Jazzy's Journal - Round 3

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Jazzy

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Re: Jazzy's Journal - Round 3
« Reply #30 on: May 08, 2021, 12:03:49 AM »
Thank you, Hope! I appreciate your support, and your compliment. :)

It's no problem at all that you feel like you can't get your brain together to come up with anything to say. Even when I ask questions like this, I have absolutely no expectations for you, or anyone else here to have the right answers, or even any answers at all. We shouldn't be the ones who have to figure everything out, especially on a subject like this! I hope that others who are in a better place will figure something out too. I'm sure they will, even if it takes longer than it should.

 :hug:

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Armadillo, thank you! You're right, it is a betrayal. I'm not sure exactly how I feel about good-ish people failing to help vs abuse and neglect... that's a complex topic for me, and certainly not one I can write about in a few lines. I  do see your point though, and I understand you feeling that way. I'm sorry to hear that you've been failed so badly as well.  :hug: if it is positive for you!

I like your idea about "community based participatory research" a lot. I think it may be more challenging to study CPTSD that way, than it would be to study other topics, because of the way CPTSD interferes with the mind. I'm not sure how well someone suffering from trauma will be able to interact with the researchers who are not. However, just because it is more challenging, doesn't make it any less of a good idea. I'd love to see it put in to practice, I think it would have a lot of great results, and really move things forward. Maybe someone who has a bad history of CPTSD, but is currently not suffering so strongly from the impact, will be able to work as a mediator (or translator) between the two groups.

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Jazzy

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Re: Jazzy's Journal - Round 3
« Reply #31 on: May 13, 2021, 12:29:54 AM »
Today was a frustrating day! I couldn't figure something out, and I just kept trying and trying.... and then I realized I was undernourished and weak, then I realize I was over 2 hours late for lunch. Unfortunately, I didn't learn my lesson, but went right back to trying to figure out the problem, and ended up undernourished and weak again, because I was late for dinner.

This is really difficult for me, because I was always starved and malnourished as a child. I didn't eat very often, and when I did, it was very unhealthy. M didn't do very well at taking care of me at all. Today was like a bad day from my childhood.

But, I'm doing a bit better now, and tomorrow will be better! :)

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Armadillo

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Re: Jazzy's Journal - Round 3
« Reply #32 on: May 13, 2021, 01:25:23 AM »
I'm sorry today was like a bad day from childhood and you weren't fed well as a little child. I'm proud of you though for figuring it out and feeding yourself even if it was late.  :cheer:

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Jazzy

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Re: Jazzy's Journal - Round 3
« Reply #33 on: May 13, 2021, 11:23:39 PM »
Thank you Armadillo, I appreciate your support!  :hug: if it is positive for you



Last night when I was in bed, I had some sort of episode. The first thought that comes to my mind is that it was a panic attack. I'm not sure that's quite right though, because I wasn't anxious about anything. I think it was more that I just worked so hard (mentally) for so long to try to figure out that problem, and didn't take care of myself. I was mentally overstimulated, and not cared for enough physically or mentally.

Anyway, that kind of episode, regardless of what it is called, is thoroughly unpleasant! It's scary when my body starts behaving in that way, and is mostly out of my control. However, I did recognize it immediately, as I've had panic attacks before. Because I was able to catch it so early, I was able to stop it before it got too bad, which is awesome!

Even though it was an unpleasant experience, I can see some good in it too. The bad day I had used to be every day of my life, for basically all of my life. I didn't often react like that, because I was accustomed to being treated so badly (first by M, then by myself). So for me to react so strongly to one day like that really highlights to me how much better I am taking care of myself now. I think it's good for my body, and mind, to react badly to being treated badly.

I also realized something about weight management. I was taught that the core concept of losing weight is to burn more energy than you take in. I was taught by example that means to eat less. Doing that, on top of my already existing problem of not eating enough, seems to be really unhealthy. I likely need to eat more, differently. I think it will be good to intake as little fat and sugar as possible, but still get a lot of vitamins, minerals, and proteins. So, I will try doing that!

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Armadillo

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Re: Jazzy's Journal - Round 3
« Reply #34 on: May 14, 2021, 12:04:40 AM »
Is it possible at all to reframe it as eating food that is as nourishing as possible without also trying to limit intake of fat and sugar?

It just feels like it's still a way to deprive yourself.  :hug:

I'm sorry you had a panic type episode. Catching them early can be helpful and yeah, you're so right that it is healthy to feel bad when you are treated badly.

Our bodies know what to do!

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Jazzy

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Re: Jazzy's Journal - Round 3
« Reply #35 on: May 14, 2021, 12:15:06 AM »
That's a good thought Armadillo, thank you!  :hug:

You are correct, I am still depriving myself by limiting my intake of things like fat and sugar. I really appreciate you understanding that I have a history of depriving myself, and how damaging that has been.

