Breakthrough recovery notes

[jamesG.1]

Some major shifts in my recovery of late, which I'm still digesting, but significant things.

I've been generally shifting in my perception, less traumatised and triggered and less obsessive in my thoughts. This has been driven by my use of stoical thinking and the general improvement in my financial and domestic security as I clean up the fallout after the bad years. A stable job, new, kinder people in my life, distance from the events in question, time healing.

But a big, BIG, part has been my exposure to stoical philosophy.

Most recently, I've been listening to audiobooks by Derren Brown, specifically "Happy" and his Bootcamp for the brain podcasts, both on audible. The section in Happy on hurt and anger is just the best thing I've ever heard on the management of one's emotions in pursuit of a calm and normal life. I cannot reccomomend this book enough. Don't be put off by the historical build up at the start, which can feel a bit slow, hang on and let the common sense sweep over you.

Essentially, stoical thinking hinges totally on the fact that though we can't control everything in life, we CAN control how we emotionally deal with things. We know this, because tow people may react completely differently to the same stimuli, lockdown for instance, and we ourselves may react very differently to things whether we are hungry, tired or in possession of good news. The trick is to learn how to control these feelings. It's like the difference between being on a train, a car, or even walking. On a train we step into a carriage and there is no deviation, we are bound to the rails no matter what we want. On a car, we can deviate more, but only where there are roads and then with walking, we have the most freedom of all. The journey is our emotional, the choice of which means of travel is our choice.

Stoicism looks to limit the emotional impact of life by deciding not to let those things that cannot be controlled from hurting us by switching off their effect. The past is such an influence. It seeks to make the present it's extension. I really get this now. The past is none of my business.

The thing that makes this hard, is the judgement of others. Not just our abusers, but the others in our lives who have watched our stories with detachment, disgust and even amusement. Society encourages this kind of judgement, a kind of moral police state set up to weed out the weak vulnerable and sensitive for entertainment, look at reality TV. Well... who cares?

Really, who cares? JUdgement like that is meaningless, but olny if you want it to be.

Personally, I seemed awash with this kind of judgemental clacking all my life. British society is dreadful for it. Gossiping, class-driven, socially climbing up, anti-establishment pointing down, protestant work ethic, the tyranny of cool, a million little trip wires designed to unhinge your childhood and beyond.

These things go so deep.

But it was the culmination of my trauma with my family and partner that really brought it out for me, shining a very bright light on a very dark seam in the way we are with each other.

The vulnerability and pain I went through with my partner, far from eliciting support and understanding, seemed instead to just provoke a wave of gossipy, casual judgement that increased my suffering exponentially. As I passed from a reasonably happy and confident guy into this stressed and panicked individual, terrified by the sight of my life being torn apart in slow motion, the reaction of far too many people on the sidelines was a sort of weary amusement.

I'm sure I was a gift. I tried to be as honest and open as I could be, thinking that my transparency would gain some of the moral support I so desperately needed, but I got nothing but this judgement.

I've deliberated long on hard on this as a phenomena, trying to make sense of it in as objective terms as possible. But deep down I was, until very recently, hoping that some of these people might finally come good and say something, anything, no matter how small, to put me out of my misery. I now see that social media was a place of torment, and that I was soliciting validation. I was starving for it. I'd experienced this terrible trauma and been through so much, and I was hoping that the people I considered important would reach out, say something... anything, that would take my pain away.

It's wrong. They won't. And more importantly, I shouldn't want them to. It's not enough to just say that, I have to mean it, to understand that on a very deep level.

I don't need anyone's green light to feel better. I don't need anyone's permission or understanding to allow me to move on. It's my power, and it's my right to wield it.

That's the point really. That's the whole point.

You are not selfish, mean, emotionally detached or cruel to protect yourself and move on, you are being human. Most of these people don't even care, and never have, so why do we care about them and what they think? We were in the storm, they weren't, and if their judgement keeps that storm going, then it is up to us to turn off those judgments and the hurt they cause, or we think that they cause, in our own minds.

I'm still digesting all this, but it's vital stuff I think.

[Rainydaze]

Hi James. 

I'm glad that you're noticing a shift in your perception, it sounds like you're really moving in the right direction. I think the side effects of trauma can often leave us open to intense rumination on the past, which can cause us to overlook the control that we can have on our circumstances in the present. It can lead us to eternity thinking, believing that we will always be stuck with intense, negative feelings when in reality the way we choose to approach our healing is the number one thing that we can have control over in the present day. You can't stop thoughts from occuring, but you can choose how much importance you place upon them and whether or not to believe them.

