Trigger warning- physical child abuse

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Jenny Blount

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Trigger warning- physical child abuse
« on: March 25, 2021, 04:57:44 PM »
My mother physically abused me as a baby and as an infant (early 1960ís)
My parentís marriage, following her pregnancy, was strained and very unhappy. My mother explained to me (in my thirties) that she had to hit me to make me cry so that Iíd go to sleep

Several years ago I tackled her on this shortly before she died. I asked her why sheíd hit me and she said, Ďit seemed to work.í

She said (by way of compensation) that I didnít go without my cuddles; she used to hold me, once sheíd hit me, Ďuntil I went limpí.

Cut to 58 years later and I canít find the root cause for my ptsd, which is triggered by noise. Until this morning, when I had my third session of EDMR.

I realised that my terror of noise was because it was the pre-cursor to getting hit, or the sound of actually being hit. After I was hit I was restrained, trapped, held, smothered, until I stopped struggling. I learnt I could not avoid hurt and that only surrender worked

The psychological damage she did was appalling.

She remained a child for the rest of her life. I was her parent right up until she died.




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Kizzie

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Re: Trigger warning- physical child abuse
« Reply #1 on: March 26, 2021, 04:30:46 PM »
I'm so sorry for what you went through Jenny, of course she didn't have to hit you to make you go to sleep. It's an added layer of betrayal when children have to parent an abusive/neglectful parent. My M would cry after she spanked/slapped us and then my B and I would end up comforting her (she has NPD).

The last time I did EMDR it helped me to defuel certain triggers a lot and I hope it helps you in this way too.  :hug:

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Jenny Blount

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Re: Trigger warning- physical child abuse
« Reply #2 on: March 26, 2021, 05:47:22 PM »
Thank you Kizzie!
I think I have a very good therapist; only three sessions in but I have faith it will ease my symptoms.


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Kizzie

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Re: Trigger warning- physical child abuse
« Reply #3 on: March 27, 2021, 02:30:58 PM »
I hope so Jenny - let us know how it goes if you don't mind.

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Jenny Blount

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Re: Trigger warning- physical child abuse
« Reply #4 on: March 27, 2021, 04:44:34 PM »
So far so good, some interesting insights and odd dreams and memories cropping up that are all connected. Genuine new perspective and deeper understanding and appreciation of not just THAT the damage happened but HOW it happened.
Iíve had so much talking therapy but this really feels as though itís shifting things about in my brain in a good, and long overdue, way.

......long ways to go, but Iím hopeful
Thanks

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Kizzie

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Re: Trigger warning- physical child abuse
« Reply #5 on: March 28, 2021, 04:42:02 PM »
 :thumbup:      :grouphug:

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Alter-eg0

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Re: Trigger warning- physical child abuse
« Reply #6 on: April 02, 2021, 04:15:28 PM »
That's awful, Jenny. I'm sorry you had to go through that.
Very glad to hear that the therapy you're doing now is giving you valuable insights and helping you move through it all.
Take care :)

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Jenny Blount

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Re: Trigger warning- physical child abuse
« Reply #7 on: April 02, 2021, 04:42:04 PM »
Thank you so much.

My last session was really hard work, lots of ugly-crying and left me feeling in no doubt it wasnít a magic cure and I still had to do the work (I kinda hoped the brain did it all behind the scenes - turns out Iíve got to unlearn behaviours too!)

Some hideous dream images followed......but, as long as I go at a pace thatís compassionate but not complacent ....I think Iím making progress.

Thank you so much for the support!
Jx

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Kizzie

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Re: Trigger warning- physical child abuse
« Reply #8 on: April 05, 2021, 03:59:16 PM »
 :grouphug: