[TW: Suicide] What now?

[Jazzy]

A little while ago, my life-long best friend killed himself... and from what I know, it wasn't quick and painless. Its been difficult to deal with. Honestly, he was my only friend. He was also my best friend, we had a special kind of relationship. We both knew each other had mental health issues, and we understood each other. We never fought, or got angry and lashed out. We never held a grudge, and although we both needed a lot of alone time to deal with our own issues, we were always there for each other when it was really needed. I'm not even sure how this is possible, its like something out of a fairy tale... but I guess neither of us are "normal" people.

Losing your best friend is a lot to deal with, losing them this way, is even more so. It's set me back a bit in my recovery journey, but that has also really shown me just how far along I have come. A lot of that was made possible by the people who I have interacted with on this website, and I thank you dearly for being so supportive and helpful.

I've been so focused on improving myself (internally), I feel like this whole topic of disturbed relationships is something I haven't even really begun to look in to. It feels like it is a lot more important for me to do so now, though. I don't even know where to begin, I just know that I have a very long way to go, as I'm sure (some of) you have noticed. I'm not even sure why I'm posting this exactly, but I'm trying to do something positive. 

[Bach]

I'm so sorry for your loss, Jazzy. Please accept a hug if it helps and feels comfortable for you

[rainydiary]

Jazzy, I appreciate you posting this and opening up about this experience.  It is difficult to lose someone you felt so seen and heard by - in my mind that is like multiple losses at a time.  I notice how you are making meaning out of your relationship and how you would like to adjust your course.  I hope that you are gentle with yourself as you find your way forward. 

[Hope67]

Jazzy, I am also very sorry for your loss - and want to send you a hug of comfort and support 
Hope 

[Snowdrop]

I understand a little of what you're going through, Jazzy. A few years ago, a friend of mine did the same. He wasn't my best friend, I'd only known him for a few months, but it was a shock and a lot to deal with.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I hear it's set you back a bit, but I'm glad you can recognise how far you've come.

[Blueberry]

Jazzy, I'm sorry for your loss. I'm sure it would set anybody back for a while. It's good that you have managed to reach out here. I'm sending support and if it feels safe and helpful then 

[Not Alone]

Jazzy, I am sorry for your loss. I lost a close friend to suicide 2 1/2 years ago. I know it hurts and there are many other thoughts and feelings.

[Jazzy]

 

Thank you for the kind words and hugs, everyone 

I'm sorry too, for those of you who have shared a similar experience.

[woodsgnome]

Please try to be safe and easy with yourself, jazzy.  A similar occurrence affected my life around 20 years ago, but it still reverberates, especially on hearing of experiences like yours.

[Jazzy]

Thank you woodsgnome. I'm just trying to process everything, but I'm doing my best to do so in a healthy way. I'm glad you are still with us, and I'm sorry if I've made your day more difficult with memories of the past.

[Kizzie]

Oh my dear Jazzy I am so so sorry for the loss of your best friend.     Glad you reached out here and  we can let you know we care and send support and concern your way   

[Alder]

I'm so sorry you lost your best friend and a person who could see you and understand. I lost a loved one to suicide a few years ago, also someone with CPTSD who I was very close to and shared the early recovery road with. You're not alone.

[Armadillo]

Jazzy,

I'm just now poking through posts from before I joined and I see that this happened not too long ago. Im sorry for both your loss and the suffering that goes with this type of painful loss. I feel a little bad about replying and popping this back up. But I just wanted to say I am sorry and sad for you. Your friend sounded like the best kind of friend. 

[Jazzy]

Whew, yeah... wasn't easy seeing this pop back up; although I do appreciate your empathy and support. 

Maybe it's for the best too, as I can talk about what I went through more, now that time has passed.

When I wrote this original post, I was not being fully honest. It didn't set me back a bit, it set me back a lot. I had just started to do better, sleeping closer to 8 hours per day instead of 12-14, then this happened, and I was back to being in bed at least half the day, and barely moving the rest of the time. I was overwhelmed, but I was also scared about my own progress.

After a few weeks of this, I realized I needed to find some sort of positive in the situation so I could keep moving forward. I couldn't help but feel guilty. I know you're "not supposed to", but how can you not in a case like this? I'm okay with feeling a little bit guilty (honestly, it's only a little bit for real this time!), because I use that as a motivation to do better for myself. Not only for myself, but so that I can help others, and this will never happen again.

Suicide is a very personal choice, and I can't stop someone from making it, but my "not being there to help enough for my best friend" will never be a factor in the future. I think that has been very good for me. It's given me a lot of determination to improve myself and help others. It may not have been long ago, but it has really "fueled my growth" so to speak.

Along with doing better myself, I've learned a lot about how the mind works, how people work, and how relationships work. Previously, I said "I don't even know where to begin.", but now I feel pretty confident on the topic, though I continue to learn more every day.

Thank you so much to everyone who posted here and showed support. Each one of you has been a positive helpful influence in my life, and I hope the same is true in return.