I think it can help too to distinguish between which negative feelings are being caused by past trauma and which are being caused by present day situational dissatisfaction, in order to then be able to take the correct approach to feel better. Emotion from trauma and emotional flashbacks can be approached with self-care and appropriate grieving, whereas situational discomfort (relationships, work, living arrangements, etc.) can be approached with practicality, planning and action. Personally it's taken me a long time to differentiate between the two and to begin to develop a similar attitude to the stoical thinking that you describe. It's not always easy and the approaches can get muddied, particularly if going through an emotional flashback.

The Derren Brown audiobooks sound very helpful. I believe there's a lot of positive guidance to be gained regarding neuroplasticity and healthy approaches to thinking via that route. Audiobooks, podcasts and videos are a great way for the brain to receive repeated, positive reinforcement of healthier thinking patterns. Eckhart Tolle is a firm favourite for me at the moment, he has many talks on YouTube about remaining present and recognising the ego which are endlessly comforting and helpful.

The thing that makes this hard, is the judgement of others. Not just our abusers, but the others in our lives who have watched our stories with detachment, disgust and even amusement. Society encourages this kind of judgement, a kind of moral police state set up to weed out the weak vulnerable and sensitive for entertainment, look at reality TV. Well... who cares?

Really, who cares? JUdgement like that is meaningless, but olny if you want it to be.

Personally, I seemed awash with this kind of judgemental clacking all my life. British society is dreadful for it. Gossiping, class-driven, socially climbing up, anti-establishment pointing down, protestant work ethic, the tyranny of cool, a million little trip wires designed to unhinge your childhood and beyond.

Yes, I entirely agree. I think the culture we have in the UK of judging other people's business and gossiping is awful and shaming. People can be so black and white in their thinking and unfair when judging other people's circumstances, usually very quickly and without taking the time to think through both sides with any kind of empathy. We have a real hero vs villain obsession in UK society too I believe, which is perpetuated by our awful tabloid media. It takes a while to deprogram yourself from it and to realise how toxic it is. Sometimes I get stuck on being irritated by people blindly following this attitude, then remember that I mostly have a choice in what media I consume and who I choose to surround myself with. The radio gets switched off as soon as the news begins because I don't need my day to be interrupted by 5 minutes of fear and despair. Now I've stopped listening it seems really weird to me that interjecting endless negativity like that into someone's day every hour is even a thing that's socially acceptable. You would think that to keep a population mentally healthy and stable that there should at least be a balance of both negative headlines and positive. I guess that's the idea behind it though, it keeps everyone either a little bit fearful or otherwise just desensitised to it, neither of which are healthy for the individual.  But I digress!

You are not selfish, mean, emotionally detached or cruel to protect yourself and move on, you are being human. Most of these people don't even care, and never have, so why do we care about them and what they think? We were in the storm, they weren't, and if their judgement keeps that storm going, then it is up to us to turn off those judgments and the hurt they cause, or we think that they cause, in our own minds.

Absolutely. People judge based on their perception of your reality and that in turn is influenced by their own set of circumstances and experiences. Someone who has had a stable, largely content upbringing is highly unlikely to understand what a person with C-PTSD has been through, and it's unrealistic to expect them to. Not many people have the emotional intelligence to really try either, unless you have a deep connection to them and they're invested in you. My own husband only ever really scratched the surface of seeing what I had been through when I completely broke down emotionally a few years ago and could no longer function: actions (or reactions) can speak so much louder than words. I try not to pay random people's opinions too much mind nowadays, nor even share my past with them in the first place. I think it gets easier to have boundaries in that respect as you start to validate your own experiences more; you rely less on trying to gain validation from other people.

I agree, it is vital stuff. Good for you for working through it all and persevering. 

[jamesG.1]

well we are on the same page with this, that's for sure.

My brother, my primary narcissist, is like being related to a tabloid newspaper. You constantly feel that you have to maintain impossibly high standards of morality and self-discipline to avoid the finger and pointing that would blend in very well with the News of the World" mentality. I actually worked for a regional paper for a while and there was a woman there who did the 'look good feeling great' column. She herself was an alcoholic who's desk was more of a drinks cabinet and she chain-smoked endlessly, its just the same in our relationship - one standard for me, one for my victims.

I'm finally letting these influences go and its a weight off the shoulders. They have no power, we just think they have. For two long I felt the weight of lazy judgement, from people who'd have buckled in seconds from the sort of strain I took for 7 years. They are no loss to let go. Let them go.