An opinion about isolation is messing me up

[goblinchild]

I can't say I fully understand it yet, but the opinion was something along the lines of like... people should want to grow together. And become more realized, better people? Together? Even through healing from trauma?

And then at the same time, that people's "broken-ness" is beautiful? That one gets me. That mind as well be in a different language. I typed that and I think the operating system of my brain encountered and error and crashed.

All my life, I was treated like my "negative" emotions were bad, and my suffering was my own fault, and my negativity was such a burden on others. (Especially others who "empathically and mercifully" endured me anyways, ugh)

The process of emotionally healing from childhood trauma is obviously very difficult. Worth it- but difficult. And it feels like the most true and obvious thing in the world to me that this journey is one that has to happen alone. I'm not pleasant to be around for this reason. I suffer, and it bothers people. Healing is hard and people don't like that.

Is this an empathy thing? Is it a specific kind of person who is effected by the suffering of others that I should be avoiding or having healthier boundaries around, maybe? Or am I mostly right and perhaps there are some rare people who are not bothered by people who are healing? Yesterday I was 3,000% sure that this was a fact of life, that people are just avoidant of suffering, so the fact that these opinions even exist at all is really throwing me for a loop. I don't know what to make of it and I am an emotional scrambled egg.

[Not Alone]

We are all unique and our healing journeys are different and even our own path changes direction.

For me, I need people to hear me and understand me. I look at it as having concentric circles of support. The inner circle is my therapist because he is trained and experienced in dealing with trauma. A very close friend who has had similar trauma would be in that inner circle also. The next circle has very empathetic friends. They know some of my story. They have the ability to care. The next circle would be those who care, but aren't able to enter in to my pain on a deeper level. The outer circles would be acquaintances.

Personally, I keep people who are not affected by the suffering of others at a distance. Why would I tell someone my story who has no ability to feel sorrow or anger? That's what the abusers were like.

I hope this didn't just add to your confusion. Take your time. Find what works and fits for you.

[sanmagic7]

i've found more people on this forum who are growing together in spite of their trauma than i ever have in real life.

3 roses told the story (i believe) of the broken vase that was glued together and the fault lines were painted gold, making the 'broken' vase even more beautiful than before.

these 2 thoughts demanded that i write them.  for the rest, i agree with notalone.

love and hugs, goblinchild

[woodsgnome]

There might be some subtle notions about growing together with and/or around one's pain. In theory this sounds okay but I've run across it too often to not feel its perpetrators were often fudging a bit in their desperation to sound like authorities on emotional and other pain, when in fact they were out of their element; in the meantime hurting more than helping with their stinging commentary.

Too often I've noticed these sorts of notions bandied about by certain self-help authors who've perhaps studied a little philosophy or psychology and then praise the wonders, even advantages, of a sad or damaged childhood or similar themes.

Their next step, though, can slip into blaming the victim. One highly regarded self-helper even taunts people as having what they call 'woundology', implying that the sufferers create their own mess or some such twist of logic. Again, there may even be a little truth to be derived from misfortune, such as building up one's discernment and resilience through misfortune, but it's the same with advising someone that a hot stove can burn if it's touched.

When I see this overdone I just sigh and know I'm probably dealing with someone who probably has little personal experience with the deep shame and trauma that can go along with such negative comments. Even if they're meant well, they can bruise more than help.

I know I've felt hurt and guilty with some of these advice-givers. I'd feel like I was so wrong, would never get it right, etc.; until I realized they were dragging me further down rather than helping me turn towards healing I was desperate for.

As goblinchild points out, healing is hard enough to attain and usually doesn't develop on a straight rags-to-riches sort of journey. As for me, I've tried to learn mostly from people like Pete Walker and Carolyn Spring, who've been through so much themselves and only slowly grew through some painful processes until finally progressing despite suggestions they were permanently damaged or inferior.

As notalone noted, this can be a rather isolated and individual journey. Sanmagic also spoke of the broken vase story, derived from the Japanese art called Kintsugi:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EBUTQkaSSTY&ab_channel=TheSchoolofLife
(I recently included this on another thread, so hope it's okay to insert it here as it relates)

I hope you can find some relief and build further self-compassion, goblinchild. 

[Kizzie]

Hey Goblinchild - here's a link that may help.  There are caring professionals & people who know we so need connection and caring supportive treatment & community to heal.  I go to it when I'm feeling no-one "out there" seems to get this - http://bodyandsoulcharity.org/.

Body and Soul is built on love, kindness and a desire to understand one another. From the beginning, we created a 'healing community', inviting our members into an environment where everyone is keen to find out what happened to you before you met us, and what is going on in your life right now.

This tenacious attention to the nuance of individual circumstances is the foundation of a genuinely systemic, whole-person approach to health and well being. In dynamic dialogue with our members, we identify the most difficult aspects of their lives right now and take any immediate steps we can to resolve them, while also nurturing the practical, social and psychological factors that will protect them in the future.

I am reassured whenever I visit Body and Soul there are those who get this and maybe their example will foster others to do the same. It's why I tweet about B and S often, hoping to inspire interest in this approach.

There are people out there who do care and can help us.