On the other hand, I am trying to lose some weight. I know I talk about how I have undereaten all my life, but one of the medications I was on caused me to gain 60 pounds (27 kilos) on my stomach. I'm not sure how the science of that works, I just know I'm trying to get rid of it. I'm also not as active as I could be. I walk/jog a bit in the morning, and do a bit of weight lifting in the evening, but otherwise I sit at my computer all day.

So, I'm honestly not sure what's best. Like so many things in life, I think I need to find a good balance. I will think about it more though, and go easier on myself. I really appreciate your input, it helped me to realize I am still depriving myself, as you said. Thank you so much! :)

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Armadillo

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Re: Jazzy's Journal - Round 3
« Reply #36 on: May 14, 2021, 12:29:14 AM »
Aw, well, that IS tough. Even little steps of being kinder to ourselves is really good so if you need to start with restricting fat and sugar but thinking about getting good nutrients that's a great start to not depriving yourself!

Sorry too for dropping advice! I think I'm a little sensitive today to this stuff because my little girl was talking about restricting sugar and dieting yesterday and that really set off a bunch of stuff for me.

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Jazzy

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Re: Jazzy's Journal - Round 3
« Reply #37 on: May 15, 2021, 01:50:34 AM »
I thought about weight management some more, and it occurs to me that I already have all (or at least most) of the pieces to the puzzle here, with the one Armadillo included about depriving myself. Thank you Armadillo! :)

I just need to connect the dots, so here we go:

Core Concept:
More energy burned than taken in leads to weight reduction.

Additional Concepts:
Nutrition encompasses more than just energy.
It is important to take in other things (including some sugar!), to remain healthy.
History of self-deprivation is likely to skew judgment about what is healthy.
Changes like losing 60 pounds on the stomach should be done gradually, not over night.

General Concepts:
Balance (or delta, for the more mathematically inclined) over time is key to achieving my goals.
Instead of reducing one variable (energy intake), I can increase the other (energy burned) for the same result.

So, based on this, I plan to make two changes.

1. Less depriving myself of energy intake, and more using up the energy I take in and have stored. This means more time exercising, and it's okay to rarely have even some sweets like candy.
2. Measuring my results less often. I think weekly is more appropriate than every other day.



Armadillo: It's no problem at all that you dropped some advice here. Giving advice isn't always the best approach, for many reasons, but in this case it was very helpful. I also appreciate the way you did it. It was really good for me to read your core concept "feels like it's still a way to deprive yourself", so that I could understand what I was doing, and then decide if I was happy with that behaviour or not. Interacting with people can be tricky, but you did well here! :)

I also understand it being a sensitive topic for you. It is for many people. I'm always unsure about how people will react to me talking about it, but I figure my journal here is a good place. Anyway, I'm sorry to hear that you were really set off with your little girl talking about it, and then myself as well. It sounds like it is very important to you, which I think is noteworthy. From what you wrote in your own journal, it sounds like you have multiple important things you are dealing with though. So hopefully you can be patient with yourself while sorting all of that out. :)

Thank you for your positivity and support, especially on a difficult topic!

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Armadillo

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Re: Jazzy's Journal - Round 3
« Reply #38 on: May 15, 2021, 06:10:42 AM »
Jazzy, you are such a thoughtful, kind, and thorough person. I have no doubt I'd be drawn to being friends with you in real life.

I'm happy that you've found a way to think about this in a way that feels healthy and non-depriving. I think as long as your end goal is to nurture yourself in a way you did not receive as a kid you'll get where you need to be. Of course it'll be hard with the medication too so cut yourself a lot of slack!

And thanks for being thoughtful about my own reaction but it isn't all that deep for me. I don't have an eating disorder, nor does my daughter. But I feel protective of my kids' mental health and very scared things are going to go wrong. I also live in a very snooty town full of women who starve themselves, so I got very mama bear when my 9 yr old started talking about dieting and not eating sugar and junk food.  :whistling:

I think that rubbed off on me feeling a little protective mama bear-ish toward little you.
« Last Edit: May 15, 2021, 06:13:04 AM by Armadillo »

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Jazzy

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Re: Jazzy's Journal - Round 3
« Reply #39 on: May 17, 2021, 11:53:50 PM »
Thank you Armadillo! I really appreciate your beautiful, encouraging words. I need them right now. Thanks for explaining more about why you (re)acted the way you did. That helps me understand better, and feel more connected with you.



Struggling right now, because I just put myself out there and posted asking about some nutrition advice, mentioning I have been mentally unhealthy in the past, and have a history of malnourishing myself... and then I was told to read the common questions list, and my post was deleted.

