Insight into My CPTSD and Addiction to Food

[Kizzie]

I posted this in the Addiction/Self-medicating subforum, but think it's useful here also because it resonated for me about why I smoked and drank and then when I gave those up, turned to food.

"Just reading Gabor Mate's book "In the realm of Hungry Ghosts" and loved something he said to one of his patients:

What you said about hating yourself and feeling sorry for yourself.  What if you were to replace your harsh judgements with some genuine curiosity about why you do what you do? What if you use drugs because you're afraid that you can't bear the pain without them? You have every reason to feel hurt after all you've been through.  It's not a matter of [messing] up, you just haven't found any other way to cope."

When I think about my addiction to food (I only realized this past year or so that's what it is), I feel like I can say out loud my "dirty little secret" I've kept hidden from myself for decades.

If I give up comforting myself with food I don't think I'll be able to bear the pain of my existence. 

Now that I'm not keeping this a secret from myself I can also ask other questions: "Why am I in so much pain? Why can't I comfort myself except with addictive behaviours/substances.  If I give up this last thing -- (over)eating food -- what will I replace it with?  How do I comfort myself in a healthy way?"

[rainydiary]

I appreciate you sharing this as I have been more aware of my relationship to food.  I haven't felt as at home in my body of late and some of that is connected to eating. I think it will be helpful to be curious before I jump into eating for coping. 

I am noticing that the way I eat impacts how I can perform in exercise yet how attached I am to food for comfort.  As soon as I get home from work I have noticed that I go right to eating something "comforting" instead of being curious about how I am feeling. 

This really speaks to something I've seen showing up in me and wasn't sure how to think about. 

[Not Alone]

When I think about my addiction to food (I only realized this past year or so that's what it is), I feel like I can say out loud my "dirty little secret" I've kept hidden from myself for decades.

If I give up comforting myself with food I don't think I'll be able to bear the pain of my existence. 

Now that I'm not keeping this a secret from myself I can also ask other questions: "Why am I in so much pain? Why can't I comfort myself except with addictive behaviours/substances.  If I give up this last thing -- (over)eating food -- what will I replace it with?  How do I comfort myself in a healthy way?"

Kizzie, I could have written this. Good questions to ask yourself. Somehow the other comforts do not seem like enough. When I confessed to my therapist that I had binge eating disorder (my diagnosis) he said, "sugar was your mother."

[Kizzie]

I sincerely believe current weight management programs don't understand the relationship of trauma to disordered eating.  I was signed up for yet another program this Jan and just couldn't bring myself to deal with lessons on nutrition, calories, exercise,    I know all of that, what I need to talk about is WHY I overeat, deal with the feelings that drive the behaviour, and figure out ways to comfort myself in a healthy, regulated way.   

I was reading some more of Mate's book and this quote by Dr. Bruce Perry (well known for his ACEs work) really helps me to understand why eating has such a hold on me and how it got this way:

A child who is stressed [for us that would be traumatized] early in life will be more overactive and reactive.  He is triggered more easily, is more anxious and distressed. Now compare a person whose baseline is normal [not traumatized] with another whose baseline state of arousal is at a higher level [traumatized]. Give them both alcohol [or anything that soothes like food, gambling, cigarettes ...]:  both may experience the same intoxicating effect, but the one who has this higher psychological arousal will have the added effect of feeling pleasure from the relief of that stress. It's similar to when with a parched throat your drink some cool water: the pleasure effect is much heightened by the relief of thirst.

The thought of losing that feeling of comfort and relief IS like losing a parent ("sugar was your mother" - spot on!). 

[Blueberry]

I sincerely believe current weight management programs don't understand the relationship of trauma to disordered eating.  I was signed up for yet another program this Jan and just couldn't bring myself to deal with lessons on nutrition, calories, exercise,    I know all of that, what I need to talk about is WHY I overeat, deal with the feelings that drive the behaviour, and figure out ways to comfort myself in a healthy, regulated way.   

except I wasn't signed up for any kind of program because I know instinctively that it wouldn't help me and it would add to my exhaustion and so be counterproductive.

What I also need to deal with is why I don't exercise, other than it exhausts me way more than it should. The exhaustion would also be a topic. In my case there will be something traumatic behind it. 

