Help! Any tips from fellow OOTS members?

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Blue Rose

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Help! Any tips from fellow OOTS members?
« on: April 15, 2021, 09:54:13 AM »
Hello all, my Dad has just been diagnosed with Parkinson's Disease. He has had a tremor for years and years, but over last 24 months or more had been gradually slowing down, but then had a really rapid deterioration from January this year onwards. He can walk using frame, but is unable to do much self-care and needs a lot of support. Unfortunately my FOO includes my NM - and it is her behaviour from my earliest childhood onwards that is the cause of my CPTSD. As you might imagine, she is finding my Dad's illness really difficult to deal with. They can afford to buy anything they need and pay for carers but of course she questions everything me and my siblings suggest that might help. Even to the extent of questioning his need for a second plastic urinal bottle in case he needs to use it twice during the night. When I went round this morning to check on Dad I discovered she had turned the heating off in his bedroom and it was freezing in there. It feels like deliberate cruelty. She also said "he soon complains if anything isn't right" in a really mean way. My Dad is so vulnerable now, I feel so worried and don't know how to handle my mum. I'd really welcome any advice you have. Dad has never stood up to Mum all their marriage - she has always belittled him in front of others and been incredibly mean about allowing him to spend money on anything he wants, so I realise some things are never going to change, but just need some strategies for how best to deal with things right now. Thank you.

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Blueberry

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Re: Help! Any tips from fellow OOTS members?
« Reply #1 on: April 15, 2021, 10:55:04 AM »
Blue Rose, it might help you to check over at our sister website, OOTF https://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?board=37.0 OR https://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?board=4.0 or even https://outofthefog.website/toolbox-intro/ especially if nobody replies here. Many more mbrs at OOTF so sometimes I check there when it's less a question of cptsd and its effect on me. I do get ideas there, but sometimes it takes me a long, long time to be able to implement them.

I apologise if you already know that site. 

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Kizzie

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Re: Help! Any tips from fellow OOTS members?
« Reply #2 on: April 15, 2021, 04:01:43 PM »
I am so sorry you and your siblings are having to deal with this Blue Rose.  Aging parents with medical issues can be difficult under normal circumstances but add in a parent with NPD and things get much more so.

Perhaps you could also talk with your siblings about an assisted care facility for your F or at the very least in home care. With my parents we convinced them both to move into a facility and it was a huge relief to know they were safe.  My NPD M felt much less strain caring for my D and was under scrutiny which helped to reduce her N behav, my F got the care he needed, and we slept better at night.  It might also be worthwhile talking to his physician and let him/her know the situation as your F really is vulnerable.

Hope this is helpful  :)

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Blue Rose

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Re: Help! Any tips from fellow OOTS members?
« Reply #3 on: April 19, 2021, 11:17:55 AM »
Blueberry and Kizzie, thank you both for replying and for your helpful suggestions. I am attempting to separate the people from the problem - so plan to try and help my parents think through things by looking at them objectively and trying not to let emotions get in the way. Think this will also help my CPTSD - my anxiety levels and SOT/hypervigilance are really bad at the moment. Although it's helping just to post that fact on here. Which is a comforting thought. I had my first Astra Zeneca shot on Friday and felt quite rough Friday night and Saturday but trying to keep positive that it's progress. Also got results of breast biopsy on Wednesday at hospital. I just heard a colleague's husband is going into hospital on Wednesday for a cardiac procedure. I sent an email saying she was in my thoughts and sending best wishes and also sending a document she was planning to read tomorrow so that she didn't have to hunt for it. She sent an email back saying I am star - how nice. It made me cry and say out loud that I just want someone to think of me. So it's lovely to know on OOTS that people are. I really appreciate it.

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Kizzie

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Re: Help! Any tips from fellow OOTS members?
« Reply #4 on: April 19, 2021, 04:29:10 PM »
You have a lot going on Blue Rose, I hope the biopsy result was good :hug:

After reading your post I looked for some resources about dealing with aging parents and started an info thread here - https://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=14252.0;topicseen.  It may be helpful as there are some articles about parents like ours. 

  :grouphug: