Somehow not destroyed -- repairing/restoring my boundaries

[woodsgnome]

The length of this post rather resembles how long this mostly avoidant dance with the bothersome sibling I shall  mention has gone on. I tried trimming it, but I think it'll have to stand as is -- mainly because I can't bear the thought of going there anymore. It's like I'm still carting off the bricks from this: 

A few years back, I finally whittled down my chances of ever encountering any members of the FOO again. Mostly I did this by first relocating but mostly just sticking to my resolve to honour my boundaries, not answering inquiries, etc.; things like that. And, other than an occasional attempt by one sibling to try contacting me via things like birthday cards, my resolve has held steady.

Until a few days ago, when that person managed to get a phone call through. I tried to stay aloof and hope the call would be short. Then something happened -- call it a bout of dissociation or something of that sort -- a trance-like feeling that takes over when a threat is perceived (e.g. trigger/flashback territory). I'm fairly sure that comes closest to explaining what happened, but I remember talking as if my Higher Self had taken over my part of the conversation.

I'm easily spooked talking about this sort of thing, and would rather disappear  than speak my truth. This time, though, the Higher Self (or whatever to call it) became quite eloquent in reestablishing my justification for holding to my boundaries. Finall,it felt like I'd found a voice deep within that enabled me to reestablish what I need to make plain -- that I'm long past needing or wanting to have anything to do with FOO.

This was no time to back away, I needed a statement that would finally make my intentions clear. And, thanks to what I'm calling my inner Higher Self, I seemed to establish that I have to remain no-contact. My higher Self 'voice' seemed to find words that made no bones about why I've spent so much of my life avoiding any contact with FOO. Amazingly, it seemed to register with the sibling as to the why of my no-contact years and my need to continue in that vein.

I've told myself to be open to surprises regarding what might happen while on the trail of building an entirely new life. One of my biggest fears was that I'd be totally devastated if any of them succeeded at any contact. Here's the deal -- that contact was a surprise I didn't want in the worst way, but afterwards it feels like I cleared out some of the fog. How? I'm not entirely sure, but somehow it's as if my inner/higher Self DID take over the situation and speak as 'me', if that makes any sense. Whatever happened, it's the first time there was any indication that the sibling now has a firm understanding of why I haven't been around the FOO circle for several decades and it's my intention to hold to that.

Defeatist that I am (or have been) I've had a hard time believing that entities such as one's inner/higher Self might really help. Aided by those who've mentioned how the IFS system can function, I'm pleased to be changing my fear of finding an IFS-like path. Or, having failed so miserably to find much that really seemed to work before, how this time I've been drawn to take another look at fitting more IFS approaches into my recovery toolkit. So I offer a hearty thanks    to those of you who've shared your own positive experiences with IFS.

[Hope67]

Hi Woodsgnome,
I read what you wrote here, and was impressed by the fact that your inner/higher self said those things and asserted your boundaries with your sibling.  I want to do this symbol, and I hope that's ok 

I also wanted to extend a hug of support 
Hope 

[Snowdrop]

What you've written makes a lot of sense, Woodsgnome. I'm impressed. I'm so glad you're finding this type of approach helpful.  and , my friend.

[woodsgnome]

Thanks for the understanding and support, Hope and Snowdrop. It means a lot.

And now comes the aftershock, I guess. I was optimistic after the sibling's call ended, and while I felt good about the inner-led response I was able to make, that just by having a phone line I was still so vulnerable.

Yes, it's popular to say that vulnerability serves a purpose, even a positive one on occasion. And yes, I felt better about re-establishing my boundary with the sibling. Except -- my safety feels threatened, just by having had the contact, initiated as it was by the other party who should have known I wouldn't be receptive, that the chapters those memories trigger for me are off limits.

And yet, those limits were, once more, violated anyway. My sleep has deteriorated following that, sensing that maybe I'm so wrong to want safety, or at least want what I've worked to achieve stick around.

I know this lament isn't just a solo occasion, as so many others on this forum have reported. Still it is a major discouragement to wonder when the next try on the part of someone from my troubled times will occur.

