Slowly healing from the inner critic

[goblinchild]

I'm starting to have a hunch?

The thought of getting rid of the inner critic is obviously freeing, but sometimes I have thoughts like "But how will I judge if my hair looks right (read: how will I know if I should be embarrassed or not) if I have no inner critic? I could look crazy and just..what? Love myself? Surely I can't just walk through life like that." and other such thoughts. My hunch is that maybe there is supposed to be some other inner compass there, and maybe the critic is overcompensating for the lack of that thing?

Like, I constantly feel I exist in a state of messiness and embarrassment that I have to judge in the mirror and then fix before going out. But what if instead of that, I had gotten the message that hygene and self-care is an act of love? Like an expression that someone wants you to be taken care of? What if my parents had done my hair as a kid as an expression that they cared and it was a positive activity? I think it would bother me if my hair looked bad and I would want to fix it as an act of self-love instead of having to judge everything against how embarrassing I am and how much I can't let people know.

[Jazzy]

This is a very good point, and I agree completely. A previous therapist told me that we cannot go back in time and have our parents do it right, but we can start doing it right for ourselves and others. Maybe instead of being embarrassed or not about your hair as your judgment for if it is "right", instead you can judge if you are happy with it or not.

I'm not sure why, but I have a thing about hair, so I like that you chose that as an example. It allows you to personalize and express yourself. Have fun with it, and make it your own. Sometimes even messy hair is a good look too! It's something you can choose to spend your time on, because you're worth it.

I think it is very helpful for us to learn to see look at things in a more positive way than we were taught (am I happy, instead of am I embarrassed), and this is a great example. Thanks so much for posting this. I hope things get easier with your IC!

[Not Alone]

Everyone has an inner critic. Most people have several. They typically fall into the category of managers. They're desperately trying to get you to behave—to lose weight, not to yell at your partner, not to take risks, etc.—so they attack you, thinking that will work. They are like internalized children who are in over their heads and don't know how else to run the whole family other than by yelling and criticizing.

To work with the critic we need to listen to them and learn what they protect.

We then need to honor them for that service and negotiate with them for the permission to go to what they protect so we can heal those exiles.
https://www.1440.org/blog/how-to-work-with-your-inner-critic-an-interview-with-richard-schwartz

I have been learning that my inner critics are trying to help, even though it may not seem like it. My T is really good at talking to a critical Part and finding out what her fears are and how she is trying to help.