Feeling on edge

[Gromit]

I just don't know where to go with my feelings at the moment. Now I feel it is due to hyper vigilance I have come here.

These Lockdowns do not help me. I often find my OH's behaviour triggering and now he is working from home and I can hear him getting frustrated which is one trigger. The constant feeling I have is that he will find fault with me, something I have done, not done. That constant feeling of impending doom is with me all the time. The kids are home and, whilst, they are teens and DS only comes out of his room for food, there is no guaranteed time where I will have privacy at the right time to access things like online ACOA groups etc or even cry as I feel like doing.

I finally thought I might be able to come here and find someone to sympathise or give some help. Or just somewhere safe to get it out there.

G

[Blueberry]

  It's good you're reaching out here. I live alone so I don't have those sorts of issue with lockdown, but I know that many people do, people who don't have cptsd in their background. Having cptsd has got to make everything worse. Sending compassion 

[dreamriver]

Gromit I definitely relate to this. For some reason if my DH is upset I assume it's because I did something wrong! Even if it's obvious that I didn't.

Triggering for sure! I feel for you. In my home growing up, conflict was stifled, the only time there was anger or frustrated emotion it was directed at one of us kids...

I hope you feel better 

[rainydiary]

Gromit, what you write resonates with me too.  I am realizing I would love to take a trip or have time all to myself with no demands placed on me.  I am having trouble sorting out my feelings toward my husband as we were in a difficult place right before the pandemic started and now everything feels muddled up. 

I hope that you are able to find some ease and moments of peace in your days. 

[Gromit]

Thanks everyone, I am glad I reached out too. These days I find it really hard to work out what might be CPTSD or something else and, therefore, finding the right place to seek help is too difficult and I just give up.

I am finding exercise helps. I do a daily yoga practice, and join my daughter in some exercise in the evenings, unless I am lazy 🙄 .

Of course, Lockdowns end the need for being 'social' having to see people you do not want to and masks stop people telling me to 'smile' 🙄 and I still get to socialise with other dog walkers, when I see them.

I think I have had some extra triggers of late. A few interactions on Facebook that triggered me.

I feel I am justifying myself now as if I didn't have a right to struggle.

G