The Dart Cree Renovation Project

[Dart]

I will start off with a timeline of what I know, and what I thiink happened.

What I know:

When my sister was a baby, my mom shook her hard enough that she had injuries detectable by X-ray as an adult.
When she was a young girl (8?) my dad came home to find my mom trying to throw her through the wall.
When I was around age 2 my sister came home from school, and stopped my mother, who was screaming, from throwing me, who was shrieking, against a wall.

At age 3, my behaviour changed.  Before, I had the toddler's usual attitude toward clothing or lack thereof.  After, I had to be fully dressed, including socks.  Even in the house.  Even sleeping.

At age 3, I moved out of the crib upstairs to a second bed in my brother's room, downstairs at the other end of the house.

Age 4: I overhear mom yelling at dad about burning holes in his suit (pipe smoker). Dad goes ashen. Tight lipped.  Says nothing.  My sister says I echoed my father's body language. Even now I cringe watching total strangers yell at each other on TV.  Sister tells me that some kind of yelling match was a weekly or more occurrence.  Mom tells me later that she and Dad had a policy of never argueing in front of the kids.  This conflicts with above.


Age 5:  On a holiday I often had to share a bed with my brother.  I insisted on sleeping above the top sheet, so that, "Our parts won't get mixed up"

Age 6:  I get a birthday party.  About 6 friends come over.  This is the only party I ever had at home, for birthday or any other reason. I went other kids' parties fairly frequently. 

Age 6:  Brother requested, and got a 12 layer birthday cake. I helped mom make it. I didn't twig onto the irony.

Age 6:  I bathe alone now, refusing either parent's assistance.  Sometimes ears are sent back for redo. (May be age 7)

Age 7: Primary caregiver (sister) sent away because she's pregnant. Nothing was said to me.  Sister just vanished.  Parents want to hide scandal.

Age 7: Sis says in  hindsight, I'm dirty, clothing dirty whenever she visits.  House is dirty, cluttered and coated in nicotine. My memory is of weekly bathing.  Saturday night.  I apparently don't mind or don't notice. It still doesn't bother me to wear the same clothing for extended periods of time.

Age 8: Father has colon cancer.  Surgery successful, but becomes more remote. Operation resulted in total erectile dysfunction.  Parents show no physical affection for each other.  Later I found that dad had really liked sex, and touching created the desire, but there was no ability.

Age 12: I get a birthday cake. I think it's the last one. There would still be cake in the house, but not to celebrate my birthday.

Age 12. I get paper route.  Allowance stops. Now responsible for all clothing.  I buy first rate outdoor stuff, and the rest I get at thrift stores.  I deliberately dress in rags to embarrass mom.  Increasingly an outcast at school.  Total geek.  Love science, math. Despise sports, pop music.
Age 13:  I learn to wash my own clothes.   I dress in clean rags.

Age 14: Father has open heart surgery.  He comes home.  His mind, not really. Flee takes over as default behaviour.  I become increasingly feral.

Age 14:  Dad coming home unable to recognize me as often as not made me angry.  In one way it was a message, "You are so unimportant to me that I can't remember your name" But I knew that wasn't true, even at the * age of 14.  But I did wish that he had died in surgery.  Cleaner death. .  Then I would have one parent who would pay attention to me.

Age 15:  Fight back when mom grabs me.  Shocked look on her face.  She never hits or grabs me again.  I think.

Age 15. I get my driver's license.  Swap errands (picking up groceries, etc) in exchange for use of car. 

Age 15:  I cry for the last time I can remember in gr. 10 French class.

Age 15 Spend summer in Peru with scout post. Most parents contributed at least what their son would eat.  I had to pay for the substitute lawn cutting.

Age 16:  Get summer work at university physics department as shop hand.

Age 17: graduate from high school get 1525/1600 on SAT  800/800 on Physics Achievement test.  Not enough to get me into MIT.

Age 17-20.  I pretty much live at the U.  I leave the house before Mom is up, come home for supper, then return to my desk in the Physics storeroom, or to the library until 10 p.m.

Age 21: Father dies.  I don't grieve.
Age 46: Mother dies.  I don't grieve.

Discussions between my sister and mother at a later time was they figured I'd been molested by a neighbour. 

My parents did not tell me of this after I grew up.

My sister says she tried twice to tell me, but I wouldn't hear it.  I don't remember this.

On 15 January 2022 I had a nightmare that left me awake for hours.  Digging into it, I eventually asked my sister if anything odd had happened when I was a kid.  On 28 January her reply mentioned the probable abuse. 