Now I'm left to wonder -- will I be left alone or always subject to harassment from others who don't seem to get the message. Not entirely sure why I'm writing this way about what was a somewhat positive response. I should feel good about that, right? But ... well, you know, I'm sure; those circular fears that go like this --- 

Thanks for listening. I need to go with the good part, I suppose. Maybe having written this some of the aftershock 'trigger' might at least ease off.

[Hope67]

Hi Woodsgnome,
I hope you get to sleep better in the coming nights, as I really feel you do deserve the safety and also what you've achieved to stick around.  I think it's understandable that you've got some other feelings and thoughts about the situation, and that you describe the 'aftershock' - but I really hope that your sense of threatened safety is something that will diminish, as you re-established a boundary, and you were brave to do that.  It's a pity there's a need to do that - I agree with you on that. 

I feel like I'm waffling here, but essentially I wanted to send you another hug of support, and care. 

Hope 

[Rainydaze]

Hi woodsgnome.  I know this was a few days ago now but I just want to add that I also think you did great with reinstating your boundaries. It sounds like you tapped into a lot of healthy emotional resilience in order to protect yourself. 

Not entirely sure why I'm writing this way about what was a somewhat positive response. I should feel good about that, right? But ... well, you know, I'm sure; those circular fears that go like this --- 

When it comes to thoughts and feelings I'm of the belief that "should" doesn't apply. The brain's a complex thing and if something triggers your amygdala (and it's entirely understandable that an encounter like this would) then you can only ride the waves of emotion the best that you can and be kind to yourself until it passes. It's natural to try to think our way out of feeling the discomfort but emotions often can't be explained or reasoned with.

In terms of the inner family system, it sounds like this could be a younger version of you who feels a bit shaken by the encounter and needs a little time to feel okay again. 

Now I'm left to wonder -- will I be left alone or always subject to harassment from others who don't seem to get the message.

The uncertainty is difficult, I know. The higher self you describe is still in you though! It wasn't a fluke, it was all you. You showed that you were capable of defending yourself. As an adult you are entitled to feel safe and enforce your boundaries even if people do attempt to violate them again. 

[Kizzie]

   It was all you; you have shown yourself (especially the frightened parts) and a family member (at last you were heard), you can and will protect yourself. 

I'm not surprised there's some doubt, it's been a fear for so long and we are afterall trained to protect ourselves.  You're still doing so but in a different way from a position of strength.

Bravo, bravo, bravo!   

[woodsgnome]

Thanks, blues-cruise and Kizzie.

Your encouragement is important. I'm still stunned by how draining this whole process was/is. A bit angry that I had to do it, but relieved that I found the strength to do so.

Diving into yet more thoughts about this is less important than adjusting to the new re-established boundary. I only hope I never have to do it again.

Like everything else, this sort of thing is very lonely so I am extremely grateful to have experienced the kind support.

[Kizzie]

 

[SonOfTheLoveless]

Hello Woodsgnome, new member here.

Have you ever considered that this "Higher Self" is simply your "self"?  Your self that has been suppressed this whole time, now coming out.  I.e. that there is nothing "higher" or "supernatural" to it, it is simply *you*.  The "you" inside that feels it when something is right and when something is not right FOR YOU. 

Have you had a look at page 28 in Pete Walker, _Complex PTSD_, about what he calls "Mindfullness"?  Quote: "[...] Mindfulness is taking undistracted time to become fully aware of your thoughts and feelings so that you can have more choice in how you respond to them.  Do I really agree with this thought, or have I been pressured into believing it?"

I think Walker's point here is that every healthy human being has this "self" inside them that tells you when something is right or wrong FOR YOU -- note: for YOU, and not for the narcissist.  Obviously, narcissistic indoctrination means that the narc suppresses this healthy inner self in his victims.  The narc hijacks you psychologically, kills your "self".  We victims have been trained from infancy to suppress our inner selves, and to act as a slave to the narcissist.

Be well.

[woodsgnome]

  Hi, SonOfTheLoveless. I hope you find materials and people on OOTS you find helpful as you continue your healing journey.

