Secrecy

[Gromit]

I had a vaccination last week and I didn't tell anyone beforehand, until I was going out the door. I had my reasons, I didn't actually want to have it, for one thing.

However, it prompted my husband to ask why I was so secretive.
'Fear of judgement' I said. Unsaid, fear of judgement, questions, ridicule, humiliation, abandonment, etc
'But I have never judged you'.
Well, he has, but I do not need to get into that. Not knowing what to say, I said, 'isn't asking why I am secretive a judgement?'
'Don't put it back on me' he said.

And that was that. But, obviously, it has been on my mind as I grappled with the side effects of the vaccination I did not want to have.

Isn't saying I fear judgement enough? It doesn't have to be an accusation, it is my fear, my problem, along with all the rest of things which accompany CPTSD. It isn't going to change unless I live alone. I am not doing anything wrong, I just struggle to do things whilst being observed.

As for the vaccination itself I was offered it long before I expected to be offered it because of registering as a carer at the doctors. I thought, with all the medical stuff I had to sort out for my child last year it might make them more helpful, instead, it has just meant I get offered vaccinations early. Telling people is only going to lead them to ask questions why I am a carer and my child does not want people knowing about her medical treatment.  I have done very well at not telling nosy people, who asked questions about her treatment, anything.

I just needed to say this, somewhere where people would understand.

G

[Hope67]

Hi Gromit,
I understand what you're saying.   I wanted to say more, but I can't find the words just now.
Hope 

[Jazzy]

Hey G, I understand that fear. It's so much more than the words say, but we know it.

Sorry that exchange with your husband didn't go better. It must have been difficult, on top of the stress you were already facing.  if it would be helpful for you.

Hopefully some of the stress will resolve now that it's over.

[Kizzie]

I see that asking  "But why do you feel this way?" feels like he's questioning the rightness or correctness of what you feel.    IDK but he may also be wondering on some level if he did contribute to you feeling that way, something more like "But I have never judged you ...have I"?  In any case, those of us with CPTSD have been judged you a lot in the past so it's no wonder we keep secret about some things that are sensitive for/important to us.

Sorry the medical system isn't of more help.  I can well imagine getting a vaccine early feels like it's more about not taxing the health system "Well we don't want you getting sick because you take care of your child" versus "How can we help you?" Big difference. 

[Gromit]

I see that asking  "But why do you feel this way?" feels like he's questioning the rightness or correctness of what you feel.    IDK but he may also be wondering on some level if he did contribute to you feeling that way, something more like "But I have never judged you ...have I"?  In any case, those of us with CPTSD have been judged you a lot in the past so it's no wonder we keep secret about some things that are sensitive for/important to us.

Sorry the medical system isn't of more help.  I can well imagine getting a vaccine early feels like it's more about not taxing the health system "Well we don't want you getting sick because you take care of your child" versus "How can we help you?" Big difference. 

Yes, thanks Kizzie, he may also see why I did not want to say anything as our DS has recently had something happen and there was some discussion as to whether he should tell his grandmother, because that is a sure way of telling everyone, and, also one person I did not want knowing I had the vaccination early as then, everyone would know. OH has kept things from her because of this, and he can also be secretive too.

As for the health service, surely every parent is a carer if their child is still a minor, and therefore, every parent should have support in caring for their children it is a hard role and, as many of us know, the repercussions of not being able to be 'good enough' parents are pretty costly to all. Complaining about the GP service was actually more effective in getting the support we needed.

Kind of wondering what next week will bring, OH with a week off the working from home which he didn't tell me about until recently.

G

[Kizzie]

Sadly we had to tell our son early on to be careful what he tells his surviving grandparent (my M), as she will broadcast it and often in a way that doesn't resemble the truth but her N agenda whatever that may be at that moment in time. Any contact with her we keep quite superficial and for very good reason as you know from experience in your family.

Wishing you a better week Gromit