Help is nigh! Yesterday after watching Greg Marsh on EFT and vision problems I checked out some more free EFT sessions on the Internet. One was about EFT and weight loss/obesity/food addiction. Example chocolate. The tapping sentence was something like "Even though I am thoroughly addicted to chocolate and want to wallow in it [just kidding on the wallowing], I deeply love and accept myself". I started reacting with yawns simply hearing that and now at writing it out. See written instructions here: https://eftinternational.org/my-favorite-eft-group-demo/

The thought of losing that feeling of comfort and relief IS like losing a parent ("sugar was your mother" - spot on!).

This sentence is very moving for me. Helps me accept myself and food addiction on a deeper level.

[Not Alone]

The message in church today was about fasting (for spiritual reasons). While the pastor was talking, I was thinking about this conversation. It is likely that for me, in my situation, fasting is not something for me to do right now.

. . . both may experience the same intoxicating effect, but the one who has this higher psychological arousal will have the added effect of feeling pleasure from the relief of that stress. It's similar to when with a parched throat your drink some cool water: the pleasure effect is much heightened by the relief of thirst.[/i]

The thought of losing that feeling of comfort and relief IS like losing a parent ("sugar was your mother" - spot on!). 

This makes a lot of sense. I don't know what the answer is to changing my behavior, but this understanding helps to be more kind to myself and my sugar addiction. It's not just a lack of self-control; sugar (I think) eases at least a little of the pain that I carry.

What I also need to deal with is why I don't exercise, other than it exhausts me way more than it should. The exhaustion would also be a topic. In my case there will be something traumatic behind it. 

Blueberry, I hate to exercise. I've had short seasons where I've exercised, but mostly I avoid it. For me, I don't like that I have a body, don't want to be attuned to my body. My body caused me to experience a lot of pain. (I know that T would that PEOPLE caused my pain.) Also, I experienced CSA from a physical education teacher.

Thank you, friends, for sharing. This is a deep, complex issue. It helps to not feel completely alone in it.

[Kizzie]

I was thumbing through Pete Walker's "CPTSD: From Surviving to Thriving" and saw this:

Children who are traumatically abandoned naturally turn to food for comfort. Food offers us our first outside source of self-soothing, and when a child is starving for love, he frequently makes food his love object. Over the years he commonly "elevates" it to the status of drug.... Food addictions begin pre-verbally. They are functional and useful at the time and help us to survive the unbearable feelings of the abandonment melange.   (pp. 47-48)

"Starving for love" about says it all. 

[Blueberry]

Yup. I read that para a day or two ago too.  Pre-verbal     Apparently I used to prolong the breastfeeding sessions as a tiny, tiny baby. Or I'd stop drinking till M gave me eye-contact again. I was supposedly also a very contented and easy baby which gave M more time for my older sib (she said that!), but I obviously needed eye-contact while feeding and made sure I got it too   It's sad I had to force M to give me attention when I was just a few weeks old though.

notalone and Kizzie, it helps me to not feel alone with this deep-seated, complex issue. Atm just the thought of doing EFT on anything to do with this food issue is too much. Even something like "Even though I don't want to tap anything to do with my food addictions, I still accept myself" feels too much. Just too early? Pete Walker writes in "S to T" something like you don't want to look at your eating disorder in early trauma T unless it's life-threatening. Mine isn't life-threatening, though I have looked at it in T before, especially inpatient, but all I could manage was white-knuckled abstinence.

[CactusFlower]

That resonates with me a lot. (I get my copy of his book today, I look forward to reading this.)  My mom (who's been gone about 7 years now) always told me I played with my food. Like, squished the peas one at a time with my fingertip, decorated with food, LOL. But the thing it made me think about was she offered food as comfort as well. If HE was upset or whatever, she would fix foods she and I liked. Even today, if I feel like crud emotionally or physically, I want a hot cuppa tea and some buttered toast. Food was... "here, at least this is good." I had other issues around the Male Parental Unit and food, too. I had to consciously change those when I grew up. But that pre-verbal makes so much sense. Humans bond over sharing food.

Sage

[Kizzie]

BB I saw that Pete Walker said about how difficult eating issues can be for those of us with Complex PTSD - hard to read that but it confirms how much I have struggled with this but was able to stop drinking and smoking. This addiction is started so young and is so comforting I don't quite know what could replace it but at least I can say that out loud now.  Before I couldn't even think it without panicking on some level. 

I quit the weight management program when I heard the chipper voice of the dietician on the phone and just knew she would never understand what I was really struggling with (not calorie counting or any of that, it was the loss of comfort and not knowing how to replace that). Not the right fit at all. 

I think you're right about bonding over food CT.  In my case my NPD M used to cook and bake as part of her good mother image so I grew up with lots of comforting calories but little in the way of  human comfort.

