First Post and Working Through

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First Post and Working Through
« on: June 15, 2021, 04:41:08 AM »
Hello!  I am a frequent poster on OOTF and in working with my therapist, I have come to realize that much of my trauma began in childhood.  I came to OOTF out of a relationship with my OCPDxh - 32 years of marriage with prolonged emotional and financial abuse as well as physical intimidation.  Prior to that a sexual assault in college.  Then the repeated and constant beatings by my older brother as a child - and my parents looking the other way.  I began about ten years ago to have daily non-epileptic seizures and bouts of aphasia.  I was diagnosed with PTSD and began working with a trauma therapist using EMDR.  The effect was immediate and the seizures stopped.  I left my ex-husband and now am struggling with the aftermath.

The effect of my parents (struggling with this) neglect - with phrases like "don't be dramatic, it's not that bad, children should be silent, respect your elders" and then the look you get when they think you are lying.  My brother and my younger NPDsister specialized in gaslighting and tag teamed me through my childhood.  My other two siblings were off the hook as they were viewed as too weak to torment.  While I was open season.  No wonder I married a person who love bombed me and then almost immediately began to gaslight me when I pushed back on his insane rules.  But then my father raged when things didn't go his way and as they said, I was not really suited for anything but life as a wife.  I thought that was what marriage and men were. 

I am now considering that this is generational trauma?  In the era of being a little woman.  And I am fretting because it is how I raised my children.  Three lovely kids who are forging their way in the world now with a childhood of those same phrases and my tiptoeing on eggshells daily.

When I talked about cPTSD before to my therapist - who can't really change the diagnosis of my psychiatrist - she says she is hesitant because it's not in the DSM.  My psychiatrist is like well yes, he sees it but again, not DSM.  I had hesitated in the past to label myself this way because I didn't see the torment by my siblings as trauma.  Didn't all kids get socked in the stomach by their big brother when they refused to take his turn in washing dishes?

So now in the aftermath of the divorce where my DDs are refusing to accept that I was abused but they do accept the PTSD - they were there when the neuropsychiatrist delivered that one - they have sided with their father and don't want their childhood memories tampered with.  ANd I am reading more and more on this and beginning to see that I need help with my emotional regulation and reconciling with that kid who didn't really grow up - yet - at the age of 56.



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Re: First Post and Working Through
« Reply #1 on: June 15, 2021, 07:34:51 AM »
WhatTheHey, hello and welcome.

I am very sorry to read about everything you have been through. Your history is uncannily similar to mine. Childhood neglect and abuse, followed by marriage to a very difficult husband. Emotionally and financially controlling, who believed that every one has the right to do what they want, and if someone else is unhappy, then that's their problem.

He put this into words when he decided on a divorce, after 30 years of miserable marriage. He also told our children, in their twenties, that they are his children now and I was in no way connected to them any more.

It sounds like we are in a similar place with regards to adult children. All three fell into line with him immediately. One son hasn't spoken to me  since. That's well over two years. Daughter has recently gone no contact.

Husband developed a brain tumour and died. I was pretty much left to care for him and he was vile. Daughters nc is because I did not treat him well enough when he was ill.

I am so sorry for pouring out my story.

I read yours and the similarities just hit me and I think that you have a strong point when you call this whole mess a generational trauma. Not to mention the role of society. I too was brought up to believe that I was so rubbish that being a wife was all I was fit for. So I married a very unusual man, gave my life to my children, who cannot accept that I am a happier, and vastly mentally healthier person without him.

I hope that you can find the emotional peace you deserve, and reconcile with the poor child who should have been loved.