Friendship troubles with bdp traits

Boatsetsailrose · March 17, 2021, 01:22:46 PM

Hi all
Haven't posted for a while thanks for being here ..
A friend of 7 yrs has been significantly mentally unstable this past 2 yrs it's been difficult with her and I feel I've reached my limit .
A private psych said to her he thinks she has bpd . She already has cptsd diagnosis as do I and untreated sexual abuse from f ...

I've been seeing more a more manipulative behaviour , chaotic and pushing pulling behaviour , backtracking and contradicting self , huge emotional fall out from loss / abandonment stuff and suicidal expressions . We are both in 12 step programmes and I know she is going from person to person with her stuff and people telling her she needs outside support ...
I can also see a lot of her giving to me is to do with her clinging and am seeing more and more her lack of empathy ..
I am unwell physically with chronic health and she called me out recently saying I'm not listening to her like her other friends ... ( Not so long ago she said I was the friend she could speak to the most ) ...I said to her have I not been there the last 2 yrs supporting -- she didn't answer ..
Today I've put a boundary in and said I can't have contact unless she gets MH support ...this I was able to do with someone else's support to me ..
She said she is seeking cptsd support but i can't see this being enough ...anyway that's her bag and responsibility ..

For me I didn't see how unwell she was until this last 2 yrs ...
Before that she was reasonably stable and we had a good friendship .
She has been my closet friend..

I'm just kicking myself how did I choose someone with bpd after all the therapy and work I've done on myself I feel a failure ...
But I know I'm still healing and I did enter the friendship a long time ago
I don't know at this point if this friendship .can or should continue ...
I'd Def have to have a frank conversation with her , call some things out and put some boundaries in ....but that's for the future and maybe for our sister forum .

Thing is I can't trust who I pick as friends even now cause I know I gravitate towards people with issues just like I have issues ...

I lost another long term friend last yr after seeing her dysfunction more clearly ..

I'm doomed

Lonely and doomed errr I have CFS and am pretty housebound so it's not like I'm getting opportunity to be out in society and mixing ..

I do have support in my community from other people I know friends who are more on the wider network if u see what I mean ...
People fr 12 step , gardens where I volunteered , church etc ...
I feel blessed for that ..

This will be the first time in my life I won't have anyone close close to me ...and I'm at my most vunerable due to housebound ...
It's scarey

All experience and help appreciated

Thank u !

Kizzie · March 17, 2021, 02:30:35 PM

Sorry you have had to let go of another close friend Boats

FWIW I think doing so may actually mean you can trust yourself more to pick healthier friends because you know what doesn't work as far as friendships go now.

Could you try and establish closer friendships with those you already know in the volunteer gardening you do and/or church?

Not Alone · March 17, 2021, 09:41:13 PM

I hear this is painful and scary. I proud of you for putting up a clear boundary.

Blueberry · March 17, 2021, 09:48:06 PM

Quote from: Kizzie on March 17, 2021, 02:30:35 PM
Sorry you have had to let go of another close friend Boats FWIW I think doing so may actually mean you can trust yourself more to pick healthier friends because you know what doesn't work as far as friendships go now.

on the boundary and that you got support to set it

I've just been going through a tough few weeks due to a friendship issue myself (in my latest Journal and a little on Recovery Letters), so may I pass a little OOTS care and support on to you? As a few mbrs said to me: please be gentle with yourself

Those voices saying you've failed or you're doomed

Not true! Really. It sounds painful what you're going through but it's growth, it's recovery. For myself atm I find it's opening me up and my time, my energy up for potential contact with others in the future. It might work that way for you too because I've read on OOTF about that happening.

Boatsetsailrose · March 18, 2021, 10:27:14 AM

Thanks blueberry for your reply ..
Yes important not to beat self up ..

Boatsetsailrose · March 18, 2021, 10:29:15 AM

Thanks not alone yes feels good to put boundary in ..
It is a pattern with me ..I take take take and then bam the line is crossed ..
It felt a final straw when she said ' I don't feel you've been listening to me like my other friends ! * 2 yrs of being there and bloody listening ...
Well I'm not listening now !

Boatsetsailrose · March 18, 2021, 10:33:22 AM

Thanks kizzie
Thing is I really can't trust myself with whom I am drawn too ... It's as if the person I want to speak to in the room is the v person I shouldn't ....maybe that's my guide !
All I know at present is to focus on my own recovery and health ... And what's showing up is self care is top priority.

Thank u yep , I'm pretty much housebound with the m.e / CFS and we are on lockdown in UK but I'm grateful for garden and church pals and I'm attending to those relationships the best I can ..
Hope u doing ok it's nice to be back here safe place with others who understand

Kizzie · March 19, 2021, 03:53:38 PM

Alder · March 21, 2021, 02:54:15 PM

Just adding support. It's so, so hard to put up a boundary with a friend and put your own needs first, especially when there's no one else you're close to. Echoing what Kizzie said about trusting yourself to choose healthier friends -- they are out there.

CreativeCat · April 05, 2021, 06:48:40 PM

I just wanted to reach out too. I really hear and feel your pain and loneliness. It feels like an ongoing battle sometimes doesn't it? I've just posted something similar to your experience in the post above yours.

Firstly I would agree with everyone else who is posted - be kind to yourself and practice as much self compassion as you can. Thank about what you would say to someone else in your position. This is not your fault and all you can do is try to be authentic and communicate your boundaries.

Im a big believer that communicating healthy boundaries in a kind way can help other people on their journey too (even if you don't see the benefit immediately). If your friend looses you as a result of negative behaviour this may be another piece in the puzzle that helps her to make changes further down the line. I guess that doesn't necessarily help you right now but just keep doing what you're doing, communicate your boundaries and realise there is nothing wrong with you- we're all just learning. I do so relate to the feelings of shame you seem to be experiencing.

It sounds like you're already feeling so much healthier than you were when you met this person but maybe by having such an intense relationship with this person you've had less time to develop others. By saying no to some of these patterns and interactions hopefully you'll be more free to develop some other (healthier) relationships.

Just by writing this to you it has helped me so much! I couldn't quite say this to myself because I couldn't see through my own shame.

I've found Brene Brown's books and podcasts on belonging and shame so helpful. And also the book 'safe people' which is written by two Christian psychotherapists and fits well with christian teachings (although it by no means a Christian only book!)

Wishing you light and love.