intensive therapy program

[soalone]

My psychiatrist is very worried about my current depression, and is pressuring me to go away to a 3 month, intensive program, and then go to a daily outpatient program. I know I need help, and once a week with a therapist isn't enough.
My family doesn't even  know that I have any mental / emotional issues (Im a GREAT actress!), and for numerous reasons, they mustn't  find out. I also have a job and cant just take off for months.

Im feeling trapped. 

[Jazzy]

Yikes, this is a very difficult spot to be in.  if it is good for you.

I hear that you need more help than you are getting. That is a very important acknowledgement. Please take action to find the help you need to keep going. There are a lot of other options besides this program, if that is not the method you choose. If you don't know what options you have, please ask someone who can tell you. Your psychiatrist should at very least be able to connect you with some other community resources that are less intensive.

About this program, it's interesting, because at various times throughout this last week I've been thinking about how I wished someone had forced me to go to some sort of program like that for my own good, so I could have learned and healed a lot sooner, before so much more damage was done in my life. It's a great opportunity for you, if you can make it happen.

On the other hand, I understand there are practical concerns, like finances. I also believe that a person can't really heal properly until they are ready to embrace it, and put the work in. I suspect that even if someone had forced me in to a program like this, it wouldn't have had the same the results.

I get it that you're worried about your family finding out. That was such an overwhelming concern of mine in the past, and it stood in my way from getting the help I needed for a long time. Even though I felt so strongly about it, in the end, it was far more important for me to get better. Now it doesn't bother me nearly so much.

Whatever you decide, I hope you choose what is best for you to get better. Depression is a nasty beast, that really distorts our thinking. There's always an option though, even if it may seem like there is none. We just have to do our best and keep going.

All the best!

[soalone]

Hi Jazzy:)

Thank you for your response! I only saw it now.

Your acknowledgement and  understanding it appreciated!
It is complicated. On one hand, this intense 'away' program sounds exactly what I  need. I know Im reaching a point of 'do or die'.
I just cant seem to get past the very real and problematic 'other hand'.  I have 'smiling depression' - other than my doctor and best friend, no one else knows. I am high functioning and a great actress. No one even knows that Ive ever  gone to therapy; least of all my husband of 35 years (who has Asperger).
Letting anyone know, would mean the whole card house crashing. It could also seriously affect the health of my 90 year old parents ( who have BPD and NPS)
Thanks for the support . Its a lonely journey

[Kizzie]

So many of us here keep our masks in place, both for ourselves so we don't know how depressed or afraid we really are, and others so no-one sees/triggers any of that  (she says raising her hand).

Some thoughts FWIW. I think the most important thing in terms of making a decision is that you know you are wearing a mask, that's it's slipping and getting to a do or die point for you.

It may feel like the whole house of cards is going to crash down, but perhaps the reality is you will end up being able to build a lovely, strong house that won't fall apart, where you'll be genuinely safe and can be more yourself.  If the people in your life have to shift, it's possible it will be a positive change in the end where they know you better, more honestly (which in turn allows others to be more themselves). 

This is what I'm hanging onto as my family and I go through a huge shift at the moment; that is, we will come out the other side better off.

[soalone]

"It may feel like the whole house of cards is going to crash down, but perhaps the reality is you will end up being able to build a lovely, strong house that won't fall apart, where you'll be genuinely safe and can be more yourself.  If the people in your life have to shift, it's possible it will be a positive change in the end where they know you better, more honestly (which in turn allows others to be more themselves)."

You speak wisely, Kizzie. There is a part of me, deep inside, that really wants to believe this. But Im to scared that the risk outweighs the possible gain. Im not a gambler by nature, and yet this is the riskiest gamble I could imagine. I could win. Or I could lose everything. Including my life.

I hope that you and your family grow and flourish with whatever it is that you are currently facing. Hang in there!

[Kizzie]

I hear you soalone    

[Blueberry]

I think the most important thing in terms of making a decision is that you know you are wearing a mask, that's it's slipping and getting to a do or die point for you.

It may feel like the whole house of cards is going to crash down, but perhaps the reality is you will end up being able to build a lovely, strong house that won't fall apart, where you'll be genuinely safe and can be more yourself.  If the people in your life have to shift, it's possible it will be a positive change in the end where they know you better, more honestly (which in turn allows others to be more themselves). 

I second this. I've done a lot of inpatient intensive therapy myself over the years.
I would add also that even if the house of cards does come crashing down, you will be able to re-build one in which you can be safe and be more yourself, one that is shaped to fit you and those who are willing to change bit by bit for and with you. Or at least those who are willing to listen.
Still it is your decision and only yours. Standing with you however you decide.

[Kizzie]