Multiple Sclerosis

[Dark.art.girl]

Hey so.. my mother has MS. She's has C-PTSD as well, but her MS came from a drug her mother took while pregnant with my mom. She was diagnosed at 27 years old, and the life expectancy can be anywhere from 22-35 years after diagnoses. Since she caught it early, she was still able to walk and function normally with medication. Within the first 15 years after her diagnoses, she took extremely good care of herself by eating well, working out every day, and staying away from alcohol. This was until my parents divorced and she took to drinking again. As she got older, drinking on and off coupled with my father putting her through so much, it started to take a toll on her brain. About four years ago, an MRI showed 12 lesions--or scar tissue--on her brain. I knew that she wasn't the exact same person and that the drinking had made an impact on her brain and personality by that point. Which was devastating in itself. Our relationship had ups and downs but she's always my mom.

Now, in the last couple of months, her disease has become more progressive. She's struggled with alcohol addiction, depression and anxiety which all contribute to the morbidity rate. She's now sober, but I can tell her cognitive function is deteriorating more rapidly. She's getting mood swings and acting a bit more erratically, she's walking into rooms and forgetting where she is or why she was there (which, I mean I do that too sometimes but the 'where' is more concerning). She's turning 51 this year, and I'm praying to God that things don't take a sharp turn downhill.

My fiance looked at me with sad eyes reminding me how long she's supposed to live under her circumstances. Reality kind of sunk in. And talking to my grandfather, he told me that I should spend more time with her. I agree.. But I'm not ready to lose my mom yet, man. I'm remaining hopeful, but I'm scared that even though she took care of herself early, the alcohol might've canceled that out in the long-term. As long as she can still walk, I'm hoping it'll give her more time with me. I'm crying writing this because I love her so much, and she's understood me more than anyone else ever has. She's the only person who knows what kind of person my father is and can support me through the abandonment and suffering he put both of us through. My father is getting old too. I knew I'd lose them early but I'm only twenty years old and I want them to meet their grandchildren and see me get married. It might be selfish but I want them to have those memories too.

I feel so alone knowing I'm going to lose them both so early.. This might sound juvenile but.. She's my mommy. I love my mommy. I miss her.
I'm trying to see if I can surprise her by flying up to see her soon.. I'll keep you all updated.
Thank you for your support.

[Not Alone]

Doesn't sound juvenile to me. I hear your sadness. Her slow decline and not knowing the future is really difficult.

[Dark.art.girl]

Thank you for this. It's extremely hard. I don't know how much time I have left with either of my parents.

[CactusFlower]

As someone who lost their mom when I was in my 40's, it's not juvenile. When it's a parent you love, you'll always want more time. it may not be easy currently, but later on, you'll appreciate that you were able to spend more time with her. Just remember to take care of yourself as well and whatever you feel is valid. My mom's been gone for  wow, it'll be 8 years this summer, and I still want her back. Gentle hugs if you want them. We're here for you.

[Pioneer]

Thanks for sharing, dark.art.girl. Your thoughts and grief make sense to me. Here is a hug if that's ok 

[Dark.art.girl]

Thank you both.. She just made me her legacy contact on Facebook. Which scared me a bit.
If you don't know what a legacy contact is, it's someone you've chosen to look after your Facebook after you've passed away. I've been talking to her a lot recently, and she seems to be doing fine. The progression is mild from what I've seen/heard.
I'm also sorry for all of your losses, and I'm sorry if you know grief the same way I have so far.