Anyone else just shocked?

[InTheQuiet]

Hi there all

Glad to have found you. I am just stabilising after a third depressive episode. Finally realised i'm not just a bit depressed or anxious sometimes. I have C-PTSD. I'm working on accepting that.

I've been in therapy for over 10 years. I can tell you all the reasons I am the way I am, but I still haven't processed the trauma of the first 18 years of my life... a catalogue of small to large abuses at the hands of most of the adults who were supposed to be my caretakers.

Mostly, I am exhausted. Tired of feeling ashamed & broken. Tired of the gloom & fear. I want to be determined to heal, but I'm not. I just feel burnt out.

So, I guess I am here looking for hope.

Sending healing wishes to you all.

[Blue Rose]

Thank you for your healing wishes, InTheQuiet. They are needed. And sending same to you. I read something recently that said with CPTSD you are not broken in need of fixing, rather you are deeply hurt in need of care. Be kind to yourself.

[woodsgnome]

Hi  InTheQuiet.

What you've shared in this intro largely matches the way I feel, following 18+ years of major/minor trauma from FOO, teachers, and later on several adults in the 'older' phase of cptsd's aftershocks.

I still somehow manage searching for hope. Occasionally I find some, until the next shock wave tends to rush in. One of my hopeful places has been this forum, where there's others who are also looking for ways to keep hope alive.

Sometimes the candle seems to flicker, but we're still here ... and welcome your company, trusting you'll also find it a useful place for staying with the journey.

[Blueberry]

Hello InTheQuiet 

Welcome to the forum, I'm glad you found us. And thanks for your healing wishes right in your first post 

Atm I feel - once again - profoundly shocked, one reason I read your post.

There is hope to be found on this forum. I wish for you that you are able to find some hope here too, as well as support and at the very least the feeling that you're understood here.

[Bermuda]

Same, same. Welcome to the group. It is somehow very shocking every time it replays, as if it is the first time I  am seeing my life. Maybe I am making new realisations each time.

It's easier to let go of some of the shame when you begin to realise how necessary C-PTSD was for you to cope, and how STRONG you actually are. I can't even imagine what you must have suffered with, but you are so strong. You're a survivor.

Thanks for the healing wishes, I wish the same to you.

[InTheQuiet]

Thank you for your care everyone. Was nervous about posting, and this has already made it feel worthwhile...

[CactusFlower]

Hi there!
I've just started my journey, but I know it won't be quick OR easy. I'm glad to have found this supportive group so early on. It's a great bunch who really get it.

Just to share, i saw this on something recently and liked it.
"There is nothing wrong with me.
I have patterns to unlearn, new behaviors to embody, and wounds to heal. But there is nothing wrong with me and who I am.
I am remembering love.
It takes time."

wishing you the energy to heal.

[Kizzie]

  InTheQuiet, glad you found your way here and took the risk of posting

[PhoenixA]

So sorry to hear you are so exhausted.  I hope that the support you can find here lifts some of that for you.  My personal experience has been that self work is one of the hardest and most exhausting things that a person can undertake.  Thank you for sharing and I hope you find strength from the group here.

Your wishes to everyone speak to a generous and caring heart and thank you for them!!

I hope you are safe and keep well. 

[Armadillo]

Aw I really relate to your post! It is so so exhausting and you've been at it 10 years. No wonder you are worn out.

I'm glad you've found this forum too, and as hard as it is to hear and accept I'm glad that you've gotten a more accurate diagnosis of CPTSD. I hope that helps focus treatment to be more effective.

I very much relate to what you said about understanding...it's pretty easy to "get it" cognitively, but fixing it...that is hard and frustrating and slow and yes very shocking!

[InTheQuiet]

Thanks everyone. One last update on this thread: TW for domestic violence.

Today I spent an hour in therapy processing watching my mum get strangled. My partner is very low on patience with me atm, which is understandable because I am so hypervigilant.

It means so very much to have this space to post to. I feel a bit less alone

[Armadillo]

 

Take care of yourself tonight. That's a lot to process in therapy.

[Not Alone]

I really do not have words, but I care.

[Kizzie]

   InTheQuiet   

[wondercrew]

Hi! We are all with you