My mother through my childhood had badly controlled diabetes.  When her blood sugar was high, she slept – hibernating bear.  When her blood sugar was low she was irritable – angry bear.  She also suffered from depression, and would spend long period of time drinking coffee and chain smoking at the kitchen table.  I think she like angry as better than depression.  I have no memories of her being more than annoyed.

Deductions:

Age 3: Became 13 yr old brother's meat toy. Butt * or throat * for some unknown number of months. Deduced from reported behaviour changes and opportunity. I was probably told, "don't tell, you'll get in trouble and be punished" I'm left with the whole idea of sex is shameful, disgusting, not to be talked about.  This would mess me up more in puberty.  While sister says neighbour, that neighbour had his own 3 year old.  Didn't need me.  I think it unlikely that I would have been allowed free access to the neighbourhood at that age.  Since I moved into my brother's room (separate bed) at about that time, he had opportunity.  He was 13.  He had motive.
My brother was big in my life.  The best possible big brother.  I worshipped him.  So... his fan by daylight, his toy by night.  Big source of disordered attachment.

Age 5: Mom starts using slaps and door counselling when she's mad. 1 incident witnessed, rest deduced.  My default behaviour: fawn.  Backup: flee. She would push me hard from a standing position about 2 feet from a door so that I body slammed the door, pick me up and do it again.  Kitchen door was a hollow core.  It had some give.  Front door was solid fir, and 36" wide. It barely rattled.  While my sisters stories say "wall" our house at the time had very few walls conveniently placed for child slamming.  Either furniture, or book cases or pictures on most walls.  Doors were handier.  I don't know if the description of the abuse is real.  It just sort of poured out as I was originally writing this.  Maybe this is all made up. 

Physical abuse during my pre-teen, maybe early teen is only a possibility, but it does explain the paucity of memories in the house.  (Ask me about my memory project)

Emotional neglect.  There weren't a lot of hugs in our house.  There weren't many, "Well done, we're proud of you"  No, "You're looking down. Need to talk?"  I had to ask them for the standard sex lecture kids get.  Lots of embarrassment. Learned more from watching dogs *. This increased both my loner life, and the strong drive to get good at everything.  If my folks weren't going to take care of me, then I needed to. 

Age 8: I'm losing a caregiver.  This makes me push to become more self reliant.  But at 8, I'm still a little boy.  But in the basement, I'm growing crystals, inventing board games, making  hydrogen balloons, experimenting with metal casting, electrolysing water.

Age 14:  Really, I lost both parents.  My dad because he wasn't really there any more.  My mom because what energy she had was keeping Dad. 

I think I basically became feral.  I spent as little time at home as I could get away with and when I was there I was in the basement.  Parents were ok with this because I was a "good" boy.  Phone home if I'm going to be later than I said. I didn't act out.  Didn't drink.  Drinking as a teen requires socialisation.  I didn't do social.  Part of this was that being "good" probably resulted in less slapping around.  "Be Good.  Be Quiet.  Go down to your room.  Unless Star Trek is on."

[Dart]

What do I want from a therapist?

* I am not satisfied with my life right now. This is an attempt to figure out why and chart a direction forward. I think I have issues with the following.

* Childhood Abuse/Neglect/c-PTSD

* Cyclic Depression

* Inability to express feelings, accept or give love.

* Self Image – decision making, second guessing

* Handling conflict badly.  I freeze when OTHER people argue.

* Sexual confusion and identity.

* Obesity and body dysmorphia, Eating disorder

* Life after tree farming


This shows up as

* Very low affect much of the time

* Low self esteem, unlikable, belief that people only like the front, not the real me/

* Difficulty trusting.

* Great difficulty asking for help.

* Inability to give/receive love

* Difficulty maintaining focus

* Need over 10 hours sleep

* Cutting (NSSI)

* Never look in a mirror

* Obsessing about food/weight.

* Guilt that all of this is just attention seeking.

* Feeling that I deserve all of this.

* Feeling distant from events. 

* Loss of interest in events

* No feeling of shame.



At the end of this:


* I want the damn matras (I am unlikable.  Don't be seen. I am a failure.  I'm such a gluttonous pig.  Trust no one.  I will get them and they'll be sorry. I have no will power I just want to run away....) to stop.  In Fishers world these are each one or more fractured selves who took on that set of affects as a survival mode

* I want an end to the depression.

* I want to be able to say, "I love you" to my wife with the same feeling she says it to me.

* I want to be able to grieve for my parents.

* I want to be able to greet a sunrise with joy for a new day.

* I wan an end to this conflict between both craving and running from intimacy.

