Insight into My CPTSD and Addiction to Food

[zanzoken]

Thank you all for sharing your insights.  I have always felt lucky that I haven't had problems with drugs and alcohol (and it's not from never trying them) but I know my relationship with food / eating is highly pathological and deeply intertwined with my trauma.

I can relate very much to eating as a means of finding relief in the face of pain and loneliness.  One thing I didn't see mentioned, but I have also found to be true for me, is that being overweight is closely linked to my sense of threat / security.  When I'm fat, people don't really notice me as much and so I feel like it allows me to hide, which is comforting to the part of me that is always afraid and sees everyone around me as a threat.

I know this isn't healthy though, because it contributes significantly to my isolation and loneliness.  And I hate the way my body looks which wreaks havoc on my self concept.  So it's something I will need to address as part of my work on allowing myself to feel safe and visible to others.

[Jazzy]

That last part is something I never admitted out loud.  Hopefully that signals a bit of progress 

Absolutely, Kizzie! Great job on this accomplishment! 

<3 Jazzy

[Jazzy]

Thank you for sharing Zanzoken. This helps me understand a new perspective which I haven't considered before.

I wish you all the best in the work ahead of you on your healing journey.

<3 Jazzy

[Kizzie]

When I'm fat, people don't really notice me as much and so I feel like it allows me to hide, which is comforting to the part of me that is always afraid and sees everyone around me as a threat.

I have read this elsewhere Zanzoken.  My T mentioned to me that the sexual abuse survivors she has worked with often have weight issues for a similar related reason - they believe it will keep perpetrators at bay.

It's interesting that I feel the opposite, like being fat makes me stand out as someone who isn't in control. It makes me feel much more vulnerable than when I wasn't overweight, like I can't hide what's really going on inside me.

It's revealing isn't it how we each view our weight?  It's one reason I'd really like to have a group for those of us who overeat due to relational trauma - we (and MH professionals/doctors) could all learn a lot from one another.

[zanzoken]

Thank you Jazzy and Kizzie for your support and sharing your feelings.  The relationship between food and RT is certainly something that could use more research and understanding, along with more institutional support in general for those of us with eating issues.  We get so little compared to other substances, even when our eating closely resembles the same addictive pathology and comes with many of the same destructive consequences.

[Jazzy]

Thank you Jazzy and Kizzie for your support and sharing your feelings.  The relationship between food and RT is certainly something that could use more research and understanding, along with more institutional support in general for those of us with eating issues.  We get so little compared to other substances, even when our eating closely resembles the same addictive pathology and comes with many of the same destructive consequences.

100%!

[Kizzie]

So admitting my issues with eating out loud was a big step.  My shame has reduced somewhat and best of all I am now seeing a bariatric physician.

We talked a lot about the basics in my first appointment, but then I decided I was going to take a risk and tell her about my past, how food became a source of comfort and something to numb myself with.  I told her it was the one thing I could not get control over except for limited amounts of time.  I would white knuckle losing weight for only so long and then poof, I could not stand it any longer. It never felt like a willpower issue so much as something else, and gave her examples of what I'd achieved in my life that had taken a lot of determination and perseverance, quitting smoking and drinking among them.

I was waiting for the talk about having to change my thinking about eating but instead she talked to me about the body and brain in overeating and that there were medications available to help. And there it was, delight about being received instead of dismissed, and hope that maybe it wasn't just me struggling psychologically because of trauma, but that something in my brain and body was literally driving me to overeat.

She prescribed Ozempic which has a great track record for regulating blood sugar and insulin relating to diabetes (I just ticked over in my blood work), but also in weight loss. My understanding is that in addition to helping with insulin and blood sugar, it works in the brain to dial down the desire to eat and provide a feeling of satiety with much less food. Win - win.

I just started it so I don't have all that much to say yet.  There are side effects so you have to start with small doses (injection once per week)  and let your body get used to it.

In addition to giving me hope it has also reiterated to me that doctors in general MUST learn more about the physical effects of trauma. They need to routinely take a trauma history so they are aware of all the factors that contribute to comorbidities and help patients avert disease and illness with more tools, especially those that mitigate trauma. 

[Not Alone]

That was a risk and brave of you to give the doctor personal background. I'm so glad that she heard and had at least some understanding and is taking steps to help.

[Armee]

Wow Kizzie! That's great! I agree with Not Alone it took a lot of courage to talk to your dr and open yourself up to lectures based on misunderstanding by the doctor. I'm so pleased they came through and had helpful things to try. Good for you for caring about yourself to take that risk.

[dollyvee]

Hi Kizzie,

That's great! I'm glad you found a physician who listened and was able to help. I just read through your thread now but body image, weight, health, eating sugar have all been issues for me. Sugar is the comfort that I never had and it's interesting to know that it affects hyperaroused children more.

I think you commented on my thread about gut disorder. I always felt like there was a physical component to what was happening emotionally with me, even though the doctors said it was all in my head. You're right, there needs to be more awareness between mind and body because they do affect each other in ways that science is only starting to put together. I'll add to the thread there what's come up as well but it's also interesting that it's specifically night eating. Night is a very vulnerable time and I've had EFs in dreams and woken up affected by things that have happened. Maybe it's a way to control that from happening?

dolly

[Kizzie]

Tks Armee and Not Alone, hopefully the medication will help me regulate my insulin and blood sugars AND give me a fighting chance with the physical aspects of overeating. It's certainly being touted as a game changer for both diabetes and weight loss. Fingers crossed.  I'll update in a month or so.

