Boundaries not working TW

[InTheQuiet]

TW: abuse & stalking

Ok so.

I have C-PTSD from my first 18 years of life. I have been in therapy for over a decade, but only just realised after a recent episode of blind terror for several weeks. I'm told it is a sign of progress... 😒

My partner's ex is obsessed with her. She messages her after being asked not to, and continues to volunteer with her company. I tried to negotiate my own boundary with her directly last year, but she just kicked off. She was monitoring my social media so I've deleted that.

Now she is doing it much less (but still present). She does it always as just being nice which makes it hard to challenge. My partner ignores her.

The problem is it has been going on for a year, and so now has become a trigger. She reminds me very much of my parents & doesn't seem to understand no. Tonight i had a panic attack after her latest attempt.

My partner is unwilling to do more. I imagine she thinks it would make it worse, but I am so triggered. How the * do i manage this fear? I can't stay with my partner & get away from this woman.

All advice welcome

[Kizzie]

I'm so sorry you're going through this InTheQuiet, I know that having CPTSD means you can't relax never knowing when she'll pop up so you end up being endlessly hypervigilant.

Have you had a conversation with your partner about just how triggering her ex is for you and why?  It sounds like you may need to put your heads together to solve the problem because something has to give and you've already tried yourself. It may take some coordination with the police even (restraining order) if she won't back away. 

[InTheQuiet]

Thanks so much. Your message has really validated how I am feeling. My partner just keeps telling me she isn't anything to worry about. I've explained the hypervigilance repeatedly. She isn't very assertive, so I don't think she will do more. She doesn't agree that the behaviour constitutes stalking.

Sadly, i think i'll have to move out. I'm not able to cope at the moment. I've managed it for a year or so, but it's too much now

[Kizzie]

It's sad that it has to come to that but doing what's best for you is great self-care and validation of your feelings and symptoms and what you need to do to for your health and well-being    I don't think people get how exhausting emotionally and physically being hypervigilant and triggered are but we do here 

[InTheQuiet]

Thanks, Kizzie. I feel so determined to get well. I am also deep in actively working on healing trauma at the moment, so I have zero headspace to deal with unhealthy relationship dynamics. I feel a little uncharitable, but nobody else is going to get better for me. Thanks for the solidarity 

[Kizzie]

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