dollyvee's recovery journal

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Hope67

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Re: dollyvee's recovery journal
« Reply #75 on: April 17, 2021, 03:04:28 PM »
Hi Dollyvee,
I think it's lovely that you enjoyed some time by the special tree and saw the new born lamb as well.  That sounds relaxing.   :hug:
Hope  :)

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dollyvee

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Re: dollyvee's recovery journal
« Reply #76 on: April 18, 2021, 01:50:09 PM »
Thanks Hope  :hug: I've checked back in on the little guy, I was worried it wouldn't make it as the weather has been cold at night, and it's doing well I think. Made sure not to get to close and scare them. The moms are protective though and keep them safe, but is nice to watch them running around.

_______________________

Attended Unattached Burdens course yesterday which was fascinating. He showed a video of Richard Schwartz doing an IFS session with someone who had one and it was so interesting to watch. I feel like there's so much room outside what is considered normal to explain our internal processes, and maybe because of my upbringing, for so long I just wanted a "normal" family (to be supported and loved for me) that I blocked out a lot of other ideas (connections) because, I guess fundamentally, it didn't feel safe. Frank, the IFS-ee in the video, describes two fears when talking about UBs - that there is something in him that is malevolent, and that ppl will think he's making it up (he's crazy). I relate to both. He also mentions it's shame that keeps him from talking about these things, that what if there is something wrong with him. There's something in my IFS that comes up which is either a shadow aspect or possibly a UB. Still trying to discern what is what.

IFS has kind of been on pause for me as I'm trying to make sense of what it's shown me in the past. I think there's a part that maybe needs to know what it all means so it can process it and feel safe. Thinking about "guides," something that will come up in the final UB seminar, I did an IFS back to the "black" to see if the Inuit faces/Native American figures (shadows) that I had seen were maybe guides. After the UB workshop, this is maybe not the safest, but I forgot about that. When I went back the figure of an Inuit (?) woman with a round face came out though she did look more European thinking about it now. She was like a grandmother/wise woman with long grey/white hair. I had a part that was very anxious about what was going on, excited but also like it was trying to force things (a "realness" onto it?) so that I could be sure about what I was seeing, that it was concrete. That part felt very young, and is familiar. I think it comes up in relationships (all the time?) that I have to make sure that person/security is not going away; that it's a type of protection. I couldn't unblend from this very well and almost forgot to. It felt like it was overwhelming Self. It's interesting, I think maybe this part is related to my grandmother? That that's the protection I needed and got from her (even if it was maybe an illusion).

On another IFS yesterday (well, thinking about a situation and trying to unblend), I noticed some things. When thinking about a person, it was like images of his opposite came up; ideas that might have made him uncomfortable. That a part of  me did this to protect myself, so maybe it would be awkward with this person or distance between us at the least. I actually think this happens quite a bit in different situations that there's a part that just "makes things awkward" but can see it now that it's protecting me.

Lots of things to work out, but good to write it down even if these things are not the easiest to talk about.

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dollyvee

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Re: dollyvee's recovery journal
« Reply #77 on: May 10, 2021, 06:42:11 AM »
It's been an intense couple of weeks - my grandmother passed away last weekend and I think I'm still working out how to process that.

I think it's good to take some space for me and work it out. I don't want to fall into any old patterns of leaping to fill my family's need and feeling like I'm being taken advantage of. My brother is back after not speaking to my grandparents for two years and part of me is upset that my grandfather is willing to put aside his lying about me so he can speak with him, which makes him feel better. I never wanted them to choose sides I guess, but just recognize and stand up for what is fair - acknowledging and holding him to account about his behaviour. But it seems like, again, this (and I) get left in the dust over his needs. So, a part of me is pulling back and just working out how to deal with this and these new feelings towards it. Funnily enough this seems to be a similar pattern to what is happening at work.

This weekend was the last weekend of the Unattached Burdens course and I don't even know if I want to write what came up. Part of me is thinking that surely I must've made this up because a part of me is scared (taking responsibility again).

IFS meditation
We were asked to check in with our parts and let them know we were going to be going on a journey and see if they were ok with that and to unblend. I did this and really tried to be in person/Self on the path we were walking. I chose to take the higher path and as soon as I started walking along it - I saw a white face with red eyes that felt like "male" energy. I kept walking and reflected that maybe this was the dragon I saw in a previous IFS. I felt the familiar "bad smell" feeling where it's like something inside makes a face and squishes up to avoid something - like my eyes shut tight and I just want to get away (all metaphorically but it's there). So, concentration was a bit of an issue and it felt like this feeling  inside was hindering that concentration. I also felt more pain in my hip - it became uncomfortable and I moved positions several times. (In the first class we did a meditation where we scanned our bodies with a ball of light and I noticed some brown energy in my hip along with some other places). It then occurred to me that Bob mentioned that unattached burdens can have red eyes. I tried to continue with the meditation and find my guide. I had an image of a small thing with kind of a mushroom cap but it was difficult to unblend from the feeling I described above.

The night I did this meditation, I woke up in the middle of the night and had some thoughts about it and made some notes that if it is a UB, or whatever it is, affects the belief of who I am as a person - that I then think there's something wrong with me, that I'm a bad person.  That maybe this came in at a time when I was dealing with my mom behaving the way she did and holding onto this gave me a sense of power and control; that there was a fear there at this time and I could hold onto this? It's like this fear that I don't feel good enough (or just this fear really) keeps me in a space where I don't feel confident or recognise my true value, or give me that ability to say no/stand up for myself/put a boundary up. Tbf I am doing these now, but it's like I'm stuck in a loop of drawing the negative energy to me in the first place where I have to do these things (like all the crazy experiences at work). So, maybe there is something on an unconscious level that I haven't worked out and maybe this is it? I also have the feeling of accomplishing things in my life but it's as if I can never stop to enjoy them, that it's never good enough.

Part of me says everyone has these issues, but in speaking to a friend who has similar trauma (narc family etc) he's really good at recognizing this is his family and what is good for him, to stand up for himself etc. With me it feels like it just becomes doubt and a question.

I have a session with a therapist that specailizes in unattached burdens and IFS booked so let's see what comes up. It just feels to weird to even consider this but I want to get to bottom of what is happening for me.

 :grouphug:
« Last Edit: May 10, 2021, 06:48:21 AM by dollyvee »

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Hope67

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Re: dollyvee's recovery journal
« Reply #78 on: May 10, 2021, 10:18:16 AM »
Hi Dollyvee,
Sending you a hug, if that's ok  :hug: 

I've not read all your post, but I saw that your grandmother passed away last weekend, and you mentioned taking some space for yourself - people have said to me to take time and be gentle with myself, and that was helpful to hear, so I wanted to also say that to you, and hope it's helpful for you.

Hope  :)