Food is tricky because it's central to life, we can't do without it whereas other addictions we can stop using/being around them. 

[Kizzie]

So found this online and it perfectly describes what I deal with in terms of overeating:

Night Eating Syndrome

Night eating syndrome is a condition in which people eat large amounts of food after the evening meal, often waking up during the night to eat. People with this condition may delay their first meal of the day for many hours.

Experts still do not know very much about night eating syndrome, but they continue to study the condition.

What causes night eating syndrome?

Doctors are not sure what causes night eating syndrome. But some studies show that it may be related to problems with the sleep-wake cycle and certain hormones.
What are the symptoms of night eating syndrome?

People with night eating syndrome do remember eating during the night. They usually do not feel hungry in the early part of the day. They may delay their first meal of the day for many hours. Then later, after the evening meal, they may eat more than a quarter of the food they eat each day.

This pattern of eating cannot be explained by changes in the person's sleep schedule or local social routines (for example, a custom of eating late at night). People with this problem feel upset about their night eating.

People with night eating syndrome also have sleep problems, including difficulty falling asleep and staying asleep. People with this problem are more likely to be obese. And depression is common in people who have night eating syndrome.

Night eating syndrome is different from binge eating disorder. People with binge eating disorder usually do not have episodes of binge eating during the night (10 p.m. to 6 a.m.). But if they do, they eat large amounts of food in a single sitting. People with night eating syndrome tend to eat smaller amounts of food many times during the night.

How is night eating syndrome diagnosed?

To find out if you have night eating syndrome, your doctor will ask questions about your medical history and eating patterns. Night eating syndrome often happens along with sleep problems, so your doctor may want to do tests of your sleep (polysomnography).

How is night eating syndrome treated?

There is no evidence-based treatment for night eating syndrome. But doctors have seen some success with cognitive-behavioural therapy and with antidepressants.

Link: https://www.healthlinkbc.ca/health-topics/aa107116

Don't much like the last bit but I think it has more to do with more extreme disordered eating taking research/clinical attention away from 'milder' types like this.  And of course, there doesn't seem to be much professional or public awareness that disordered eating is linked to trauma.  Sigh.

[Blueberry]

I'm sorry Kizzie, that sounds really difficult. I didn't even know night eating was a separate syndrome. So thanks for speaking up. It's good to get the information out there. I've started on the 'night eating' path in recent years and I often don't get round to eating in the morning for hours. I'm trying to break that habit atm.

And of course, there doesn't seem to be much professional or public awareness that disordered eating is linked to trauma. 

Public awareness, no. Isn't there professional awareness??   I guess maybe not.

[Bach]

I quit the weight management program when I heard the chipper voice of the dietician on the phone and just knew she would never understand what I was really struggling with (not calorie counting or any of that, it was the loss of comfort and not knowing how to replace that).

This is exactly how I feel every time a health care practitioner tries to tell me anything about how to lose weight or curb my bouts of problematic eating.  The bit about the loss of comfort strongly hits home with me.  My eating issues are under much better control than they used to be, but there still is that, and it still very frequently causes problems.  I wonder if it is actually possible to replace that comfort, or even some of it, because if not then I suppose I will always have this awkward and conflicted relationship with my body and with the fuelling of it. 

There really should be more attention paid to the connection between disordered eating and trauma.  Now that I am looking at it that way, it seems so obvious.  I've known for a long time that my eating issues are closely linked to the parent who abused me, especially because she was severely eating disordered herself and because the giving or restricting of food was one of the instruments of that abuse, but now thinking about it, I realise that nearly everyone I know who has trauma whether from similar sources to mine or not has some degree of disordered eating.

[Not Alone]

I've known for a long time that my eating issues are closely linked to the parent who abused me, especially because she was severely eating disordered herself

When I confessed to my T that I had binge eating disorder (my diagnosis), I told him that I rarely remember seeing my mom eat. Also that after she died, my sister found a large stash of diet pills amongst her medications. My T said, "Your Mom had an eating disorder." That was news to me.

[Jazzy]

Kizzie, and everyone, thank you for sharing about this.

I didn't know "night eating" was a disorder in itself, this was just how my life was for a long time. In my (and others I know) experience, trauma and eating disorders are certainly closely linked. It is very frustrating that it is not a well known relationship. Hopefully it will get better in time, and we will see better results once it becomes more commonly known. Thank you again for posting, as it helps get the word out there, and raises awareness.