Jazzy's Journal - Round 3

[Hope67]

Hi Jazzy,
I agree with Armadillo that you made some very good observations there.  I could see that scenario in my mind's eye clearly.  I've been doing some work-sheets in my Sensorimotor book that I'm reading which are about looking at body language and how people hold themselves, and body messages etc, and your depiction and conclusions about that person you saw, that was interesting. 

Hope 

[Jazzy]

Thank you Hope! It's so nice to hear from you. I'm glad you found what I wrote to be interesting, and were able to connect it with what you have been reading. 
--
Thanks Armadillo, I appreciate your positive feedback! It's always a positive experience to "talk" with you.

I still feel sad for that person, because I imagine they are missing out on healthy relationships for the most part, if they way they treated me was any indication of how they treat everyone else. It seems pretty messed up to me that they've learned that kind of behaviour to be acceptable. Even if they aren't traumatized, I expect they still haven't been treated so well themselves. I hope they find some more positivity in their life, but it's best for me to focus my time and attention elsewhere.

--

I'm not feeling great tonight, but not too bad either. I'm not sure what words to use to describe it well. It's like I'm feeling resistance to connecting with others. I'm a bit guarded today.... and that word "guarded" just gives me an idea that thinks really explains things.

I was texting back and forth a bit earlier today with my father-in-law, trying to help him out with something on his computer. I think I did really well, though there is one thing I could have done better, which I've made a mental note of for in the future. The thing is though, he was totally non-responsive to my attempts to be emotionally open and positive. There was no emotional connection at all. I don't even get a reply to every message. I might as well have been talking to a stranger calling for tech support. He's also challenging to deal with in general, because we have a lot of values which are mostly opposing. I don't mean to be too judgmental, his life is his own to live, it just doesn't connect with my own.

So I think that has really biased me today. I guess my mind is still more sensitive than I thought, or perhaps it's just extra sensitive towards him.

Anyway, it's bed time now. I'm looking forward to getting some good rest, then out in the fresh air tomorrow morning.

[Jazzy]

Lately, my ankle has been hurting me. Something is out of alignment, and it's making it difficult to walk correctly. This has made me think a lot about how to properly deal with injuries, and I find it particularly interesting that I really didn't start to improve from CPTSD until I started treating it the way I would treat a physical injury, although I think a torn muscle is a closer match than a sore ankle. Initially, I wanted to write about this in the self-help section, but I'm concerned that I'm dominating that part of the forum, and I don't want to to cause any negative feelings in anyone.

I won't go in to too much detail, but basically the steps to treat an injury like this are to remove pressure, elevate, adjust temperature, rest, and then mix in therapy with lots more rest. To me, mentally, it looks like this: remove stress, focus on my well being more, make sure the physical conditions for my brain are good (medication etc), rest, then therapy with more rest. I can't help but wonder if more removing stress, rest, and focusing on well being would help others.

I found that therapy is stressful enough by itself, so it's extra important to clear out the negative stress of life, in order to be able to grow from the positive stress of therapy. This seems to be widely well accepted for physical injuries (physical therapy hurts a lot, so you do almost nothing else but PT), so why is it so difficult for society to accept it for mental injuries?

--

As I mentioned in 1,2,3 today was a really great day for me. For the first time in over 10 years, I published something relating to my career. It wasn't a big thing at all, but it was infinitely bigger than nothing. A handful of people have already subscribed to it, and so far the ratings are 5/5 stars. I'm really feeling good about this. I think it marks a major milestone in my healing journey.

If someone had told me a year, or even 3 months ago that I would be doing this today, there is absolutely no way I would have believed it. Healing is a lot of work, and I had to take drastic action to get this far. It has also been years before I started to see breakthroughs like this. I wish I could have resolved things easier, but I'm so happy with how things are now!

[Armadillo]

That's a really great analogy Jazzy between physical and mental injury and how we care for those. I will try to keep that in my head!


Great job on the publication and great reviews so far!!!!! That is so awesome! And I'm glad you are able to feel pride in that!

[Jazzy]

Nothing I really want to talk about today. With it being Saturday, I want to take an evening for myself to relax and recharge. Although, there is one thing I want to say.

Thank you for your comments Armadillo. Your positive feedback is very encouraging to me, and I'm certain it helps me be my best. I'm really glad that I have you cheering for me.

[Jazzy]

The other night, I had a night terror... though I'm not sure exactly why. Obviously something was upsetting me, and that's okay, but why was I terrified to the point of feeling it physically? I wonder if my tinnitus makes it worse. I think that as I'm waking up feeling afraid, my mind interprets my tinnitus as an alarm, which makes things worse. For a brief moment I literally hear an alarm going off, even though it isn't physically happening. I do have a terrifying memory (memory of being terrified?) from childhood about an air raid siren, so I expect that's related as well.

I'm not really sure what I can do to prevent this from happening in the future though, which is frustrating and discouraging. On the positive side, neither the terrifying feeling or the after effects last nearly as long as they used to.

[Jazzy]

Today I was thinking about another thing I did to help me along my healing journey, when I was really bad. I don't think it will connect very well with everyone, but maybe it will help someone with extremely low self respect. My self respect was so low, that become a better person wasn't even a reality to me. I didn't even feel like a real person at all, so I couldn't just become a better one.

What I did to get around that was to create the ideal of a perfect, or at least a desirable person. I went so far as to give this "person" a name, then I just tried to act more like them. Even though I didn't think it would lead to any big changes or anything, I just wanted to be/do a bit better, and this was the only way I could find to make that happen.

Turns out that it worked really well, along with all the other things I put effort in to!

[Armadillo]

Aw I'm sorry you are having night terrors. What you said about tinnitus is intriguing to me because my tell tale sign I'm dissociating is a roar in my brain similar to tinnitus.

I can't believe your trick of creating and acting like a fictional person you created worked!!! That's pretty remarkable!

I hope you sleep better tonight.

[Jazzy]

Thank you Armadillo. It is interesting to read about your roaring when dissociating.

I wonder how these sounds relate (if at all) to flashbacks/hallucinations. Many years ago (before I knew about CPTSD), I had an acquaintance who studied how the mind works as their career, though I'm not sure exactly what they did. At one point I told him I was having minor hallucinations that were mostly annoying, but real enough to cause me to act on them. He replied "oh, it's probably just stress"

While that's not the best reply, I find it very interesting that it seemed such common knowledge to him that stress brings about these episodes. No wonder those of us with a stress disorder experience them. I think it would have been very helpful if someone in the medical field told me that hallucinations were expected, though I don't believe anyone in the medical field truly understands what I've been through.

[Jazzy]

One of the connections my subconscious mind made today was on the topic of sharing interests with others. It's been really encouraging lately understanding that when I "realize" something, it is really my subconscious mind working it out and simply passing the knowledge along to my logical mind. I'm starting to really enjoy taking a moment to appreciate and encourage my subconscious mind, then see what further breakthroughs it has for me on the topic at hand.

What my subconscious told me is that a big part of why I have trouble connecting with others is because I'm afraid to share interests with them. Much to my surprise, both of my brother-in-laws have expressed that they feel extremely positive when I show interest and ask them about their favourite interest.

It seems pretty simple, just express interest in what another person likes doing, ask them questions, and appreciate the knowledge they share. Applying that knowledge in my own life has been really good too. It improves my life, and helps them, and our relationship. ... but it has been really difficult for me to do that.

I realized that because growing up, I was never able to share my interests in a healthy way with anyone. I had literally no friends, not even school mates, and all of the adults were parent figures, so they just dominated everything I showed an interest in. I learned the only way to have an interest myself was to keep it secret. My grandfather is especially dominant, which is always a struggle between him and I. I remember one time when I was a teenager, I asked for his help wiring up a new stereo in my new (used) car. Instead of us doing it together, he did the whole thing himself. When I tried telling him I was disappointed we didn't work on it together, he stormed off in a rage. At least he didn't hit me, but it was still damaging emotionally.

I hope that by continuing to share in other's interests I will be able to learn emotionally that it is actually a good thing, and maybe in the future I will be able to share my own with others without feeling attacked.

[Armadillo]

I love what you're saying about listening to your subconscious and letting it share knowledge with your logical mind!

It breaks my heart thinking of you alone with no one to share interests with as a kid. You're a pretty cool human, think if all those kids who missed out!

[Jazzy]

Wow, I don't think I've been called "cool" before.  Thank you Armadillo, you're so sweet.

--

This morning when I woke up, I felt a bit sad. I didn't fully understand that I felt sad, but something has been bothering me lately, and it was especially strong this morning. Seemingly out of nowhere (actually out of my subconscious mind, which was hard at work), I felt the urge to listen to a song that I haven't listed to in a few years. I put the thought aside because I was in the middle of cooking breakfast and didn't want it to burn but it came back a couple of times.

I finally realized it must be pretty important for my subconscious mind to tell me 3 times, so I turned the stove down and went and listened to the song in the bedroom with my headphones. I imagine most people will be appalled by the song, so I won't give all the details. However, here is the chorus, which hopefully will help explain why I connect with it so well.


