2 steps forward, 10 steps back

[Not Alone]

I have written very little about my relationship with my husband, wanting to be honoring and respectful to him. I want to preface this post by saying that there are good things about my husband. Right now I am just done.

My husband is partially retired and at some point will fully retire. When that happens, I will need to get a full time job in order to have health insurance for myself and our kids. Right now he is committing to working 3 months at a time. I told him that I felt like there was a house hanging over my head, held by a string.

Background
I currently only work 11 hours a week. I don't know how I will emotionally and physically handle 32-40 hours.
I am seeing my T 2x/week. When I start full time, that will need to be reduced to 1x/week.
I will need to find a job that will give me the time to have a day to see T. I can't do T then go to work.
My therapist only accepts one insurance, so if the job that I get doesn't have that insurance, I will be paying him out of pocket.

My husband sees what he wants to see and hears what he wants to hear.
> When he fully retires, we can stay on his insurance for a certain amount of time, but the cost is REALLY high. He and I looked at the numbers and agreed that we could not afford to pay that much each month for a length of time. After that discussion, when I bring up the stress of me working FT, he has said he didn't know that I needed to work FT. He's ignoring the reality of the numbers.
> Yesterday, when I asked if he was going to work the next three months (no concrete answer) and again told him how stressful getting a FT job would be for me, he pulled out a list he had made of the reasons that me working full time WOULD BE GOOD FOR ME.
> I said, "You don't have anything on that list about what is it means to work FT with cPTSD."
> I told him that even now with my minimal hours and relatively easy job, there are mornings that I can barely get out of bed, get dressed, I wonder how I am going to manage to put my "work face" on. His response was that you have to work up to it. In other words, he was only referring to the physical challenges of working more with NO inkling of the emotional difficulties.
> Then he asked if this was going to go on forever. (A discussion we have had multiple times.) Me: Yes. cPTSD a chronic condition. It is not going away. There is no finish line.
> Husband: Does that mean you and I won't ever have a life together? Me: We could have a life together now, but you don't want to walk this journey with me. You are waiting for your wife to come back. Another conversation we have had before. He blamed me for not telling him things. (I have told him things and sometimes he responds with kindness, but often his reactions usually lacked any feeling of empathy or he minimized the risk in my telling him what I did tell him. Sometimes he even had the inappropriate response of making a joke. I know that is his discomfort, but still triggering and hurtful to me.) Basically he told me that my thinking that he isn't walking with me in the journey is my fault (I don't tell him things) and is all in my head.
> He also said that it was okay to look at the past, but at some point you needed to put it behind and live life.

                                                               
 
I had my therapy session right after that interaction so I was able to vent to my T. I'm still really mad. Also really alone. I thought that he had gained at least a little bit of understanding of what I'm dealing with, but it seems like very little.

I am very happy to receive empathy, but please do not offer me advise on how to help him to understand. We have been in marriage therapy together, I've given him articles to read, he's read portions of books, I told him there was an online support group for spouses of people with cPTSD (he rejected that option). He hears what he wants to hear and he sees what he wants to see. He would deny it to his dying day, but to me, it seems that he wants his stepford wife back.

[Kizzie]

I am so sorry to hear this Notalone - sending loads of empathy and hugs (if they help) your way. I recently went through something like this and know how hard it is.

I don't think there are any particularly good answers in situations like this except  choosing a path that honours our self and our CPTSD and what we will/won't or can/can't do, regardless of what others think/believe/feel.  Sometimes it just comes down to that. 

[Blueberry]

Sending bucketloads of empathy notalone and  if they feel helpful. Or if it feels better I'm going to listen to and validate your

Since I also work limited hours per week and also have days when I can hardly get out of bed and put semi-respectable clothing on, I really get that problem of how on earth to manage 32-40 hours a week.

[saylor]

You're dealing with a lot right now, notalone. I understand how hard it is to work FT while CPTSD is raging.  As I mentioned in other threads, I ended up having to leave the workforce "prematurely" because of it, so it makes total sense to me that the prospect of having to increase your hours would be daunting, to say the least., My own symptoms got a lot worse in middle age (in my case, I think menopause was a factor). I became a mere shadow of my former self, as the saying goes—I still haven't recovered my prior level of functionality

I'm not sure whether you're in the US, but if you are, you might want to look into getting insurance through the Affordable Care Act. If your family's income is drastically reduced by your H's retirement, you may qualify for a large subsidy. I know that when I was leaving my own job, COBRA costs (which I think you may be referring to) were unbelievably high, but what I could qualify for via the ACA was surprisingly cheap

[Snowdrop]

This sounds hard, Notalone. I feel empathy for you, and on your behalf. I'd also find it really difficult to manage a full-time job.

[Kizzie]

Thinking of you this morning 

[Bach]

This sounds so painful and scary, notalone. I hope that your husband can come to understand why this is so difficult for you, and that a situation that will be manageable for you can be  worked out.

Sending love and good thoughts

[Not Alone]

Kizzie, Blueberry, Saylor, Snowdrop, Bach,
Your replies and empathy mean  a great deal to me. I wanted to reply individually, but just don't have it in me to do that right now. Saylor, I did ask an insurance person about affordable care, but in our situation, it is not very affordable.

My husband left on a trip this morning. He left me a card. I do appreciate the effort. His words; however, did not address the issues. I need to process it with T. I'm so mad right now I'm not sure if my interpretation is skewed. He called a couple of times on his drive. I'm so angry; I ignored his calls. The elephant is stepping on my toe and I have no desire to ignore it and talk nice.

