Never done this before so *possible trigger warning*

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Never done this before so *possible trigger warning*
« on: June 14, 2021, 03:09:06 AM »
Hello, I'm chromedy!

Im sorry if this is long I tried to be short omg. I have never sought out a group for support, let alone talked about this knowing the full extent of what it was now...
I have pretty bad social anxiety and it unfortunately persists online so just a heads up I guess.
I'm here for validation and support as I get back into therapy after having a pretty rough time dealing with my depression and ptsd.
I've recently become aware that things I've so desperately tried to rationalize and say weren't what they were... are.

No matter how much searching I do I can't find anyone or anything similar to what happened to me so I feel extra alone and isolated. Please comment if your situation was similar and comfortable saying so.
I was a 14 yr old girl who was groomed by a beloved female teacher in high school and depending on what article or website I read, SA played a part. I won't be graphic obviously but it was so subtle its taken me 9 years to see it for what it was.
It has ruined my life. I feel like I was in high school yesterday but 9 years have passed and I'm now a mother and engaged. I cannot be frozen in this time anymore for the sake of my child but the reminders are constant. I'm not sure what recovery really looks like from this as it seems things I remember just keep getting worse. This isn't my only childhood trauma.  I really don't want to make this post long, I feel bad. But it involves my mother as she ultimately had a hand in everything here. I'm willing to answer any questions and can go more in depth to make more sense. Basically I had 2 horrific events, both ongoing, when I was a small child and when I was a teenager. Its the teenager one that's messing with me the most right now. Thanks for reading this much  :wave:



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Re: Never done this before so *possible trigger warning*
« Reply #1 on: June 14, 2021, 06:45:10 AM »
Hi Chromedy,

I'm sorry to hear you are currently struggling with a pretty raw trauma. You'll find lots of support and experiences that will resonate with you here. You may want to start a recovery journal, too.

I didn't have long ongoing sexual grooming by teachers but did experience a lot of attempts at grooming, inappropriate behaviors, and some pretty significant negligence in protecting me from predators during school functions. I'm sorry that you were abused for so long and the slow insidious grooming sounds especially challenging to wrap your head around and I am glad to hear you are starting to do that, to heal, even though at the moment it is painful and disruptive.

You never need to feel bad about how much or little you post here. Welcome, I look forward to getting to know you.



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Re: Never done this before so *possible trigger warning*
« Reply #2 on: June 14, 2021, 09:53:53 AM »
Welcome to the forum Chromedy  :heythere:

It's a really supportive place here. You never have to write more than you feel comfortable with, even if it may not make sense to everybody or you think it might not.

I wasn't sexually groomed (as far as I know) but there was CSA in my home life. You could say my mother "had a hand in everything" too.

A lot of what was done to me throughout childhood and adolescence seemed subtle, especially since for a long time therapists seemed to have trouble understanding why I'm traumatised. otoh other patients I met in group therapy and inpatient therapy used to say "that doesn't sound subtle at all". That may be your case too. I get a lot of validation here on the forum that it really was that bad and I'm sure you will too.

If some websites count what happened to you as SA then it undoubtedly was SA because SA can take many different forms.

I'm sorry you had such terrible experiences that they ruined your life so far. The good news is that some recovery is possible. I see and read it on the forum all the time and experience it in my own ongoing recovery.

I hope to see you around the forum :wave: Sorry my posts always get really long.



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Re: Never done this before so *possible trigger warning*
« Reply #3 on: June 14, 2021, 12:44:39 PM »
Hi, Chromedy  :heythere:. Sad to hear of your bacground, but glad you're trying to make a go of what's left, and especially that you made it here. Hopefully you'll find here the support, encouragement, and validation you need.

Much of what falls under the label of cptsd is sneaky, while other parts of what happened are depressingly obvious -- mine were of both sorts. There seems to be many layers to 'grooming' scenarios that people use to take advantage of others.
I know in my own case I was groomed, often quite subtly, for harmful situations. I used to feel  guilty that I fell into so many traps; but now I realize I was only desperate for someone/anyone I could trust and where love could be real. 

Even though details might differ, being on this forum has pointed me towards ways that can lead towards life beyond mere survival. I hope this is what will happen with your life as well, Chromedy.


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Re: Never done this before so *possible trigger warning*
« Reply #4 on: June 14, 2021, 01:01:59 PM »
Welcome, Chromedy.  :heythere:

Your post was not too long. Thank you for taking the risk and introducing yourself.

I have found the people on OOTS to be very supportive. I understand feeling alone and isolated. You are not alone. There are people here who care. Some will understand because of similar experiences and some will be empathetic because they are in touch with their own feelings.