Anyone Else in Acute Care? TW

[Armadillo]

Oh. Wow. I can't believe they don't have trauma therapists there! 

CBT. Like yeah, I know it is irrational to be terrified now. All that's in the past. No you're right all the evidence points to me being a worthwhile human. That....doesn't...help.

[Eidolon]

Today's a dealing with anger about the unfairness of some things day, I think. Just very frustrated that I have to piece everything back together through structural dissociation and right now I'm frustrated, but I don't know exactly why. I think it's because it feels like I'm not being listened to while I'm in here- sort of like the therapist is projecting her wants and needs onto me. I know they want me to be more independent but right now I just want to go home and rest. I was doing well with not smoking, but some of the things here are making me want to pick it up again. The CBT isn't very effective because I feel like I'm numb right now. Working through the packets helps some.

Hoping to thaw out again soon to deal with things. Thank you for the kind words, Armadillo.

[Armadillo]

 

Anger is good!!!!! You should probably feel anger about all those things!

And even though they aren't giving you the therapy that will really heal you there, you seem to be doing a good job making the best use of your time there to work on healing yourself.

Will you have a good trauma therapist when you leave? 

[Eidolon]

Anger is good!!!!! You should probably feel anger about all those things!

And even though they aren't giving you the therapy that will really heal you there, you seem to be doing a good job making the best use of your time there to work on healing yourself.

Will you have a good trauma therapist when you leave? 

Thank you. I'm hoping to get a good EMDR/trauma specialized therapist. I know I'm in an emotional flashback right now and actually managed to work through some of the anger to the extent of almost-crying, so that must be progress. Reading about emotional flashbacks always makes me think, "I'm so sorry" and made me realize how frozen I've been the entire time. A big hidden fawn response behind a fragile fight response- I don't like being angry, even if I let myself feel it sometimes. It's never confrontational anger, but a lot of internalized anger at how I was treated/how others are treated. A lot of "it's not fair" feelings and wanting to help other people as a response. Being the scapegoat shaped a lot of it. Some back pain today to go along with the emotional flashback so I know I'm reliving *TW* physical abuse from my half-brother. Part of me is angry at myself for not telling anyone but if I had, I don't think they would have done anything. Some day my back won't hurt as much and some day, I won't worry about bed-frames or if what I'm feeling is the "right thing" to feel.

[Armadillo]

 

I'm sorry you are having the emotional and body flashbacks and that you were abused and couldn't tell anyone.

You can tell the right people now, when it isn't too much.

[Eidolon]

TW for mentions of abuse again- and thank you for being patient with me.

Part of me wants to fight against compassion because of a wounded inner child; the other part wants to be comforted. I'm dealing with knowing that my mother knew something was going on but did nothing; and that my sibling enjoyed throwing me against things and hitting me. Still slightly dissociated right now because of it. I just don't understand how I lived through it and came out differently to them. I don't have the same violent impulses they did, and some of me wants to cry for them, too. I don't want to blame my siblings for what they did. I want to forgive them but I don't know how to. The abuse shaped me as a person to always want to apologize and that was used against me. There are so many people I want to apologize to, even if I don't "need" to. I'm missing memories of most of my high school years, and they weren't that long ago.

I think the pain in my back will go away sometime but I don't know exactly when. I feel like it broke some of my bones but I never went to the doctor to check what happened. I just remember hitting the bed frame and the floor, and gasping for air. I don't understand why I feel the need to apologize instead, but it's a feeling that's there. Maybe something happened to him that I just didn't know about. Feeling a little lost in all of it. I know he was the golden child, but there's no feeling of wanting to compete for NM's love anymore. Just a coldness and sadness that he felt the need to do that. I want to know why we couldn't play normal games. I want to know why I had to be hurt for him to have fun, and why he wanted to make my pain a "good thing" by being proud of the injuries he caused. Why he wanted me to be proud of it, too, when I never was and always left the basement with new bruises. I don't know if he really deserves forgiveness but there's an old pain in my chest that says I didn't deserve it, so why'd it happen?

Maybe I'll never know. I was hurt like that again in high school; people cut my legs and made it into a "good thing", a bonding type of environment. I just don't understand why they wanted to hurt me.

[Armadillo]

Oh, E. I don't know why they wanted to hurt you. But I know, and you know, you didn't deserve it. It was something wrong in them, not you. You did not cause this.
I don't know why you felt the need to apologize then (and now, while you are reliving that)....but it makes sense to me. Apologizing must have played some role in helping you feel safer.

The anger belongs there too, though. You can feel angry and hurt and still also feel compassion for the hurt part of your abusers that did this if you need to or want to.

But whether they had their own wounds or not, you didn't deserve to be treated like that, it was wrong for you to be treated like that, and you get to feel how you feel about that. And it was very wrong of your mother to do nothing, and also very wrong to divide her children up into golden child and the one who it's ok to abuse. It was all wrong. You were not wrong. You are not wrong. It's not your fault.

You probably don't need to apologize anymore? Especially not here, to us. K? It helped you survive then.