...
Life submissiveness
Hypnotizing the ignorant
A little boy's best friend's always his mother
At least that's what she said
Life of a simple man
Taught that everyone else is dirty
And their love is meaningless
I'm just a soiled dirty boy, just a soiled dirty boy


The song is actually about Ed Gein aka The Butcher of Plainfield but it talks about why he did what he did, and what led to him acting this way. A big part of it being that his mother hid him away in fear, instead of getting him help, just like mine did. Later on, he was just locked up and never released. That's really scary for me to feel a connection with a "butcher". I also feel very let down; like my mother failed me too. Though I am very happy that I somehow have managed to turn things around and am not locked up.

I was extremely emotional listening to the song this morning, and had tears running down my cheeks not even half way through the song. There was a lot of hurt and fear and disappointment pent up. It was good to process it with the help of the song though, and I went back to making breakfast (it was only "well done").

Then my subconscious mind filled me in on why this came up now. Last week I had told my mom that my ankle was really hurting me. It's a big deal because I've stopped jogging and even stopped going for walks. I've mostly just been hobbling around the house. So, it's really taken away from "the new healthy me".

It's an even bigger deal for details I don't want to get in to right now, but suffice it to say that I have some spinal alignment problems that my parents never helped me grow out of as a child.

My mother didn't even reply to my message at all, never mind show any empathy and compassion. She's been doing better lately, but how do you just completely ignore your child (even when they're an adult) when they tell you they are really hurting and struggling?!  I want to feel angry, but I can't right now... mostly just disappointed, hurt, disrespected, and like it isn't fair.

Then I get a message from her about how she got rid of someone in her life who has been difficult for her, and how she's going out of town for the weekend with her husband to de-stress and celebrate. She even made up some nice artwork for the occasion, because it is so important to her.

I guess I shouldn't have gotten my hopes up with the gifts she's given me recently. It's back to the old selfishness she usually displays. At this rate, I doubt she will ever change.

It's really difficult to end this one on a positive, but I think one critical point is that I no longer rely on my mother to get through day by day. I guess, unlike Ed, I've found a way to make it on my own. Thanks to everyone here who has helped in that process.

[rainydiary]

Jazzy, I found your post very moving.  I am so grateful to you for sharing as you expressed things I often experience but don't always know how to express.  The part that really gets me is how we might have a part of us that still craves and wants what we didn't get growing up.  I am still grieving for that part of myself.  It's hard to have a biology that pushes us toward a parent no matter what because they are supposed to take care of us.  I've been reflecting lately on how I reenact this dynamic at work too - I keep looking for what I didn't get growing up and I somehow keep finding bullies that hurt me.  It is a process and I am grateful that we can share here and support one another. 

[Armadillo]

I love that you are listening to your subconscious more. You're right that it is important when our brain or body tries to tell us things that we stop and listen.

That's quite an intense song to have speaking to you about your mom. I'm glad you are listening though.

It's really hurtful that they can't think about their own children's hurts, needs, and wants. As a mom myself,  I can't even imagine it. But I know it's been powerful when I've realized my own mom isn't going to change or magically have the capacity for a normal relationship of any kind. Continuing to try and fail just was making me doubt myself that I wasn't doing something right. When I realized she couldn't change it made me put the blame on her instead of me (in a healthy way).

I really hope your ankle feels better soon and you can get back to running and feeling well.

And hey, I hate to say it, I do have a quirky sense of what's cool! 

[Jazzy]

Thank you rainydiary!

You're welcome. While I write mostly for myself in my journal, I'm very glad that it is helpful to you, and hopefully, others as well. You make a very good point. We were cheated out of so much, a fundamental part of our lives when we were young and developing. I don't know if that craving will ever go away, but I hope it gets easier in time. I expect it will, as I learn to take better care of myself as an adult, and have better input from others in my life now.

You also make a good point in that we tend to be attracted to what we're used to, and what we can relate with. While that makes sense, it is very difficult, because we get stuck in this cycle. I'm sorry that you haven't fully broken that cycle yet, but it's great that you've recognized it. Recognition is always the first step to improvement, in my experience.

I am also grateful that we share and support one another here! It has been tremendously helpful to me.  if it is positive for you.

--

Thank you Armadillo!

Me too! I'm putting a lot of effort in to being more aware and acting more on my sub conscious. I'm walking around all day literally talking to myself out loud, telling my mind what a good job it's doing, and encouraging it in the way it was never encouraged as a child. It may sound silly, but it has great results for me!

You make a good point about expectations, and I'm glad you've found a helpful way to deal with it. You're absolutely right about blame as well. I think I'm at the point where I'm not blaming myself, but not blaming her either. So, I'm making slow progress. This is a very big issue for me though, it feels like the root of all my problems. So, I'm being patient with myself, but continuing to try to move forward and refine how I handle the situation. Thank you for your input!

Thank you for your empathy and compassion about my ankle too. I really appreciate that!

if it is positive for you