I did try to read the common questions list, but it was empty. Maybe it was a loading error or something unusual, but it was not helpful, and neither was deleting my post asking for help.

So, that was really hurtful. I believe logically that it is because the person who did it is more concerned about seeing posts that make them feel good rather than helping people, which is a poor reflection on them, not on me. It's very hard to feel that though, especially with what I've been through, which I'm sure everyone can relate to.

However, I'm very encouraged that I wasn't completely crushed by it. A few months ago it would have put me right in to a dissociative episode, but now it is "just" a really bad feeling. I even messaged the person, and told them that the questions were empty, and said I hope they improve that for other people in the future... so they might not receive that well, but I really tried to turn a very negative thing in to a positive. I think that's the best I can do in this situation.

I wanted to get to some more posts here tonight, but with how I'm feeling, I'm just going to relax and try to improve my mood.

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rainydiary

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Re: Jazzy's Journal - Round 3
« Reply #40 on: May 18, 2021, 01:04:24 AM »
Ugh, I can relate to what you shared.  Online communities can be so difficult to navigate.  I can think of a number of times where I put myself out there and shared a vulnerable post or question or observation only to have my post deleted or responded to in ways I found hurtful.  Especially in groups that say they are about learning and teaching and supporting. 

I honor you for putting yourself out there.  I notice you showing curiosity about what happened and hope that you find some meaning from this. 

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Armadillo

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Re: Jazzy's Journal - Round 3
« Reply #41 on: May 18, 2021, 01:57:06 AM »
I'm sorry Jazzy. I am really cheering dor you though for seeking clarifications, for advocating for yourself and others, and for looking for ways to lift your mood.  :thumbup:

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Jazzy

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Re: Jazzy's Journal - Round 3
« Reply #42 on: May 18, 2021, 11:56:45 PM »
Ugh, it's horrible! rainydiary, I'm so sorry to hear you have faced similar rejection and people unwilling to connect/help. I hope you've found what you're looking for, from other sources. Thank you for your positivity as well, especially on this topic! Your words mean a lot to me.

I actually have processed it a fair bit. At first I thought that person may have a traumatic history of their own, but I don't believe this is correct. In my experience, traumatized people tend to hide / shut down more than they hurt other people. The reply I received to my message really highlighted that this person is quite negative, but confident. What an unfortunate combination.

I also had a bad dream around 4am because of this incident. It wasn't too bad though, not a nightmare, and certain not a night terror. I was able to recognize that my mind was just processing things, and making connections, trying to inform me of other potential dangers of a similar nature. After acknowledging how hurt I was, and appreciating that my mind was looking out for me, I was able to go back to sleep and get a bit more rest.

In a way, I also appreciate that I was given a very clear indication to stay away from this community, nearly immediately. While it was hurtful, it was easier to leave before I made any connections with anyone else. It's like those landlords who say "no pets allowed." I appreciate them telling me up front that I don't want to deal with them!

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Armadillo, thank you for your positivity and cheering me on! That's very encouraging. :) I also want to thank you for your "mama bear-ish" reaction previously. It shows a lot of empathy, compassion, and kindness. Those are wonderful things, and I think you do the world a lot of good by practising them.   :thumbup:

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Jazzy

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Re: Jazzy's Journal - Round 3
« Reply #43 on: May 19, 2021, 12:06:39 AM »
I was very encouraged today when I saw, what I believe to be, a perfect display of good mental health. I saw it on my way to the grocery store.

Here's what I saw:
There was a man out in his yard. He looked to be in his late 20s. He was in very good physical condition, with developed muscles having a notable tone, but not excessive growth. His appearance was very neat and tidy. He was standing in his front yard, watering his young flowers with a dainty little watering can.

Here's how I saw it:
  • Someone who realized that health is important, and clearly invests time and energy in to their well being, but not going overboard.
  • Someone who understood that looking good is important too, not just for others, but for yourself as well.
  • Someone wise enough to use the right tool. A small can of water, for young plants... so they have enough water for nourishment, but not so much as to drown.
  • Someone confident enough to use the right tool in a very visible place, even though it goes against "social norms".
  • Someone who appreciates strength, but also spends time nurturing others (plants) and helping them grow.

I've been working towards that ideal recently, though it will take me some time to get there. It was very powerful and encouraging to see that it is not only possible, but happening close to home.

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Armadillo

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Re: Jazzy's Journal - Round 3
« Reply #44 on: May 19, 2021, 12:27:58 AM »
Hah you made a very good observation about traumatized people versus the type of person who would shut you down negatively.

I'm going to try to hold on to your positive example of how to thank your brain for looking out for you with the bad dream.

I also love your observations about the fit man watering his plants.