* I want to be able to focus on my work.

* I want to have some ambition again.

* I want to be able to NOT keep stuff bottled in until I explode.

* I want to have a healthier relationship with food.

* I want to be able to flirt and understand flirting and to be comfortable with my sexual identity.

* I want to not get tied in anxious knots when two people 50 feet away or on a TV show argue with vehemence.

* I want to be able to say, "I need you" and "I want you" when necessary.  Not for sex, (ok, maybe for sex) but for intimacy or a pair of hands to hold the  board, or help to unload 200 bags of insulation, or maybe just ot listen while I vent.

I either need to change aspects of who I am
Or learn to accept those aspects.  Probably a mix.

* I want to at least understand who I am and where this mess came from.

* I need someone I can spill all this to.  I'm not good at this sort of opening up.

* I would prefer to do some of this by email.  Partly because I can take my time to answer, partly so I have a record of what I've said.  In practice, I think a mix of my making an email submission, then talking about it,  and going away with homework will be best.  (Multi-media therapy.)

* I need someone to call me on my BS.

[Dart]

Ignored Trauma / PTSD?

This section started on 27 January 2022.

I headlined this "ignored" as opposed to repressed.  Reading through several articles, I may be suffering from neglect, rather than outright abuse.  If there is abuse, it's *really* repressed.

A tumblr post got me thinking about repressed traumatic events.  I can't find the list now, but at the time I read it, I realised that I matched 6 out of the 8 signs.    But then I find I match some of the things on Autism Spectrum disorder, and Adult ADHD disorder.  So....

This link:  https://hypnosociety.com/signs-of-repressed-childhood-trauma-in-adults/#:~:text=If%20you%20hate%20physical%20touch%2C%20then%20it%20could,find%20danger%20in%20the%20act%20of%20being%20touched.
Revictimization

If this is the case, then the trauma was one of neglect, not something active. 

Misread risk elements – errors in situational judgement.

I do have a lot of trouble reading people.  I had a colleague who could within 3 minutes tell if a couple were sleeping together.  He also was very good at telling when students were lying.  I was uncomfortable around him.  I didn't know what I was unconsciously telling him.  He was also a dink which didn't help.
Hyper vigilant
Yes and no.  I wake up instantly when the house makes a different sound, and yes, I jump with a sudden noise. I maintained a fiction with the younger boys at SJ by juxtapositioning my age, the end of the Vietnam war, and my jumpiness.  "Do not be in reach if you startle me" 
I'm very uncomfortable staying in a city, or staying overnight at my stepson's house.  In terms of feeling secure:  Camping alone is the least problem. AirBnB where we have the house,  motel,  staying at friends/relatives.  The latter are not all equal.  I'm far less uncomfortable at my brother in law's than I am at my step son's.
Overreact
I used to, when I was a teacher.  Would throw things.  Got lots of practice apologising.  Now I bottle it up, let it ferment.  You will find a story later about this.
Impulsive
The opposite.  I hold back all the time.  I research a new car or washing machine for months.  But then the decision to buy is sudden.  In personal relations, see the over-react.  But a lot of the time I restrain my impulses as being inappropriate, too expensive,or not useful enough.
Abandonment issues
I'm staying in a relationship with my wife Laura right now.  It took me until age 44 to marry.  L. was the only person I've dated.  She loves me.  I don't really think I have loved anyone. Not in any romantic sense. I think I keep people out of my life too.
Hate being touched
Depends on who.  Depends on when.  Hate being photographed, or actually looking at photographs of me.  I think this is something else.  Sometimes when laura touches me, I want it.  Sometimes I freeze.
Regression.
Says something that I prefer the company of teenagers to adults generally.  I was told when I was 30.  "Sherwood, you act like a 13 year old."  This may mean I'm "stuck" at teenage development.

