Anyone Else in Acute Care? TW

Eidolon · April 15, 2021, 06:52:29 PM

I ended up in an acute care facility. I went to pick up some of my things today and I guess I'm just still adjusting to a new environment. I miss being able to take care of my physical appearance and I think I'll probably have to go on disability. Does anyone else have experience with being in an acute care environment? I've been volunteering around the facility and that helps with my confidence a little bit. No idea where I'll go from here.

There's not a whole lot of direction so I'm just doing the best I can.

I picked some dandelions! I guess that was a bonus; I like weeding.

Eidolon · April 16, 2021, 07:48:59 PM

Update for today- I'm thawing out from my freeze response and the posts from earlier hit a lot harder. It feels like a shell coming off. I feel almost naked, like I'm not the old me; not as strong as I used to be. I feel the urge to cry a lot. Things feel like I'm a kid again. I know I have emotional parts and things are starting to make more sense. I feel more fluid.

Armadillo · April 17, 2021, 01:24:43 AM

Oh gosh, huge hugs to you. I'm new here and haven't read your previous posts so I don't know what you're going through. Sometimes losing our shell and feeling less strong than we thought is actually a sign of how strong we are. You're going to get through this and it will be better than before. It sounds like you are really working hard to keep your spirits up. That is hard work and takes strength to not just fall in a pit. I'll be thinking of you and wishing you strength and joy and peace. But I'm sorry you are going through this.

Not Alone · April 17, 2021, 03:06:27 AM

Eidolon, I hope you are getting good care where you are at. Sounds like you are feeling vulnerable and tender. Sending you care.

Jazzy · April 17, 2021, 10:50:56 PM

I haven't had that experience myself. On one hand, I wish I did... because I needed it. People didn't really seem to take it seriously how hurting and damaged I really was. However, I'm sure it's also a very difficult thing to deal with. As notalone said, I'm sure it is a very vulnerable feeling situation to be in, and I expect that there are a lot of other complicated feelings surrounding it. Actually, the more I think about it, the more challenging it sounds.

It sounds like you're making some progress though, and that's great news! I'm happy for you. I hope things continue to go well, and you come through this better than ever before.

I'm on disability myself, and I have been for almost 10 years now. It is a challenge in its own way, but it's really not all that bad. It gives me lots of time to work on myself, which I desperately have needed.

A lot of life, at least for me, has been not having a lot of direction, and just doing the best I can. That's alright though. It's important to realize that, and be gentle with ourselves doing our best, even if it doesn't always go perfectly, because we have so much to deal with. It's been helpful for me to share things about my life (with the right people, of course), and ask for others opinion to see how they would handle something, but make my own decisions in the end. So, maybe that's something you can do more, which will help you feel less lost and more confident.

That's great that you enjoy weeding. I imagine it feels nice to be in nature, and feel productive. Keep up the good work!

Eidolon · April 18, 2021, 02:29:31 PM

Thank you all for the warm feelings! It's strange- but not unhelpful, I finally have a therapist and there's levels to work through (setting goals, creating boundaries, working on self-forgiveness and forgiveness for other people) that seems to focus on C-PTSD so I'm honestly hopeful for the work being done. They also help with doctor's appointments and checkups to make sure that if you're at ground 0, you can work up with them. It's kind of nice but the groups can be a bit stressful sometimes. My life hasn't had direction and they're the ones pushing me to find what would make me happiest.

Lots of

for everybody in this. Today's Sunday; we got to have french toast and sausages.

Blueberry · April 18, 2021, 08:15:19 PM

Eidolon, I have been in acute care. I hope you can get the support you need.

Eidolon · April 20, 2021, 12:39:19 PM

Quote from: Blueberry on April 18, 2021, 08:15:19 PM
Eidolon, I have been in acute care. I hope you can get the support you need.

Thank you! Things seem to be looking up- I get to see my therapist today after a triggering incident with my dad. Had a moment of intense shame yesterday but otherwise doing okay.

Armadillo · April 20, 2021, 02:17:54 PM

Hi Eidolon,

Thinking of you today. Shame sucks.

