I Would Like To Say...

[rainydiary]

I have been reflecting today and would like to write out some observations. 

My husband and I went through a very difficult time in 2019 right before the pandemic.  The entire year was challenging with him first wanting to move away from where we live and ended with his brother dying.  His brother's death pushed me into a mental health crisis where I finally acknowledged the truth of my upbringing and the pain and damage it caused. 

We were just tentatively finding our way forward when the pandemic hit.  Right now when I ask myself, "Do I love my husband?" a clear answer doesn't come up.  I mostly feel no but it isn't a no like "I need to get the heck out of here."

I think the no is coming up because I never acknowledged to myself the pain he caused me over multiple areas of our life.  When dating, he wasn't over his ex and spent time with her without telling me.  We moved to his hometown where he picked up where he left off when leaving and I was often alone or expected to go along with whatever he and his horrendous family were up to.  While married, he has consistently put the needs of his FOO above mine and above our relationship.  And now he has essentially ceased doing much to take care of himself. 

I deeply put shame on myself and ask "why did I put up with someone that clearly had stuff going on?"  There was a time that deep down I felt this was right.  I didn't always trust my intuition but I did this time.  In many ways he supported me in finding a better path for myself. 

But I also found ways to keep myself avoiding the truth of how he could make me feel.  I now know he is avoidant in his attachment and intellectually I completely understand why.  But the general lack of emotional connection over the course of relationship is taking its toll on me.  I have spent so much time being angry at his family and blaming everything I could when really I was avoiding acknowledging that his behavior hurts me.

I also have more perspective that I have contributed to our dynamic as well.  I did not have much of an identity when I met him and was waiting for my rescuer.  When I first met him I recognized a person I could relate to...but what I relate to now is very different.  I see as two people that were deeply wounded by our parents who are in very different places of acknowledging and accepting that. 

This forum is teaching me that it is important to identify what I want, need, and will do.  Then to say that to my husband.  I think I am already doing that...but again the pandemic makes everything so much more convoluted. 

It occurred to me that I haven't had any significant alone time since unraveling myself and my story.  I do think I need some time to integrate myself on my own.  He used to go on business trips and I am waiting for a time like that. 

I am waiting to see how I feel in a year from now.  See how the adjustments I am making  play out.  See where the world is in a year. 

[Not Alone]

Rainy Diary, just want you to know that I read your post and I hear you.

[rainydiary]

Notalone, thank you.  I actually felt a lot of shame after posting this.  I felt like I shouldn't have said it.  In re-reading what I wrote I am glad I am trying to get these things out of my head as they poison. 

I just had a moment with my husband where our attachment styles are dueling.  He has shut down on me because of something I said and did and now I am feeling more hurt.  I did say to him, "it seems like you are hurt but you aren't telling me."  I think I do need to start saying something and seeing what happens. 

[Gromit]

Hi Rainydiary,

I understand the feeling of shame when you have put something out there. I related to quite a bit in your post, I just did not know how to put that into words, but I am glad that you put it out there.

G

[Blueberry]

I actually felt a lot of shame after posting this.  I felt like I shouldn't have said it.  In re-reading what I wrote I am glad I am trying to get these things out of my head as they poison. 

I have felt the same way before about everything you wrote here. Just want to let you know.

[rainydiary]

Thank you Gromit and Blueberry.  Your responses mean a lot to me.   

[Not Alone]

I actually felt a lot of shame after posting this.  I felt like I shouldn't have said it.  In re-reading what I wrote I am glad I am trying to get these things out of my head as they poison. 

I have felt like this too. I still do to a degree, but for me, the stress of living with an avoidant husband is too much and I need to get support. Even as I say this, I realize there are many layers to all this. 

[Kizzie]

Also having difficulties with my relationship with my H rainydiary and felt some guilt about posting too. It feels better though to finally be honest not just with myself (because it's all there running underneath), with him and now here. 

I don't think any of us are trying to hurt our partners, we're just trying to look at them, our relationship with them, and at ourselves with honesty so we can make things better if possible. 

[rainydiary]

Notalone - there are so many layers.  I appreciate your support.

Kizzie - I agree - I am really noticing how important it is to name things and say them.  I am working to overcome years of bad messaging I received from my parents and now trying to unravel myself from the tangle of CPTSD.

I appreciate what all of you share - it helps me. 

[Kizzie]