This link: https://horizonclinics.org/repressed-childhood-trauma-in-adults/
disintegrated sense of self-esteem and identity
Bingo.
Struggling with self-identity and feelings of shame and self-pity are common
One of my recurring thoughts is that all of this is self pity and attention seeking.
Additionally, the absence of one or both parents, emotional avoidance from caregivers, bullying, or witnessing domestic violence can leave imprints that last.
Skip the domestic violence.  Bullying was there at school, but not huge.  But my Dad's cancer surgery when I was 8, and his open heart surgery when I was 14 meant that they were present but not there.
You Struggle to Act Like an Adult—Consistently
I don't throw things.  Anymore. But when I'm upset I'll walk away.  Most recently (last November) I did this at my step-sons when he was critical of my behaviour, would NOT say what I should do instead.  So I got out of the car.  It was still moving. Not fast – near stop sign.  I walked away, made a point of not arriving back until supper.  Ate without a word and retreated to our room.  I went walking the next day was was gone all day.  The next day we left.  (Geeze, I get tense all over again just writing this out.)
You Have an Intense Fear of Abandonment
emotionally dependent on others and people-pleasing
I work hard at people pleasing, but I think that arises out of a fear of conflict.
Feelings of insecurity and lack of self-identity can make other people in your life feel burdened.
I know I feel insecure.  I don't think I feel a lack of self identity.  But how would I know?  Have I been a burden to L.?  Certainly the farm is a burden to her.  She wants out.
Interesting self observation:  I HATE the idea of being a burden on someone else.  I hate the idea of being dependent on someone else.  Even things like fixing things in the house, I'd rather do a bad (inelegant, but functional) job myself than ask someone else to do i
as an adult, no one can really abandon you. You're in full control of your life unlike when you were a child.
I disagree here.  While you cannot be neglected in the same way, you still can be abandoned in that people unilaterally take themselves out of your life, leaving a hole in your heart.
You Get Triggered by Certain People Or Situations
Not sure about this one.  It doesn't happen often, or I'm unaware of it, but then my life as a country boy avoids a lot of this.  Need to ask Laura.
Getting distrustful of yourself and others triggers some serious anxiety as well.
Lots of trust issues.  Am I being cheated by a workman? By an employee.  Do I trust my own judgement.  Lack of confidence in my decisions.  Dithering about making decisions. 
I have never been in love, at least as I understand it. 
Another article from Horizon.  https://horizonclinics.org/ptsd-from-a-relationship/
The article suggests that relationships can be traumatic.
Hypothesis:  Working at Saint Johns was traumatic.  It's intense: 80 hour weeks 8 months a year.  Your entire life is the school. So it's your home, your social life, your job. Getting fired hurts.
Bold ones resonate.
Doubting your own ability to make future relationship decisions.
Experiencing stress and mental confusion due to past events.
Self-doubt and lacking self-worth and confidence.
Feelings of hopelessness and uncertainty for the future.
Reinforcing Negative Thoughts and Feeling Hopeless
Intense fear and avoidance of new relationships.
Distancing yourself from friends and family.Closing Yourself Off
Becoming overly dependent on loved ones.
Acting out in anger and frustration.
Feeling depressed and shutting off any potential relationship partner.
Flashbacks.  None noticed so far.
Blowing Things WAY Out of Proportion
Falling Into Another Unhealthy Pattern.  Don't think I'm doing this, but may not see the pattern.
Using Self-Medication as a Cop Out.  I eat too much.  Drink too much when available. (Sober since New Years...) Is this journal a cop out? Self therapy?
Being Overly Self Focused.  Yup.
Developing Controlling and Abusive Tendencies.  Don't think so.  More isolation.

[dollyvee]

Hi Dart,

I realized recently at 42 that I probably have ADD and have some of the same symptoms you mention - jumpiness, shutting down emotionally around people, not wanting affection. When I started looking into it, there are some recent studies linking ADD/ADHD and cPTSD as they both affect similar centres in the brain. So, there is a likelihood that they're not mutually exclusive.

I read elsewhere that you were concerned with your timeline for healing. I don't know if you've looked into or not, but I found I made a lot of progress with IFS. It really made me connect to my emotions in a way that had eluded me after 8+ years of therapy. I didn't always understand what I saw and I'm still working it out but it might be something to look at. Also, EMDR was beneficial as was Mark Wolynn's book, It Doesn't Start With You and maybe surprisingly - diet (gut health), vitamins (good methylated B's).

Thanks for sharing what you wrote and sending you support,
dolly

[Dart]

My therapist uses parts work; a mix of Perry, Fisher, and IFS.  She says that I'd made more progress in a month than one of her other patients did in a year with my "question everything, deny nothing, keep seeking" attitude.

But I'm still 69.  I'm a very healthy 69, but expecting more than 20 years of reasonable living isn't reasonable.  So I need to get on with it.

[dollyvee]

Hi Dart,

It sounds like she's really well versed in trauma and what might come up. Congrats on your progress and approach to your healing, sounds like you are on the right track.

Sending you support and hope you find the healing you need on here,
dolly

[Hope67]

Hi Dart,
I think your therapist sounds like she is well qualified, and it sounds like you're already making really positive progress.  I am a fan of Janina Fisher's work in particular.    I hope that it continues to go well, and I second what Dollyvee said about having the support in the forum that is beneficial to you.  I hope it is.

Hope