2 steps forward, 10 steps back

[Not Alone]

Blueberry and Kizzie,

Thank you so much for your continued support.  The reminder of "step by step" is helpful. I find myself racing inwardly between husband and job issues. It is relieving to be able to talk about my marriage struggles here.

[rainydiary]

I appreciate you opening and offering this here.  My husband is also avoidant and it is helping me to have you and others comment here.   I wish I had "answers" for us - for now it is helpful to me to know I am not alone in my pain. 

[Kizzie]

 

[Not Alone]

Kizzie, hugging you back. 

RainyDiary, Being married to someone avoidant is really hard. For me the first step was having it named and defined. Unlike your situation, my husband isn't entrenched with his family, there is avoidance there too. I haven't found much information on living with an avoidant spouse. Most sites assume that both of you are working on the marriage. These two sites have been helpful. I've printed this information for myself. I read it often because living with someone avoidant is really crazy making.

https://www.christian-marriage-counselling.com/avoidant-personality-and-marriage.html

I wasn't able to link to the other article. "The Elusive Person: When You Love Someone with a Dismissive-Avoidant Attachment Style," by Sharie Stines.

[Kizzie]

Notalone, I hope you don't mind but I googled avoidant dismissive relationships and found this - made sense to me: 

How to cope

If you have fearful avoidant attachment, or if you're in a relationship with a person who has this attachment style, these tips will help you learn to cope as you begin to better understand and reshape your relationship.

Encourage openness — but don't push it

People with fearful avoidant attachment deeply desire intimacy. They're also immensely terrified by it. You can encourage them to talk about what they're feeling or what fears they sense, but don't be aggressive. This could push them to shut down.

Be reassuring

If your partner or loved one has this attachment style, they ultimately fear you'll leave them or that they'll want to leave. Be comforting and supportive. Seeing you're sticking with them through this time of understanding and change can go a long way to building confidence.

Value yourself

People with insecure attachments often have low self-esteem. This can be troubling in many relationships. Give yourself space to realize some relationships are worth your effort and some aren't.

Little by little, you can find healthier ways to communicate. An intimate, long-term relationship is possible.

Define boundaries

By instinct, people with this type of attachment style often set boundaries, mostly invisible ones. They don't always know where they are or why they happen, but these boundaries help them feel safe in emotional situations.

It can be helpful to others in your life for you to try to vocalize those boundaries. Tell them what makes you feel fear and what triggers your anxiety. This can help you avoid them together.

Understand your instincts

You and your family member, friend, or partner are quite different. You react in different ways to one another. It takes a great deal of self-awareness to recognize your tendencies and actively work to correct them.

If you tend to shut down when emotional conversations begin, a partner can actively push you to be open. If your partner becomes emotionally charged, you can employ ways to promote calmness.

You can hold one another accountable, and you can become better communicators. A therapist may be able to help you begin this process.

I suspect from what you've posted you having CPTSD makes it easier for your H to dismiss your concerns about how he behaves both with you and in his own mind. The thing  is you're a person with CPTSD in active recovery which means you are improving aspects like self-worth, boundaries, etc., and that may be making him more fearful.

[Not Alone]

Kizzie, thank you so much for taking the time to find this information and sharing it. Also, thanks for what you wrote. I will come back at look at it more when I have more brain cells working.


I worked today, then had an online job interview that was over 2 hours long. I'm exhausted. I feel overwhelmed by all the information that she gave me. Is this a job that I could learn and do successfully? The interviewer is going to arrange for me to talk to someone who is doing this job. If I decide to proceed, I will have another interview with someone else. Overwhelming. Will try to take one step at a time but this is all so much. I know people who work(ed) for this company and they all enjoy working there and say it is a supportive environment.

[rainydiary]

I suspect from what you've posted you having CPTSD makes it easier for your H to dismiss your concerns about how he behaves both with you and in his own mind. The thing  is you're a person with CPTSD in active recovery which means you are improving aspects like self-worth, boundaries, etc., and that may be making him more fearful.

Kizzie, I appreciate the information you shared and especially find resonance with this idea. 

I worked today, then had an online job interview that was over 2 hours long. I'm exhausted. I feel overwhelmed by all the information that she gave me. Is this a job that I could learn and do successfully? The interviewer is going to arrange for me to talk to someone who is doing this job. If I decide to proceed, I will have another interview with someone else. Overwhelming. Will try to take one step at a time but this is all so much. I know people who work(ed) for this company and they all enjoy working there and say it is a supportive environment.

Notalone, best wishes. 

[Not Alone]

Thank you, RainyDiary.

Husband is coming home from vacation tomorrow. Sadly, I'm not looking forward to that. More weight, more stress.

[Hope67]

Hi Notalone,
I wanted to send you a supportive hug   
Hope 

[Blueberry]

  to you notalone.

[Snowdrop]

 

[Not Alone]

Hope, Blueberry, Snowdrop,
I will be carrying your hugs and support with me today. 

[Bach]

Thinking of you, notalone 

[Kizzie]

  

[rainydiary]

This thread in particular has been on my mind and I wanted to share that you are not the only one navigating at this moment.  I am here too.