Regarding your observation per what I called "higher Self" -- I do recognize it, as you suggest, as somehow being part of my own inner voice. I regard this as the deeper layer of my being, and in one way or another it's been with me all along. I'm just learning how to notice it more. Thanks for pointing this out, as it helps when an independent observer spots the same thing about what is hard to fully describe adequately.

I also noted your comments per Pete Walker's comments on mindfulness and how it can help free up space from those  destructive thoughts that were planted but remain hard to dislodge. I don't have the book accessible right now, but he did point out advantages and disadvantages of the four f's, as he calls them. On a chart comparing pros/cons of each type, he notes that those he identifies as the 'freeze' type can often easily relate to mindfulness. I'm definitely a 'freeze' type and find what he says to be true in my recovery work.

I do, however, prefer to call it heartfulness, in part as a reaction to how the heart speaks louder than the mind, in my life anyway.

Thanks for sharing your valuable insights, SonOfTheLoveless.

[SonOfTheLoveless]

Hello Woodsgnome, many thanks for your friendly reply.  Happy to be here.  (Though I hope I am not too "assertive" a type of person for this forum.)  (To everyone: Please do criticize me whenever I say something questionable or hurtful. One of the reasons why I am here, is to learn.)

I think I am probably a Fight-Fawn type (or maybe Fawn-Fight, I'm not sure).

"Heartfulness" -- I like that term.  Captures the fact that "Mindfulness" is not really about logical thinking, but more about "feeling", discovering what "feels" right and what "feels" wrong.  I am saying this as a person who is very very much a logical, rational thinker.

Below is the complete text from the heading "Mindfulness", pages 28-29, from Pete Walker, _Complex PTSD_.

Best regards to you.  Be well and be healthy.


<quote begin>

MINDFULNESS

Psychologically speaking, /mindfulness/ is taking undistracted time to become fully aware of your thoughts and feelings so that you can have more choice in how you respond to them.  Do I really agree with this thought, or have I been pressured into believing it?  How do I want to respond to this feeling -- distract myself from it, repress it, express it or just feel it until it changes into something else?

Mindfulness is a perspective that weds your capacity for self-observation with your instinct of self-compassion.  It is therefore your ability to observe yourself from an objectife and self-accepting viewpoint.  It is a key function of a healthily developed ego and is sometimes describes as the /observing ego/ or the /witnessing self/.

Mindfulness is a perspective of benign curiosity about all of your inner experience.  Recovery is enhanced immeasurably by developing this helpful process of introspection.  As it becomes more developed, mindfulness can be used to recognize and dis-identify from beliefs and viewpoints that you acquired from your traumatizing family.

I can not overstate the importance of becoming aware of your inner self-commentary.  With enough practice, mindfulness eventually awakens your fighting spirit to resist the abusive refrains from your childhood, and to replace them with thoughts that are self-supportive.  Mindfulness also helps you establish a perspective from wich you can assess and guide your own efforts of recovering.

Chapter 12 contains detailed instruction for enhancing mindfulness, as do the writings of Steven Levine, Jack Kornfield and John Kabat-Zinn.

Finally, it is important to note that mindfulness tends to develop and expand in a progressive manner to all levels of our experience, cognitie, physical and relational.  Mindfulness is essential for guiding us at every level of recovering, and we will examind this principle more closely throughout the book.

</quote end>


To be complete:

The Chapter 12 that he refers to in this passage, further has the following headings that may be related to Mindfulness: (for now I'm omitting the text from these headings from Chapter 12)

p.251 : Mindfulness Metabolizes Depression
p.252 : Somatic Mindfulness
p.252 : Somatic Awareness can therapeutically Trigger Painful Memories
p.253 : Introspective Somatic Work
p.254 : Dissolving Depression by Fully Feeling it

The books mentioned in the passage quoted above are defined in the biblioographies in Walker's book as follows:  (I have not yet seen these books)

- Steven Levine, _Who Dies_, 1982 { About: Mindfulness and radical acceptance }
- Jack Kornfield, _A path with Heart_, 1993 { About: Using meditation to increase self-compassion }
- Jon Kabat-Zinn, _Mindfulness for Beginners_, 2012

[woodsgnome]

Thanks again, SonOfTheLoveless, for your observations. 