[Eidolon]

Apologies for the delay- I was able to get some food from a restaurant, so that's a happy moment for me today. There's some sunburn going on which is keeping me somewhat re-associated. Lots of feelings in my stomach. A nervousness/unease. I think I got used to apologizing for everything because that was easier than acknowledging that it wasn't my fault. Not a surface level knowing, but a deeper knowing that if I wanted the pain to stop, fawning was safer. I remember making ramen for my half-brothers and going hungry instead. I was the youngest, neither of them knew how to work the stove but I figured it out. My ribs hurt a bit now- assuming that's another body memory. There's absolutely structural dissociation going on. I think there's shame about it, and a wanting to cry, but no tears are coming out.

Thank you for being understanding about it. I'm not used to feeling like the hurting wasn't my fault. I remember going to a therapist early in my life and when they asked me my thoughts, I told them they were, "you always mess up." They weren't in I's, but in you's. I'm not quite sure when that started but it was something I was told frequently. The overall message was that I was bad, and the things I did were always wrong regardless of what it was. I remember being told *TW* I'd make a horrible mother, for no reason. By my own abusive mother. There was a lot of projection. She wanted to be an "energy healer" and was into reiki, so there's some dissociation around that, too. Things have to get easier at some point.

I want to tell myself it wasn't that bad but it clearly was; if it "wasn't that bad", I wouldn't feel this way.

[Armadillo]

It was that bad. It won't always be this bad. It never was your fault. You will make an amazing mother one day if that's what you want. No doubt about it.

[Eidolon]

It was that bad. It won't always be this bad. It never was your fault. You will make an amazing mother one day if that's what you want. No doubt about it.

I appreciate it a lot. I think I've earned a little bit of a rest today- that was all a lot to process, and I'm sure there's more crying to be done about it but maybe I'm not quite ready. It takes time to cry about different things- lots of dissociation around instances in particular. 

[Eidolon]

Depression melange today around the EAC. It feels a little bit like the custody battle when I was a kid, so I'm struggling to figure out how to deal with it. I've never been away from my dad for so long and with my therapist trying to push me away from him/be more independent, I'm struggling some. The thing I'd like most in the world is to go home right now, but that's not what they're recommending. Supposed to go to a group home instead- don't want to do that. Some light dissociation and somatic symptoms. Here's to hoping things go quickly.

[Armadillo]

Do you trust yourself Eidolon?

Has your dad caused harm to you or is he a place of safety? Or is it a mix?

I trust you to listen to the body, listen the mind, listen to the therapist and make the best decision for you.  No one should take away that power or make you feel like a helpless pawn again.

[Eidolon]

Do you trust yourself Eidolon?

Has your dad caused harm to you or is he a place of safety? Or is it a mix?

I trust you to listen to the body, listen the mind, listen to the therapist and make the best decision for you.  No one should take away that power or make you feel like a helpless pawn again.

I trust myself and I trust my dad. There was one incident between myself and my dad because we were both going through suicidal ideation; I don't think it would happen again. I also managed to cry today over neglect from when I was a child (on my mother's side), so there's compassion building for the inner child. C-PTSD memes have been helping some. I'm hoping to get on disability at some point soon because I know I'm sensitive to other people's reactions and would probably break down from stress. Mixture of a place of safety; he's learning at about the same rate I am what kind of therapies would be helpful, how to grieve, and things like that. We're not talking at the moment (I can email him but he can't email back.)

Grieved today over neglect- a lack of food- when I was around 10 or so. There's tension in my knees and temples today. Writing things out helps some, too. Hoping to speak to my therapist about my co-lead soon (a presentation on symptoms. I think I can do that.) Haven't had trauma-focused therapy and I'm in a bit of an emotional flashback at the moment, but I'm making it through fairly well.

[Armadillo]

I hope you are able to find the best place for yourself to focus on your recovery, E. I guess in your therapist's shoes I might be a little bit worried, too. But I trust you. Just keep in mind what you need, not what anyone else needs.

Disability is a good plan for now and once you're more healed you'll be able to handle stress safely. You've got this. You are definitely worth getting healed.

[Eidolon]

I hope you are able to find the best place for yourself to focus on your recovery, E. I guess in your therapist's shoes I might be a little bit worried, too. But I trust you. Just keep in mind what you need, not what anyone else needs.

Disability is a good plan for now and once you're more healed you'll be able to handle stress safely. You've got this. You are definitely worth getting healed.

I'm hoping to move some place where I can make rose tea- something I've been craving recently after chewing on rose petals. Maybe with a bit of milk. They don't let us do that here, everything is made by staff. I don't really want to complain about that (I'm fortunate to be in a place where people are making food and coffee), but I'd certainly like to make things for myself.

Hoping for good dreams for everyone. Thank you for always being supportive, Armadillo. Lots of crying today and I feel like there will be more tonight after meditation. That's when I cry the most.

https://youtu.be/8rIjsa85UVk <- a song recommendation. Recovery is slow and unsteady at first, then there are big leaps and jumps. Working towards forgiving myself and others right now.