2 steps forward, 10 steps back

[Not Alone]

Bach, Kizzie, RainyDiary, Blueberry, Snowdrop, Hope; I am trying to keep from drowning and your support and care means a great deal.

Husband is home. My daughter and I were in the room with him. After telling about his vacation, he asked, "What's been happening here?" I told him that I interviewed for a job. He asked what the job was and I described it briefly. That's it. No questions. No comments. I really resent him for putting me in this position.

The stress that I feel is through the roof right now. I am trying to take one step at a time, but the enormity of getting a job, working 40+ hours a week, and learning a job that according to the interviewer will take 6-12 months to feel like I know what I'm doing is TOO MUCH. My therapy will be reduced to 1x/week (now I see him 2x/week). The last two weeks I have only been able to talk about job and marriage. I can't imagine dealing with trauma until I feel somewhat secure in new position. And there is so much more that adds stress and fear to getting a job. It will affect so many areas of my life. I am so angry at my husband for refusing to accept my struggles with cPTSD and DID and to put all this on me.

Yesterday, my T asked me what I wanted to say to my husband. I want to say some words that I normally do not use. More than that, I want to say, "Don't tell me you care about me when you refuse to accept what I experience and what it is like for me to live with my trauma and the damage that was done to me. Don't tell me, 'I'm here.' Not divorcing me and being a body in the house is not being here. You refuse to walk this journey with me. And DO NOT say that it's because I don't tell you things." A lot more I could say. Some of it has been said to husband. He only ignores it or deflects it onto me.

Regarding the job, I am waiting to receive a call from someone who is in the same position. I want to hear how the job is for her. Also, will tell her that when interviewer described job, it seemed really overwhelming. I'll ask her what the training and learning the job was like for her. I did tell interviewer that I would let her know today if I want to proceed. If so, I will have one more interview with someone.

Back to marriage------I know I'm jumping all over, but that is where my mind is, so decided to write without editing. My husband and I started with current therapist in marriage therapy. Husband stopped with covid, not wanting to do online sessions. A few weeks ago H mentioned going back. (He has not contacted therapist.) Yesterday, T told me that he thought marriage therapy would be a waste of time. (He did say that he has worked with clients who were avoidant and learned to be aware and present.) From my perspective, when we do marriage therapy, H wants T to tell him what he can do so that I can be fixed. For awhile he'll make attempts at external change, eg. asking me how I am, but then when he and I express our conflict, the truth comes out. What he really wants is for me to be fixed and to have his Stepford wife back. Many times I have told him that cPTSD is a chronic condition. I will always have it. There is no finish line. He doesn't want that to be true so he just doesn't accept or believe or maybe even hear that.

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Wow. As I was writing this, H came into the room and gave me a kiss. He said, "smile." I told him that I didn't feel like smiling, I had an enormous amount of stress on me. Won't write details of conversation, but he said if it would take stress off me, he would commit to working until the end of this year (dependent upon his boss' okay). Not sure why he was able to hear this time and to act in a helpful way. My body can totally feel the difference---before I couldn't eat breakfast, chest tight, etc. Regarding the job, the interviewer did mention that she wanted someone for weekends. I will find out about that because I do think it would be good to be established in this company. Church is important to me though, so not sure that will work.

I will keep you updated. Thank you so much for listening and supporting. It means so much.

[Snowdrop]

I don't feel I have words, Notalone, but I hear you, and I'm sending you support and care.

[Kizzie]

   and    Notalone

[Blueberry]

  to you notalone

I have no words. My mind is jumping all over the place atm. I come onto the computer to do some work and then I read on OOTS instead. Can hardly string two words together for myself far less anybody else. So just plus  to ward off the bad stuff.

[Not Alone]

Snowdrop, Kizzie, Blueberry,  Knowing you're there and care makes a difference. 

I'm going to decline the part-time job, not because of the job, but to not have the stress of learning a new job. I'll keep the job I have now. These last two weeks have been *. It will take time for my feelings to calm down and to feel secure that I'm okay work-wise for the rest of the year.

[Blueberry]

For want of a better word, happy to be there for you as you are for me and plenty others on here

I was/am really impressed at your ability to apply for a new job, get it, consider taking it and all that entails e.g. way less therapy and way, way less time for healing work in between T appointments! I would not have managed, I know that. I would have stood beside you in your new job, but equally I'm standing with you in your decision to not take on that job and to just keep to your present job.

for telling H you didn't feel like smiling. You know, it felt like 10 steps back for you, maybe it even was. But now you're really going forwards again! Yay for you!

[Not Alone]

Thank you, Blueberry. Your support and encouragement has been a life-line.

My husband has told me to smile before. That is his avoidance. He can't deal with emotions so he wants me to put on a pretty face. No way!

[Kizzie]

    and 

[Not Alone]

Very grateful for your support, Kizzie.

[rainydiary]

Notalone, I just read the updates you shared here.  I appreciate you sharing because it helps me to have examples of what I could say and do.

[Not Alone]

My H did something that upset me. It wasn't a major thing, but in the pattern of not sharing important information. A couple of days ago I told him that I was angry that he didn't tell me. He said, "I hope you're not angry about that. I hope you're not angry about that." I don't think that I replied, after all, he shut the door on the conversation. Tonight, he made a joke in reference to that conversation. Maybe, if a conflict has been talked about and repaired, maybe it can be appropriate for the couple to joke about it. In this case, there was no listening, no healing, no repair. So to joke about it--not okay.

I can't live alone with these destructive patterns anymore, so I will share here as needed. It's crazy-making.

[rainydiary]

Notalone, Recently I heard someone say that they want to share their inside self.  I loved that expression and idea because many of us (all of us?) hide aspects of ourselves for a variety of reasons.  I appreciate you sharing this. 

[Not Alone]

Rainy Diary, I have a deep need to be heard and to be known (the inside self). I'm grateful for those in my life, including people on OOTS, who are willing and able to do that.

[Kizzie]

I understand how each act of not being heard or being dismissed "adds to the pot" so to speak. It became really hard for me to ignore or let those incidences slide; my inside self would not let that happen any more. 

Talking about H and our relationship at all and then here was hard at first. I felt quite guilty and afraid that I was admitting yet another area in my life that was not going well, but mostly now I feel relief.

Being genuinely heard and received with care is something we all need and deserve so here to listen and support you     

[Not Alone]

Thanks, Kizzie. I have some guilt about talking about H because I feel like I'm betraying him. The pain and confusion is too much for me though, so I'm grateful to be heard here.