I was once very drawn to the intellectual/analytical side of recovery work. I thought if I only knew more, I'd run into Aladdin's Lamp or some such voila moment. I was, and remain, a voracious reader. There's even a word for this, my T has pointed out: Bibliotherapy.

One thing I found missing in that approach, though -- it could be devoid of feeling the feelings one is reading about. A person can remain stuck in the mind-chatter. While I gained lots of knowledge (some of it scattered and remote) I still felt mostly empty on the feelings level. It seemed like while I was finding lots of background info, I wasn't truly absorbing much of it, like I was avoiding the pain of really diving in and making it real for me.

That's the condensed version of how I came to understand my big gap on the heartful side and how important that's become my favourite term for finding deeper healing. Recovery itself can be a troubling -- even scary -- concept for me. Why? My traumas may have passed -- or seemed to -- but the seeds were planted, from which grew crippling symptoms, which embedded themselves deep within.

So I've come to prefer regarding 'recovery' as more of an accepted cover term while moving beyond the merely intellectual to building an entirely new approach to life out of the ashes. This led me to regard the term 'heartfulness' as a sort of anchor word for finding my path out.

I guess that expands a bit on the origins of this thread, which was initially stimulated by my feeling violated/stalked by sibling with whom I have extreme boundary issues. Perhaps that's how mindfulness itself works -- ideas morph into a wider version of what one starts considering; becomes mindful. But it still needs the heart to effect the fuller healing.

Thanks again for reminding me of the Walker material and the other references. I've touched on them all in my "Bibliotherapy" and am still growing on those readings. It's much like planting a new garden, but incorporating bits of the old, as happens in the old "children's" book The Secret Gardn, discussed in another thread found within the Cafe section of the child board called Community Corner:

  https://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=13519.0

[SonOfTheLoveless]

Hello again Woodsgnome (taking the liberty to CAPITALIZE your username),

A person can remain stuck in the mind-chatter.

That is very well said.  I couldn't agree more.  Just reading words, without these words having a connection to you that you directly FEEL inside, is not enough.  It's not about the words, it is about how things connect with you.

building an entirely new approach to life out of the ashes.

Again very well said indeed.  For me myself, this is a crucial point.  To finally build MY OWN life for myself, after decades of "fawning".  My own life, built on the base of my own views and on the base of my own approach (instead of the approach dictated to me by my narc parents).

I don't see the concept of recovery as troubling or scary though -- on the contrary, I would say it is growth, rebirth.  And therefore energizing.

Personally, speaking for myself, I'm not sad to leave "the old" (i.e. the garbage in my family and in my old life) behind and to cut loose from it.  Of course, one could say that part of the old remains; namely yourself, your own personality, remains.  But I think your own "real" personality is also partly "new", meaning that over time (and maybe? especially as you heal and grow), step by step you discover more fully who you really are deep down inside.

I totally agree that the most important thing is to find a PATH (toward healing) that works FOR YOU.

Be well.

[woodsgnome]

Nice to hear from you again.

My fluctuation regarding the 'recovery' term has more to do with my personal start in life than rejecting the general concept. See, my first memories are all related to what I now know was dire abuse (couldn't call it anything as a pre-verbal infant, yet somehow sensed it was not right).

So 'recovery' -- as in returning to a certain state of mind or time -- brings up a mind-space which can trigger my memory. This upsets the direction I've been trying to move towards for years as I turn the corner into my new life's path.

Bringing this thread back to where it started, my desire to re-establish firm boundaries with a bothersome sibling was my main point. Not without lots of internal struggle, I felt like this time I was better at firmly communicating this, but as I was dealing with a narcissistic sibling it remains to be seen if it truly took hold. I at least feel like this action helped me further down my new trail.

This might just be playing with words, though; while my real goal is to deal better with the heart's response no matter the definitions used around recovery. And, perhaps that's too much thinking/rationalization  My aim was for restoring the deep-seated heart feelings, which is what I meant by referring to what I call "higher Self".

Anyway, that's all only thoughts; I'm still unearthing the healing, which is all that matters.

Thanks  for your perspective, SonOfTheLoveless.