Helping my inner teen come out?

[WhiteNoise]

I think I have two distinct younger selves. The one I see the most is my inner little kid, she's probably about six and a generally very happy-go-lucky girl, probably because she's from before my trauma. I really enjoy being her and being with her, and I've invested in a bunch of calico critters and their playsets to re-visit what brought me the most joy during that time: playing pretend. I don't think I really need inner child work for her, she feels protected by her our mom, and I think by me as well.

However, my inner teen is much more reticent. I'm not sure if she's just much more intertwined with my current self, or if it's something else, but I want to help her more.  I'm just really not sure how. I often daydream about going back in time with my current college knowlege, so that teenage-me could focus on having fun. Maybe part of me still thinks if I'd been even smarter, I'd be more valued, but I know that isn't accurate. People being cruel is outside of my control.

When I try to engage my inner teen in the same way I do with my inner child however, it just kind of falls flat. Inner child, who I'll be calling Jessie for convenience sake, is enthusiastic about playing again, about getting to stretch her legs. My inner teen doesn't want any of that, no video games, no magazines. I want to give her comfort, but I don't know how...

Any advice/ideas?

[rainydiary]

I also notice similar things when attempting to engage with my inner teen.  I am still navigating this too but if it is ok I would like to think out loud.

Right now I work full time with high school aged students.  I was really hesitant to take this job at first which I think was related to my inner teen - she didn't want me to face myself as a teenager.  But also, little kids are so different and love you in a different way. 

The more I work with this age, the more I see that teenagers get a bad rap.  Adolescence is a time of tremendous growth in our lives.  I am learning that teenagers both want to try on their own but also know they are supported.  I am coming to see it is a bridge between being driven by others and being driven by self. 

Teenagers are moody and complex and engage differently than younger children.  I think they want people to be real with them and trust them and let them go...even though they aren't quite ready yet.  Also, their bodies are changing so much that I imagine they feel really disoriented. 

I have found it so powerful to say to the teenagers I work with, "I feel so lucky to know you and work with you.  Your experience matters.  I hope you know what a cool person you are." 

I think teenagers need time to warm up and to feel safe.  I also think they have dreams that maybe aren't spoken aloud. 

I also want to engage with my inner teen more and it does feel painful in a way that my inner child doesn't.  As I write this I wonder if I use patience and talk about what I dreamed about with myself.  I think my inner teen needs to feel safety that wasn't present. 

[WhiteNoise]

Thanks for your input! Hearing (err, reading?) your thoughts out loud is honestly very helpful.

I wonder if my inner teen doesn't respond like my inner child because she didn't really do normal teenage things... I basically became an adult at age 11, with very little outside assistance. Maybe she doesn't want normal teenage things, or just hasn't experienced enough to know if she likes it or not.

Also, thinking out loud myself, I think she's much, much angrier than I am capable of handling right now.  I have huge difficulty feeling anger, and if she came to the forefront, I'm not sure if her anger would peter out, or if I'd just... snap?  Maybe she's waiting until I can get angry with her.

[rainydiary]

I love what you bring up here. 

[WhiteNoise]

I've been thinking more and more about this, and I definitely think that my inner teen holds pretty much all my anger, and that's why connecting with her is so difficult. She's absolutely furious. And she has the right to be!  So much happened to her that wasn't okay.

However, since adult me has great difficulty feeling anger, it's difficult for us to connect.  I'm still very attached to the image of being well-behaved and 'good,' and it causes me a lot of stress and conflict to act out, even when I need it. I probably can't rush in to connecting with my inner teen, because I'll do myself more harm than good... I don't even know how to lash out!