Hey Dolly - One of the things I've read about Ozempic is it helps with cravings which for me is sugar too.  I am also hoping it will help with night eating.  I can't remember if I mentioned it to you in your thread but Night Eating Syndrome (NES) is actually a thing - seems a lot of us eat (versus just snack) at night.  For me it started as comforting myself but over time I think evolved into a change in my brain/gut/nervous system. Fingers crossed Ozempic will help with that too and I don't have to white knuckle it any more. I'll check out your thread and I'll update here - you never know but we may find our way through this.

[dollyvee]

Thanks for sharing Kizzie, that's really interesting. I hope you do find relief with it, no one wants or should have to white knuckle anything. Hopefully too it spreads awareness about weight, body image, and will power too.

[Papa Coco]

Hi Kizzie,

I just now read into this thread. I like that it brings up the brain/body connection, which is a new way of thinking for a lot of life's struggles. Up until only recently, I've always been taught that everything we do around self-harm has been behavioral issues that we have decisive control over. Like, "I was molested, so I thought about it, and logically strategized through a conscious decision to force myself to overeat so that I would become less attractive." Duh! That is NOT HOW IT WORKS! I sure as heck don't remember ever deciding to intentionally hurt myself as a conscious strategy for self-protection. But it's an easy answer, eh? Just blame the victim of a disorder and tell me to "just stop being traumatized." It makes way more sense to recognize that this self-destructive craving is some sort of trauma response that happened deep in my brain without me consciously deciding to suffer with it.

I eat very well, keep calories down, I avoid sugars and additives perfectly, but only during the first half of every day. When evening hits I start raiding the freezer and the cereal boxes. I'm not hungry but I yearn to eat unhealthy snacks. If there are cookies in the house I'm doomed. Chocolate is my drug. Every morning I want to be thin again. Every evening I repeat the words "F* it. I don't care" as I head to the freezer for another ice cream or to the pantry for another pastry. Sugars and fats give me a moment of physical happiness the same way that first drink of alcohol used to. (I'm pretty sure that my addictive drinking was more about the sugar than the alcohol).

I can successfully diet and lose up to 60 pounds at a time. I get so thin I can wear small shirts and 32 waist jeans. I feel like a million bucks, and I sleep and digest better. But I can't keep it up. I crave the sugars day in and day out. It goes against my wiring to stay on the healthy diet. Eventually there's a birthday party or my grandsons want me to take them out for ice cream and BAM!

The minute I taste a single nibble of sugar I crave more.

I can get stoned on canned frosting.

Blaming this on a behavioral issue is a mis-diagnosis that has never helped me change my behaviors. So why do I keep blaming this on my conscious behaviors? Any wrong diagnosis can only lead to the wrong cure. This isn't about behavior. This is a brain/body connection that was created by the crushing depression I live with on an hourly basis. This is trauma. This is chronic depression that I can't seem to climb out of.

I'm grateful that you've helped me reach this epiphany and I'm excited to follow your progress on Ozempic. I have high hopes that you find relief from this brain/body connection.

I've never heard of Ozempic, so I'm going to start research on it now. The side effects look important, but the side effects of overeating sugars and fats are nothing to ignore either.

Thank you for opening this dialogue. Good luck, and fingers crossed you are on to a positive game-changer.

[Kizzie]

Wow Papa, you could have been writing about me. I have gained and lost, gained and lost so much weight over the years I was feeling hopeless because once I started eating sugars, carbs and fats again, wham.

I didn't know there were meds to help with weight loss like Ozempic until I ticked over into being a diabetic which led to different conversations. The Ozempic has indeed cut my appetite but I still feel like I need to have something at bedtime - no carbs  just some protein & salad & 2-3 squares of choc.  So some definite progress on the lowest dose which is encouraging. I stay on .25 for another 2 wks so likely will not have much new to report until I up the dose to .5 and then to 1.0 4 wks after that.  So far no symptoms other than a headache the 1st wk. We'll see how that goes as 20% do have some side effects although it seems like a % of those people overeat and/or eat things that cause symptoms (carbs and fats).  I'm really careful to eat small amounts and stay away from carbs/fats because of what I read. 

I'm having lab work on Nov 3 so will see what if anything has changed in terms of my diabetes counts, that's the important part.

[dollyvee]

Hey Kizzie,

I read this and remembered that I forgot to mention one important part on my SIBO thread - blood sugar. While I was with a PT, I was taking my blood sugar every morning and it was always high even though we were trying out all sorts of different diets which should have had an effect. I was tested for diabetes a few years ago but nothing was flagged. Apparently, SIBO has an effect in the regulation/deregulation of blood sugar and gut dysbiosis is high in diabetics (one reason diabetics are more susceptible to Covid). There's a lot of research out there for you to get into if interested.

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6535288/

https://asm.org/Press-Releases/2021/January/Poor-Gut-Health-Connected-to-Severe-COVID-19,-New

dolly