Eidolon · April 20, 2021, 10:02:44 PM

Shame does suck. Feeling a bit low today; hoping a walk will help. Looked into workbooks that I might buy to help treat it; tired most of the time. Might be the ativan but I don't know for certain. Feels like burnout but maybe it's not- I'm hoping it's not and that I can work through it.

Eidolon · April 22, 2021, 12:44:15 PM

Reading Bradshaw's book on shame right now- I didn't realize I had a whole bunch of it stored up. Looking into body tapping now for soothing. Everything I did was shamed when I was younger so it's nice to have an outlet.

Armadillo · April 22, 2021, 02:03:25 PM

How are you feeling today?

If you try the tapping stuff let us know if it works and helps you feels better!

I've noticed my shame serves a purpose and it has nothing to do with me being bad. For me, it is either about 1. controlling myself so no one gets hurt. Except me, it doesn't matter if I get hurt. It's ok, even great, if I am a casualty. Or 2. Distracting myself from feeling other emotions like sadness anger or hurt. Which gets back to #1...if I feel those things someone will get hurt.

Even knowing those things are not true logically doesn't really help, because it's such a habit now. But knowing that that is the role shame or self-hatred or harm is playing helps me notice that there's probably some emotion I'm pushing away and most of the time now I can retrace my mental steps and figure out what emotion I was avoiding and what thought set it off. And by the time I've done that the emotion is gone! Such a neat trick!

But I think the more I practice noticing that those mean thoughts about myself are a distraction maybe the faster I'll be able to dismiss them and feel less shame and more of the true emotion that shame is covering for. I bet that'll be painful. There's probably a good reason I've been destroying myself to not feel them.

Eidolon · April 22, 2021, 03:47:08 PM

Quote from: Armadillo on April 22, 2021, 02:03:25 PM
How are you feeling today?

If you try the tapping stuff let us know if it works and helps you feels better!

I've noticed my shame serves a purpose and it has nothing to do with me being bad. For me, it is either about 1. controlling myself so no one gets hurt. Except me, it doesn't matter if I get hurt. It's ok, even great, if I am a casualty. Or 2. Distracting myself from feeling other emotions like sadness anger or hurt. Which gets back to #1...if I feel those things someone will get hurt.

Even knowing those things are not true logically doesn't really help, because it's such a habit now. But knowing that that is the role shame or self-hatred or harm is playing helps me notice that there's probably some emotion I'm pushing away and most of the time now I can retrace my mental steps and figure out what emotion I was avoiding and what thought set it off. And by the time I've done that the emotion is gone! Such a neat trick!

But I think the more I practice noticing that those mean thoughts about myself are a distraction maybe the faster I'll be able to dismiss them and feel less shame and more of the true emotion that shame is covering for. I bet that'll be painful. There's probably a good reason I've been destroying myself to not feel them.

Feeling nervous today- almost had, or did have, a panic attack while they were doing karaoke because that was the group of the day. Tapping has been letting loose old feelings of stress and anxiety (I've started being able to cry again!) and they adjusted my meds so I'll be starting on seroquel rather than the remeron I've been taking. Both nervous and hopeful, had a moment of perfectionism today that I managed to name and tame.

Also making friends! Thank you for checking in on me.

Eidolon · April 23, 2021, 12:47:50 PM

Having trouble trusting the doctors at the unit because they seem to be pushing for a Schizophrenic diagnosis when I know that's not it. They're changing meds around and I'm getting some tests done today. Will bring C-PTSD up to the doctor when I can next because it's getting a little frustrating- "do you feel like someone's coming to get you?" Thankfully no, but Jesus, I wish they trusted me more.

Armadillo · April 23, 2021, 03:10:04 PM

Hi Eidolon. That's very frustrating. And scary. Does the doc there know a little of your trauma history? I also don't know if this is helpful but here's an article on hallucinations (voices and visual) in PTSD. https://www.verywellmind.com/relationship-between-ptsd-and-psychotic-symptoms-2797525

I don't know what's happening that is causing them to be looking at schizophrenia so just ignore thisbif it isn't relevant.