In Law Woes

[rainydiary]

I notice the desire to get some thoughts out of my head so I can enjoy my time off work. 

Today my husband made an offhand comment about how we have two trips planned to visit a town we enjoy going to.  One of those two trips I assume meant one with his parents and siblings.  He mentioned to me months ago that this might happen but I hadn't heard any updates until today. 

I would say we are getting better at addressing each other's concerns.  The topic came up naturally and I asked him if they are coming.  He said yes and starting naming dates.  Well my work schedule has changed and I am not free to be on this visit.  I expressed that I had not been asked about the dates and need to work. 

Based on past experience, I imagine:

1) my in-laws will give my husband a hard time that I am not there despite the fact they never spoke to me directly about it (and my husband didn't check either)

2) their entire trip will be one giant fight which I am not sorry to miss

3) my husband will be especially rude to me after they leave because they will spend time winding him up about how I don't behave in a way they deem to be correct

4) my husband will do what they want no matter how unreasonable (which may include paying for things that I don't think he should pay for) because "family"

5) if I talk to anyone in my current support system, they will tell me I should put my feelings aside and show up to visit with them (not acknowledging that the narcissistic behavior of my in-laws is toxic and makes me unwell)

I think my husband and I are ok right now but this is only the start.  His parents are now retired and since their family is enmeshed with my husband as the golden child, I don't see how things aren't going to start getting super frustrating.  We've not really had to deal with that given the pandemic...but that isn't going to last. 

I do not understand why I need to force myself to spend time with people that have not treated me well.  My parents in law do not treat my husband and his siblings well either but given my distance from the situation, I can see right through their stuff.  I think that is some of the reason they are especially nasty to me.  They will play the "poor us" card and paint me a villain...when, I've spent enough of my life being emotionally and psychologically abused by people that I don't need it anymore.

The part that is hardest for me is my husband.  He has come a long way but has still been trained his whole life that "family is everything" (despite how nasty his family is to one another).  I still feel deep down that if it came down to it, he would prioritize them over me.  In his eyes, we aren't a family. 

I don't want to spend the next few months agonizing over their arrival.  I also don't feel guilty for not seeing them.  I do feel conflicted in the problems it causes in my marriage that I haven't figured out how to manage. 

[Bermuda]

I can feel your pain. I have been dealing with a similar in-law situation. It can be really trying and add unnecessary strain.

I find the balance between being respectful of others and being respectful of myself very difficult. With my in-laws, I don't spend time with them at all. I feel they had their chance and I did try my best, but they did not. Now, I don't see them willfully, but I am not spiteful either, and when I must show my face for the sake of family, I withdraw. I always have somewhere else I can go when it gets too much. They can sit at the dining table for hours talking, but I will not. I will be there 20 minutes, and then I will go to lay down. They know about my autoimmune issues and cPTSD, but they will still say I am lazy and ask what is wrong with me repeatedly... Now, several years into this, this is our normal.

We can't control or change others. They may choose to dislike us, even before meeting us. They may choose to be unkind and hurtful, but this is not our shame. This is their shame. It's their vulnerability and their insecurities forced onto us. You likely are an amazing person, and sometimes putting yourself first IS putting your family first. I recommend creating a safe space for yourself whenever and whereever you can, without pardon. 

[rainydiary]

Bermuda, I appreciate your thoughts and the encouragement to create my own safe space.   

I think it will be an ongoing process as I grow.  I notice that I am the one that has changed - despite all the stuff my in-laws went through in the past year and a half, they remain as they were.  Because I see the world and myself differently now, I am more willing to put my needs first in this situation.  My husband is caught - I do think he is changing too.  However the years and years and years of conditioning that he has endured are a lot to overcome especially if that isn't his choice or priority. 

I think some of what hurts me is how my husband doesn't see or use me as an ally.  I suppose I haven't always acted that way - his family triggered the heck out of me for years and I didn't understand why.  But I also didn't understand why my husband would sit there and tolerate the things his family does to him and to others.  His way of coping is to be avoidant and I honestly can't blame him for that.  I want him to see what is there and establish even firmer boundaries.  Yet that isn't my choice and it does upset me because his choices impact me (just as mine impact him). 

[Bermuda]

That is so much for me to process. I don't think I am quite as far along on my journey as you are in this area. It's really positive that you understand how your behaviours may impact eachother and that you are trying to work cooperatively. It is hard, as most of us know, to come to terms with our upbringings. Even those with not so traumatic upbringings, it's hard to call things wrong, to name a problem... And then the next step, to act and address it. I can imagine this may be especially true if you are the golden child. Everyone wants to be loved and appreciated by their parents and to maintain or excede the normative level of adoration. His not being there yet may come across as him not being your ally. It takes a lot of courage, and you did say you think he is changing too. Maybe it's just me projecting, but it sounds like you both are on the same path but maybe just traveling at different speeds. It's great that you two are communicating your needs to each other even if you are not able to meet each others needs in their entirety.

[rainydiary]

Bermuda, I feel how complicated this is.  I don't have it together at all when it comes to this.  My current go to is to avoid, avoid, avoid.  I don't think that is always bad.  I don't have to put myself in the path of their abuse (as I have been a target).  But I notice the strain it puts on my marriage. 

This is still weighing on me and I wanted to share an update in my thinking. 

I notice my thoughts constantly going ahead to May when I will have to endure this visit from my in-laws.  I am realizing that I am already defensive and a lot of my feelings are attempts at self-protection. 

Something that makes me very sad with my in-laws is that my individuality is not accepted.  They have tried (and failed) to get me to fall in line so they go through my husband.  He is put in a difficult position and I imagine he dreads their visits as much as I do for his own reasons.  But I can't stand being around them because the abuse is so overt and my personhood is denied. 

Some of my self-defense is to not talk to my husband at all about his family.  It only leads to fights or shut downs.  But I am wondering if my tendency to avoid or to expect him to see things my way pushes him more toward them.  He is aware of my CPTSD (not sure how much he understands) but I haven't shared with him how his family triggers me.  I also think I would say it too bluntly (such as "you're family is abusive") which would do more harm than good. 

I am working to figure out how I can have a conversation with my husband about a plan for their visit that works for me and him.  Right now my work and personal schedule make their visit to extremely inconvenient.  And yet, when I don't make an appearance his mom especially torments my husband about it.  If I find a way to show up and do one stupid thing with them, perhaps it will help?

[Kizzie]

I went through much the same thing with my in-laws rainydiary although my H wasn't the GC so that eased the pressure they put on him somewhat. I got to a place where I couldn't be around them anymore and had to set a boundary with my H that I wasn't going to be around his family.  Fortunately he was aware of their NPD and we lived away from them so it was not a big issue between us.  He eventually stopped seeing/talking with them too.

Maybe you can sit down and explain the problem to your H and set that boundary?  It doesn't necessarily have to be confrontational, it can be with love and care for his feelings (e.g., you understand he wants to see them and you will not interfere with that or put them down), and vice versa.  If you have Pete Walker's book "CPTSD: From Surviving to Thriving"
on pages 321 to 323 he has a section about lovingly resolving conflict you might find useful.

Similarly, your H can support you and set a boundary with his family that you have chosen not to be involved with them and he does not want to hear anything negative about you, answer for you or be put in the middle.

It's not easy I know but oh such a relief to know you don't have to figure out ways to survive around family with NPD , to have to honour family who don't honour you.