Love, and Emotional Incest (emasculation by a mother who cannot let go)

[SonOfTheLoveless]

Hello all, here is finally my self-intro.

Many thanks to the people who created and who are running this forum, and to the people who fill the forum with life.

About me: 53 years old, grew up under narcissistic parents and in a narcissistic family (with emotional abuse and neglect, but no physical abuse).  That my father is very clearly narcissistic (meaning NPD, of the sneaky, "covert", type) I discovered only about 4-5 years ago.  (That is how "deep inside" things one is as a child of a narcissists, so deep inside things that one doesn't even recognize the narcissism.)  Judging from the symptoms listed in the book by Pete Walker, I definitely have Cptsd (although my Cptsd is maybe(?) less severe now than it has been in the past).

I cut loose from my father, entirely, about 3 years ago, and he no longer troubles me mentally.  The thing that brought me to this forum is my recognition that I am still struggling with my mother.  Namely, I am discovering that my mother is to a certain extent a narcissistic person as well.  Probably below diagnosis as clinically NPD, but still a person who has no idea what Love is and who is very controlling, and my main problem with her is that (as I am discovering) she has severe problems LETTING GO of her children.  Just a few days ago, I found the term "emotional incest" on the internet -- I still have to read up on that term but it seems very likely to me that I am a victim of this "emotional incest".  I feel that up till now (where I am finally recognizing it), this thing has been emasculating me.  I would very very much look forward to hearing of other men who have similar experiences.

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Another big topic for me (which I will probably start a new thread for in due time) is the topic of LOVE.  I mean this word Love not in the sense of sex or romantic love, but in the sense of the love between friends.  One very crucial aspect of Love that I think I am discovering is that Love means that one leaves the other person intact as a person, i.e. one allows the other person to be themselves, to be their own individual person with their own views and their own thoughts and opinions.  I am coming to the point of view that Love is in all ways the opposite, the antithesis, of Narcissism.

Specifically, I posit the thesis that narcissists do not understand what Love is.  For the reason that the narcissist is not able to respect boundaries, not able to accept that the other person is a separate person with their own life.

And also, specifically I posit the thesis that Love is *the* crucial component that is needed for healing from growing up under narcissistic parents.  Namely first of all to discover for yourself the stance of Love (i.e. to discover your capacity for loving others, which is IMO such a huge generator of energy in yourself).  And secondly, finding the Love of others for you (meaning first of all: FRIENDS who care for you, friends who are not narcissists).

Many thanks.  Everyone be well and be healthy.

[PhoenixA]

Welcome and I feel for your struggles.  I am not a male so I can't respond to your request from that perspective but as someone who has lived with narcissists both as a child and adult I would agree that they do not at all understand the true sense of love where the other is not only allowed to be as a person but encouraged to be their own person and grow and change.  I also agree that love needs to start with loving/accepting/liking self, and then being able to accept from trusted friends and others.

I hope you're able to find what you want and need here and find some healing and answers.

[Jazzy]

Hi SonOfTheLoveless,

I'm sorry to hear that you've struggled with your parents not loving you properly. I've had a similar situation in my childhood especially, at least in that broad sense. It's a really difficult thing to truly recover from.

Your post strikes me as coming from a very intellectual perspective, so I'm not sure exactly what you would like to hear about from others. Please feel free to ask any questions you may have, or provide a more specific explanation of what you are looking for. I have a few journals on this site, which have plenty of material in them. They're open, and you're welcome to read them if you want to know more about some of the specifics of what I've been through in the past.

On the topic of love, I fully agree with you. I believe my mother has never truly loved me, and still doesn't. She is far too selfish, and before that was obsessed with me when we were younger, but obsession is not love. As you said, she can't let go. She can't respect boundaries, and accept that I am my own person, with my own life. I know she has a diagnosis of BPD (and probably more), so you can call it BPD, or call it narcissism, or whatever title, but the result is the same.

I also completely agree that proper love leaves the other person in tact. Although I think it also helps improve both people in a positive way, in which they want to change. For me, it was specifically self love (based on self respect), that has been critical to my healing. It sounds like you've figured a lot out though, and you're making great progress, which is very encouraging to read.

Keep up the good work!

[Armadillo]

Welcome! Good job cutting contact with your dad. We'll be here to support you with managing your relationship or non relationship with your mom. I'm sorry that you too only know the self-serving parental love.