My father's birthday and other FOO drama

[Pioneer]

Today is my father's birthday. It is the second birthday I have not told him "happy birthday", since we went NC. Do I miss him? Sort of... But not really.

I had a dream last night that sums it all up pretty well really. I have a reoccurring character in my dreams occasionally...it's a childhood classmate that I had a crush on, but I have identified "him" as being a representation of my father. Someone I longed affection for but could never attain. At best, I would get teased or scoffed at. The person was very self focused, insecure on the inside and had a fondness for money. That's my dad.

In my dream, the person was aware enough of my surroundings to pull out a check book and write a check for things they needed to see "fixed." Things that would be practical and probably looked bad if they weren't fixed. Something that would make my life easier is the best I could hope for. I was never looked at directly, or if I was it was from a distance. And at the end of the dream, the character set off in a direction that I needed to walk but didn't ask to walk with me. I had something else I wanted to do, and he went abruptly and didn't ask or wait, so I stayed and helped the people around me with something I could help with. I like helping people, and that is part of the path I have chosen, which is different from the heart of my f. He has the appearance of helping but not the humble heart.

And then today, in real life, I was told by my husband that some other FOO are offering to send us money. They contacted us by letter. We haven't been in contact with them for months. They say they want verification of our mailing address (which they have and it is not the same as our home address) to send it the money. I have a suspicion that it is really my NPs trying to send us money through family for the birthdays and the Christmas they have missed...to ease their conscious. This is not a first time occurence. And they are probably trying to gain the control through knowledge and emotional badgering of where our current mailing address is. But this doesn't truly give them any control. They have nothing. We are safe. I have to remind myself of these truths.

The questions that remain - Are we beyond accepting money from them? If my pride speaks here, we're in trouble already because it puts me in their control already because bad pride is a path to being triggered. In reality, the money would be very helpful to us. I also don't want to enable them further. Accepting their money might give them an adrenaline rush, though my h pointed out that they probably already have that from twistedly offering it in the first place. Also, is it my place to judge them or to take responsibility for their own feelings? I can only do what's right for me and my family.

I think I am processing all this better than I have in the past.

[dreamriver]

I would take and accept the money, spend it if you need, but don't let anyone in your family that sent it to you know that you did. If they ask, you can say there is a stack of mail you haven't opened yet but will get to it. Or, don't even answer the question, keep avoiding the question if you have to. If you get cornered say you never received it, that it must have gotten lost in the mail. Stick to your story.

I honestly feel with PDs that any of the ends justify the means of keeping peace in your life, even with little white lies (they like to lie or twist the truth, at least my FOO do, so sometimes you got to fight fire with fire to just cut off their fix and move on with your life). If you spend the money and don't do anything in return for them they can use it to prove to themselves and others how ungrateful you are in their fantasy false reality. On the other hand, I think if they found out you gave the money away, that may fuel them too. Anything that triggers them, good or negative, gives them their fix. So just tell them you didn't get anything. And they'll realize they can't get their fix off of you.

I totally agree with your DH that your NPs probably got their adrenaline rush from sending the money already. The next rush they want is hearing about how you reacted to getting it, how you spent it, how much you needed it, anything that shows that that money affected you and proof that they have some influence over your life still. If time shows that it does nothing to you, you never received it, it doesn't affect you at all, then it will eventually signal to them that they can't get to you or control you in any way any longer. And then they will give up.

And no I don't think you need to take responsibility for their feelings, not at all. That's exactly what they want and exactly what they try to get others to do so they don't have to face themselves or reality.

[Pioneer]

Thank you dreamriver for your response and thoughts. I can tell that you understand the dynamics and "games" of this type of family dynamic/manipulation. While it almost always surprises me when someone understands, it also saddens me just because I realize that you also are familiar with the pain. And it also amazes me how similar and uninventive these tactics are - they are easy to pin point once you learn to recognize them.

The "tricky" part about accepting the money from them is that they want to send it in a form of a check. And they want a response first to know that we are still receiving mail at that address. So, they will know if we respond and deposit the check. My husband could do the responding and such so I wouldn't need to. His main concern is that it would all be triggering to me. He isn't so concerned about how they choose to react.

I have various fears, such as that they will use a response from us as fuel to further anger my siblings (also NC) about how I can accept money but can't be involved at all in their lives and such... But I don't know what that would honestly truly change. I think my NPs they are too ashamed to slander us to other people...it makes them look bad they think. The other fear of mine is that it will fuel them further to try to contact my husband's family again to get to me, but they have already tried some and it didn't get them anywhere as far as they can tell (it certainly triggered me at the time).

In any case, I think the real battlefield (whether we accept the check or not) is in my mind and I need to guard against being triggered. That is the only real "control" that they have and they are on the losing side. I am getting better.

[SonOfTheLoveless]

Hello Pioneer and Dreamriver,

Allow me to put in another point of view.

I'm new in the forum, this is my first post.  A big Thank You to the people who created this forum and who run it, and also thanks to the members who fill the forum with life.  A forum like this is such a help.

