video of dysfunctional + functional parent

[Blueberry]

Here's another video I watched by the therapist Patrick Teahan:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bs3oVNQvtWQ
Cautionary TW for watching, though not reading.

It shows 3 different role-plays. One is of a daughter telling her M about being in T. The M reacts unsupportive and makes it all about her. The daughter can't defend herself adequately or at all. (This situation or similar is probably pretty familiar to most of us on here, certainly to me)

The second one, M is actually supportive and admits to not being there in her daughter's childhood, apologises etc. I can't remember if it was in a comment on this video or a different one, but Teahan says that's a total unicorn situation - we all want it but it hardly ever happens. It's interesting to see what a healthy parent might look like though!

The third one is something we can work towards if we haven't gone VLC or NC already: M remains dysfunctional but the daughter sets limits, speaks out, ends conversation etc. It's also helping me think about how I react in conflict with people outside FOO like my neighbours, friends, landlord etc.

I wasn't really sure where to post this. Hope this is a good place for it.

[saylor]

That was excellent, thanks!

(TW: PA)

My own M used to do some of the stuff he acted out, like any time my sibling or I would try to talk with her about how we were harmed by her letting our F beat us (repeatedly over the course of years), she'd instantly remind us of the (only) time he'd hit her, or his infidelities, or his being a deadbeat on the child support... followed by much "woe-is-me" sighing. She'd literally not even acknowledge what we'd said. She tried so hard to get away from admitting that she grievously failed to protect us

I also liked the way he pointed out at the end that gaslighting and invalidation can be traumatizing in their own right

[Blueberry]

I just watched another one too https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CI_5yKmWlfY and it was helpful. I like the way Teahan speaks about people being 'stuck'. That's where I am too with my thoughts re: No-longer-friend no. 1. Stuck. So that's something for me to accept.

He talks about codependents taking on Projects (people to change). I am/was a Project for No-longer-friends no. 1 and 2. I have taken on my own Projects in the past, I admit it.

What is so  for me though (BB stamps her feet in annoyance) is that n-l-f no.1 and 2 accept my parents and/or n-l-f are judgemental of how I deal with my parents w/o seeing that the very things in me that n-l-f want to change are things that I developed way back in childhood to survive with those parents of mine that n-l-f feel sorry for etc.  It's so warped. But it does mean n-l-f are neither of them as healthy as they think. So I don't need to question myself so much.

But it's also good if I can accept myself as 'stuck' for the moment. That's why everything seems so hard.

[tea-the-artist]

blueberry thanks so much for updating this! lately I have definitely found myself in that stuck position with my parents and wish I'd seen this (and also texted my therapist) before a recent call I made to them a few weeks ago. watching felt like teahan had recorded my past phone calls with my mom, very eye opening to the way I engaged with her. empowered adult child is definitely something to look forward to one day.

also blueberry that totally IS warped about your n-l-f's. it certainly says a lot that you see they aren't as healthy as they probably think of themselves to take you on as a project. the path of recovery shows that not only do you find it frustrating with your n-l-f's judgement of you and how you related with your parents, but also that you know the importance of trusting your gut in how you dealt with them.

[Bermuda]

That was definitely hard to watch. The way the therapist plays the narcissistic mother when she delicately says something like, "I'm not even sure that really happened."

The narcissists in my life have always flat out denied things ever happening, having said or done things, even a matter of seconds later and then tried to redirect the narrative completely. I wish I knew an empowered approach to coping with that without the dialog running in circles. So predictable, and so hurtful.

[CactusFlower]

The narcissists in my life have always flat out denied things ever happening, having said or done things, even a matter of seconds later and then tried to redirect the narrative completely.

I so resonate with this. Watching that was like listening to my ex and nearly every conversation we had before I left. They really do turn everything to be about them and their needs. The guilt trips could have filled a frequent flyer card.

[1lovecoffee+stars74]

That was iry lol. Thank you for sharing it, it was really helpful .

[Blueberry]

iry= irony? If so, what's ironic about it?

[Kizzie]

I looked up iry BB and it means "alright". In this case I think I Love Coffee means it was helpful/good.

[Blueberry]

Thanks I guess I could've looked that up too. Anyway, now I know.