Introductory Post

[Looking4kindredspirit58]

Before I begin, let me please say that putting my experiences down in writing feels and sounds like a plea for sympathy.  That fact may very well be my inner critic at work; however, rest assured I am going to elaborate somewhat here with the sole purpose of finding those of you out there who can perhaps relate or validate what I have been experiencing for more than 4 decades. 
Following 8 major depressive episodes and 2 hospitalizations over 4 decades with symptoms (dissociation, emotional flashbacks, "switching" between my young inner "child" and present day aged person, derealization, depression, anxiety/terror attacks, chronic fight/flight mode), becoming worse with each passing year, I now know for certain that all previous diagnoses  were inadequate/incorrect.  "One off" diagnoses were addressed and not CPTSD overall due to lack of awareness on the part of "professionals" consulted.
PTSD has always been a term loosely used by doctors I've consulted however as we all know too well, there are major differences between PTSD and CPTSD.
I am now at a loss as to how to function at this point as I am no longer able to work or live on my own.
My biggest obstacle as I see it, is that part of my psyche that "switches" back to my younger damaged self, sometimes for weeks on end.  My conscious mind goes completely offline to such a degree that I don't recognize myself in the mirror.  How do I navigate this?

[woodsgnome]

Hi, looking4kindredspirit58 

First, an observation --  . . . that's for taking what is often the hardest step -- to be upfront and find others who might be able to relate to your difficult journey. None of us would be here if we hadn't felt trapped in the same cycles you've mentioned.

Having arrived here, I hope you'll be able to find a safer path forwards.

[Kizzie]

HI and a warm welcome to OOTS Looking4kindredspirit     you will definitely find kindred spirits here, including many who were misdiagnosed/treated because the diagnosis of CPTSD has only recently been accepted as an official diagnosis.

I hope you will find information, validation and support here and that it all helps you in your recovery and healing 

[owl25]

Hi Looking4kindredspirit58, welcome!  I have not had the same experience with regard to not recognizing myself in the mirror, so I don't have any insights to share on how to deal with that. Hopefully as you read the various sections of this forum and post there, others may be able to share their experiences with that.  I'm glad you've found your way here and hope this will help with your healing. 

[Not Alone]

A warm welcome to OOTS. My heart hurts for the anguish you are experiencing.

[SonOfTheLoveless]

I am now at a loss as to how to function at this point as I am no longer able to work or live on my own.
My biggest obstacle as I see it, is that part of my psyche that "switches" back to my younger damaged self, sometimes for weeks on end.  My conscious mind goes completely offline to such a degree that I don't recognize myself in the mirror.  How do I navigate this?

Hello Looking4kindredspirit58.  I think that on this forum you have found them.

Indeed that is very correct, CPTSD is different from PTSD.

I assume you have read the book by Pete Walker, _Complex PTSD_?  That book has been such a huge help to me.  He adresses what he terms "emotional flashbacks" -- seems similar to the "switches" that you describe.  (Note: I myself am clearly much less traumatized than you, my own "emotional flashbacks" are much less severe. But I still recognize all of the symptoms of Cptsd that Walker mentions.)

I think that *the* way towards healing is to find HEALTHY connections, connections with other people that are based on Love, instead of based on narcissism and abuse.  Maybe this forum can be a first step towards healthy connections.   A connection remains basically a connection, even if it is anonymous and via the internet.  On this forum, we are all damaged people in some way or other, i.e. people who despise abuse and narcissism, and who in that way are of the same mindset as you.

Also, I think that your post demonstrates that you already have found your way out.  I think communication with others is the way out.  Communication with people who are not narcissists.

Be well and be of good heart.  You are on the right path.

[Kizzie]

Part of navigating the storm of CPTSD is finding professionals who understand, accept and know how to effectively treat Complex PTSD. If not CPTSD, more therapists these days know about dissociation ( and/or derealization/depersonalization) and/or Dissociative Identity Disorder which sounds like what you may be dealing with. 

We have databases to search for therapists here, and forms to download, complete and take with you to appts here.  Please note that often rather than Complex PTSD they will list PTSD/Trauma (the latter may encapsulate CPTSD, DID, etc). 

I hope this helps you to take some concrete action towards getting some effective therapy.

Please keep posting too. Not being alone with this & making connections is another part of steering out of the chaotic feelings.