I'm 52, come from a family that is significantly narcissistic, and grew up under a deeply narcissistic father, and a very controlling mother (with emotional abuse and neglect, but no physial abuse).  Judging by the symptoms described in the book by Pete Walker, I definitely have Cptsd.

My mother has severe problems letting go of her children.  Even with me at age 52, she still keeps sending me money.  I think in my case, this money is a means for her to keep me locked to her.  Even until this age, she has kept me locked in this mind state of *dependency*.  Which I am now coming to think is deeply unhealthy.  Also, I am coming to think that this thing is emasculating me.

Pioneer and Dreamriver, may I ask your ages and your sex?  (Or should one say "gender" on this forum?)

Of course every case is different, but I wanted to put in my perspective anyway.

My opinion is that it is NOT good, and that it is unhealthy, to accept money from parents when you as the adult child do not feel comfortable with accepting the money.

My reasoning:

- The role of parents should be above all to put healthy ADULTS into the world.  Adults meaning people who can function on their own.

- It is NOT the role of parents to use their children as emotional crutches for themselves.

- Therefore, a part of the task that parents have is to further it that their children grow up, and to further it that their children become independent.  Or at least, parents should ALLOW adult children the space to be independent EMOTIONALLY.

- Allowing your child to be an independent individual is a work of LOVE.  My view is that controlling and narcissistic parents who can not let go of their children (because they need their children as emotional slaves or crutches for themselves) lack the capacity for Love.

- For the act of giving anything (whether it is money or anything else), the emotional dimension is MUCH more important than the material dimension.  I posit the view that when a healthy emotional dimension is lacking in the giving, that the giving thereby becomes an act of control.

- Things (whether money or anything else) should always and only be given out of LOVE, and should only be given in a situation where the giver loves and respects the recipient.  Where "Love and respect" mean, crucially, that the giver views the other person (the recipient) as a complete individual in their own right, meaning that the giver respects and accepts the feelings and wishes of the other (the recipient).

- If things are given WITHOUT there being love and respect, then this means that the giving is an act of control, and therefore unhealthy.

- MUCH much more important than material things is that people love and respect each other.  Love and respect are much more valuable.  So therefore this means that if a parent does NOT give love (because probably incapable of it) but does give money, that therefore there is something amiss.  I mean, if the parent REALLY cared about you and really loved you, they would have been capable of sending you a simple friendly postcard, instead of money.  But the simple giving of love, this they do NOT do.  Therefore, by my mathematics, the gift of money is therefore NOT an act of love, and therefore it is something else.

- As an adult child of controlling or narc parents, your "duty" in life (your duty to God, for those who are religious) is to be true to yourself and to become an independent HEALTHY adult.  I believe that part of the process of becoming healthy, is to stop the unhealthy emotional control that your parents have been exerting over you since you were young.  Therefore my opinion is that NOT accepting the money (money given not because you need it or asked for it, but only because your parents somehow "need" to give it) is an important step on the path towards becoming healthy.

- I politely disagree with you Dreamriver on accepting the money.  You're basically saying "it's free money, so why not use it".  I think that the problem is that the emotional dimension is much more important than the material dimension.  Materialism is, I think, part of the reason why the world has gotten into this state of narcissistic parents who are incapable of love.  Everything in current culture seems to have been reduced to money.  But the crucial point is, human relationships, and parenting, is about human interaction which has a human "heart" to it.  Ask yourself: would you want a FRIEND who constantly buys you things but who doesn't connect with you on a human level?  Would such a friend feel comfortable to you, would it be a real *friend*?  So if in friendship, the currency is the heart rather than money, then how much more should the same hold for the even more essential relationship between parent and child?  A parent who only "buys" things for the child but who has no "human" connection to the child, I posit that that is not a real parent.

- My opinion is that it is much healthier to come out and refuse the money, than to bottle up your feelings inside yourself and accept the money.  Dreamriver, your view seems to be that as a child of narc parents one should "play along" with them, i.e. quietly accept the money, while inwardly rejecting the controlling that the parents probably aim for.  My problem with this is that this means that you are emotionally still bottling things up inside yourself.  You're still pandering to the unhealthy habits of your parents to you.  My point is that going through the motions, even if you're telling yourself that on an intellectual level you're not really buying into your parents' mind-control games any more, still has an EMOTIONAL EFFECT ON YOURSELF.  This is because there is a link between action and emotion.  Taking a walk when we feel down helps lift our spirits.  Working in an office that is comfortably furnished according to your needs helps you do better work.  External things DO impact on us emotionally.  So my conclusion is that going through the motions and pandering to your parents (by the act of accepting the money) is taking an emotional toll on you, that damages your process of healing into a healthy independent adult.

Judging from my long post, I guess I needed the opportunity to get all that off my chest.  It is so good to be able to vent these feelings.  Am I too emotional and not seeing things clearly in what I wrote above?

Regards to you all.  Be strong and be healthy.