Grief about life choices

[CreativeCat]

Hi all,

I've not posted for a while but I'm really struggling again at the moment  with grieving life 'choices' I've made as an adult. 

I've done lots of work through self reflection and therapy and I've felt a lot of grief over my childhood, which has really helped. As I get healthier I'm now grieving my early adult years and the way I have approached relationships- I've realised how unhealthy my 8-year long marriage has been, and the toxic and sometimes emotionally abusive patterns that existed - these experiences haven't been anywhere near as abusive as my childhood, and as it was comparatively good, I think I've then tolerated it for longer than I should have.

Over the past year I've communicated really firm boundaries about how I want to be treated and my husband is taking responsibility and seeking help. Part of me is so proud of where we're both at and I feel really grateful that we're on this journey together. But part of me feels such a huge sense of regret that if I had been healthier I would have chosen to marry, and had children, with someone healthier- or I would have at least put a stop to the damaging patterns sooner.  I want to stay with him for a number of reasons but part of me can't help feel angry, disappointed and victimised that I'm continuing to pay for the trauma through my life choices.

I was just wondering if anyone else has felt and been through similar and what helped?

[Not Alone]

Regarding marriage, I do ask myself, "What was I thinking? Why didn't I see this? Why did I ignore my concerns?" I have some answers to those questions. A previous therapist told me, "I think you just wanted to have a normal life." I think that's true. I try not to spend too much time on those questions and any regrets, because for the most part, it isn't constructive for me.

My T tells me to grieve the losses in my marriage. Even though painful, it is probably healthy that you are allowing yourself to feel angry, disappointed and victimised that I'm continuing to pay for the trauma through my life choices. Good for you for stating firm boundaries. I'm glad that your husband is taking responsibility and is seeking help.

[CreativeCat]

Thank you for your reply notalone. Yes I can see what you mean- I'm just torturing myself with these questions and they're not helpful for me either. I don't want to ruin the all the good with comparisons to a life that doesn't exist by my inner and outer critic. I shall try to let these questions just pass by too.

Thank you for the validation. I don't want to hang on to all the anger forever and get lost in it but I think you're totally right. It is by truly feeling my anger that I was able to stand up for myself so it definitely has been productive.

I hope you continue to find peace with your situation too. 

[CreativeCat]

I just came across this article. It talks about feelings of regret and gives 5 questions  to reflect on. I just spent some time writing the answers in my journal and I found it incredibly helpful...

https://adaa.org/learn-from-us/from-the-experts/blog-posts/consumer/how-handle-regret

Ultimately I realised that I'm feeling regret, anger and grief because I AM healthier now and I now know what I didn't know then. If this wasn't the case then I wouldn't even be aware enough to  regret -  if that makes sense??

It really helped me to make space for celebration as well as grief. Celebration that I now feel more whole and together and that I'm always learning. It's also helped me to accept ALL the feelings and not worry too much about them as the worry and rumination was impacting on my ability to shine my new found self!

Thank you notalone for helping me think about things in a different way. Let me know if you end up doing the questions too- I'd love to know how you're getting on.

I thank God for this community that helps me in my darkest times 

[Kizzie]

Ultimately I realised that I'm feeling regret, anger and grief because I AM healthier now and I now know what I didn't know then. If this wasn't the case then I wouldn't even be aware enough to  regret -  if that makes sense??

It absolutely makes sense CC.  I keep having similar realizations lately and they are hard but like you I know I'm seeing/feeling the losses because I am willing and able to, I'm healthier.

Loved the article. It really does help not to heap blame on myself, but to look realistically and compassionately at where I was then and am now.  Tks for the link 

[CreativeCat]

You're welcome- I'm glad it was useful.

Yes I totally understand. It's a bittersweet feeling isn't it 

[Not Alone]

Thanks Creative Cat. Those were good questions in the article.

It really helped me to make space for celebration as well as grief. Celebration that I now feel more whole and together and that I'm always learning. It's also helped me to accept ALL the feelings and not worry too much about them as the worry and rumination was impacting on my ability to shine my new found self!

I've been feeling grief and anger about my marriage situation, i.e. husband being avoidant. What you wrote opens the idea to me of celebrating/finding joy in that I know myself and see things in a different light.

[CreativeCat]

It can be so tough can't it notalone. And it can be pretty lonely too. But yes- let's celebrate how far we've come and our journey to our own wholeness :-)

[Kizzie]

        

[Armadillo]

I think notalone has a good point there...that grieving those losses is a great sign of progress in healing. I'm sad for you though, too, that you lost years, money, and a lot of other things paying for things that were not your fault. Grrrr....

Even though I got so so so lucky and have the most ideal partner, I too [am starting to] grieve because I was so stuck from undiagnosed PTSD that I wasted 20 years with him being afraid and feeling like I don't deserve him and like I am bad and wrong and stupid and etc...and that's all just the past talking. He did nothing to make me feel that way. I am starting to feel mad about feeling so awful while my life was chugging along with nothing but goodness in it. 

[Panda]

This is something I struggle with a lot as well. I agree with the others, being able to finally grieve is a sign of healing, even if it doesn't even remotely feel good. It gets easier with time and learning how to talk yourself through the worst of it.


CC, thank you very much for the article you posted, I found it super helpful!