[Kizzie]

I came to a point recently where I  just didn't have it in me to let the elephant step on my toe any more, I had to address it with myself (I have to take care of myself) and then my H (you need to be more caring of me). 

I talked to him very openly and honestly about what I could/would and could/would not do.  It really didn't feel like a choice any more, it felt like I had to listen to myself, to the anger, the sadness and grief, and what that all meant going forward. I drew a line in the sand.   

I don't know if this is helpful for you or not, but thought I'd share my recent experience in case you can draw anything from it.   

[Blueberry]

Standing with you in your notalone

[Not Alone]

Blueberry, thank you for standing with me in my anger. That means a lot to me.

Kizzie, thank you for sharing your experience.

Last fall, my therapist told me that my husband had avoidant relationship style. I looked it up online and it completely fits. Basically he has, unknowingly, surrounded himself with walls. My attempts for decades to be emotionally close to him, has only resulted in him putting up another wall. I've given up hope of emotional closeness. I've been trying to figure out how to live together with this reality. I've stopped pursuing him, because it would only result in another wall.

In the past, sometimes when I've told him things, he's "yes, yes." Eventually however, the truth of how he is really feeling leaks out. He also deflects (blames) things on me. When I've talked to him about the elephant, sometimes he seems to understand, but in moments of anger or confrontation, the truth about what he is thinking and feeling comes out. For example, many months ago when we talked about him retiring and needing insurance, he said he'd get a part time job if needed. Now he has a list of why it is good for me to work full time. Sometimes when talking about the elephant, he simply ignores me. He's even walked out of the room while I'm in mid-sentence.

I am trying to figure out how to navigate this relationship. Talking openly and honestly would be my preference, but that really doesn't work in this situation. So how do I take care of myself?

There have been times when my H has expressed genuine care and compassion. He does not know or see that he is avoidant. He wants his vision of what our relationship should look like and does not accept the reality of my brokenness. (Very hurtful.)

Giving him his space, doesn't help when he makes decisions that affect me and our family. I also feel like I can't trust what he says. I do not believe at all that he is intentionally not telling the truth. For example, a couple of months ago we looked at our financial situation. He agreed with me that we couldn't live on the amount of money we would be getting when paying a huge sum for health insurance. He also said that maybe he would work until December. I knew that he was just saying that; I didn't rely on that at all. But since then he's said he didn't think I needed to work (this before the list of why I should work FT), he thought we would be okay. He's ignoring the numbers to have things (retirement) the way he wants them.

[Kizzie]

I can see why you may not get through Notalone and I'm so sorry you have that to deal with and that it is frustrating, hurtful and triggering. 

I did come face to face with the question of what I would do if I couldn't get through to my H and it put me in the position of having to think about, clarify and decide what I wanted and needed.  Did I stay in the relationship for example? 

I knew if I stayed I would have to be as honest as I could with myself and with him about what that would mean. I love my H and decided I wanted to stay because we have so much invested in this life and each other, but that I could no longer let him treat me as he had been so it would be platonic, more of a friendship. That would relieve all the frustration and anger of trying to negotiate a marital/intimate relationship and move it to something different.

Fortunately it didn't come to that, we managed to connect but I did tell him about how I felt and how things would need to change in our relationship so it's out there now and clear in my mind and heart and his. It was a relief because I had been feeling trapped and triggered but it was incredibly difficult to face all that. 

Now that you have named the elephant in the room (your H is avoidant) it may open a similar door for you re deciding how best to navigate your relationship this means you can have with him.  Whatever happens we're here to support you 

Again, I don't know if this helps but thought I'd share it in case you can draw something useful from it.   

[Not Alone]

Kizzie, thank you for hearing my frustration, hurt and knowing how triggering all this is. I appreciate you sharing your experience. For now, the answer to the question of "Do I stay?" is yes. As you stated, how do I best navigate this relationship?

Up until now, I've shared little about my marriage on OOTS. I was wanting to honor and respect the relationship. (My T said it's honoring to tell the truth.) I need the support of OOTS, so I will share as much as I need to.

My husband is away on vacation. When we travel together in the car, he talks very little. That is very hurtful to me. (We talked about this when we did do marriage therapy. H. said I should accept him as he is.) I guess I am accepting him as he is and I am not willing to go on long trips with him (as much as possible), because it is too hurtful to me. (boundary)

Today when I was watching the news, I kept hearing my husband's cynical comments in my head. From now on, if we are watching the news or something else and he is being cynical, I will tell him that I don't want to listen to his cynicism and I'll leave the room.

It will be a step by step learning process, trying to know how to be in this relationship and take care of myself. When he is home, we are hardly ever together. He's downstairs, I'm upstairs.

My husband left on a trip this morning. He left me a card. I do appreciate the effort. His words; however, did not address the issues. I need to process it with T. I'm so mad right now I'm not sure if my interpretation is skewed.

I showed my T the card today. The expression on his face told me that I wasn't crazy. He confirmed the message that I read in H's words that I need to get fixed then we can lead a nice life together.

This (marriage) is such a heavy weight.

[Blueberry]

Hey notalone,

You're making steps forward again   Opening up on OOTS about your marriage and having an honest look at your H and then planning boundaries in your head for when H is back. Step by step.   

[Kizzie]

I'm so glad you have chosen to talk about your relationship here. Personally I find it a relief to be more honest and open about my H here, and with myself and him. I hope the same holds true for you.