Anyone Else in Acute Care? TW

[Jazzy]

Glad to hear from you Eidolon! It sounds like you're making good decisions to take care of yourself, even though they're difficult. That shows a lot of strength, and I really respect you for it. Great job! 

Sorry to hear about the eating disorder popping up. Those are nasty, but it's good you recognize it so quickly. 

[Eidolon]

Welcome back! I feel a bit relieved about your decision. It sounds like that will be the healthiest for both of you for awhile. I'm glad you are being gentle with yourself for the coping mechanisms. I don't have an ED but I slipped easily into not eating for most of a week when I was reliving some physical triggers. I have full confidence you can and will get your eating back to normal quickly if you just kind of roll with it and keep health and balance in mind as your ultimate goal.

Thank you for the kind welcome. That's what I used to do! I'd just forget to eat, or be distracted by other things (drawing, video games, forums). It's not a conscious thing- or at least, it wasn't when I was younger. Now it fuels my inner critic a little bit more than I'd like.   Things have been relatively slow in here, so there's less stress and less reason to engage in SH. I'm just glad to be able to use the forum again after the internet went down.

Dissociation has just been feeling sleepy for the most part; not complete numbness. I think that's progress.

[Jazzy]

That's great progress! Good job!

[Eidolon]

Whew, been a while. Identifying different parts that act up at different times has helped. Multiple child parts that want to make themselves known, increased dissociation as a result of things here (being constantly watched makes me anxious.) Definitive anger and hurt at PA from my childhood and some body aches. It feels like I slept the day away but I've been awake the whole time. A lot of fear and uncertainty regarding where I'm going next and how to act around people.

One thing that has helped is music; although I don't get to listen to it as much as I used to. Some hidden shame. Imagery has helped lead parts away from the internal place I refer to as "the basement." Parts that are angry or confused, other times hurt and sad when I think I'm numb. Sometimes I am and I just have to live with it, but usually there's something more to it. Working on not triggering myself to feel things (which is a bit tempting.) That's about all.

[Armadillo]

 

Good to hear from you.

ETA: you gave me a craving for rose tea and I found some rose buds in a persian store this weekend. Made the tea today and it was very comforting. I wish I could send you a steaming warm cup.

[Eidolon]

Good to hear from you.

ETA: you gave me a craving for rose tea and I found some rose buds in a persian store this weekend. Made the tea today and it was very comforting. I wish I could send you a steaming warm cup.

I'm glad you had rose tea! I've yet to have any, although that's one of the things I am looking forward to when I get out.

Had some relief today in the form of resolving an emotional flashback that led to numbness, though I think that's to avoid the feeling of fear. I know I'm anxious and that it could be depression. Hoping to become more active on the forum again.

[Blueberry]

Good to hear from you again, Eidolon, and read about your continued progress 

[Eidolon]

Thank you BB!

Slow progress in leaps; I've been reading and rereading Surviving to Thriving and debating picking up Janina Fisher's book. Hoping for things to move smoothly here in acute care. We're going to be having a salad today from greens grown in the garden!

ETA: We did not have a salad but the day was still good with pasta for dinner!

[Not Alone]

Good to hear from you, Eidolon. 

[Eidolon]

thank you notalone!

Learned something new about myself today. It feels like I start avoiding other people as a safety mechanism, and looking back at high school I can definitely see it. I never thought of myself as someone who hides but that's definitely what I started doing- fragile self esteem, trying very hard to be liked but at the same time if I'm noticed, I get the urge to sleep/hide. It took a little bit to work through an EF based around being cold/damp (the basement), and I know there's structural dissociation. Like, the first half of the day just seems to vanish around dinner time. I spend a lot of the day feeling tired. The good news is, I got a long walk in!

Another thing I noticed: I start most days feeling anxious/fearful without knowing the reason why. Still figuring that out; I think it's progress. May be related to starting the day around a bunch of people?

[Armadillo]

I'm sorry you've had some yucky EFs around cold and damp and the basement. That sounds like a tough one. That avoidance of people, closeness, being seen...I think we all relate.   

[Jazzy]

This is tremendous progress Eidolon! Congratulations!

I hope you find a way to peacefully come to terms with these realizations and implement new behaviours to replace them with healthier ways of living.

[Hope67]

Hi Eidolon,
I also relate to what you wrote about avoidance of people, closeness and being seen.   
Hope 

[Jazzy]

EIdolon: are you still in acute care? I was just in something like that (not sure which words to use to describe it that won't be triggering), so I'd love to discuss the experience with you, as someone who can relate.

It was so extremely challenging for me. I hope you're doing well. 

<3 Niko

[Eidolon]

Thank you! I'm grateful that other people relate and can share their experiences- I noticed things like compliments make me uncomfortable, and I hide for a little while after receiving any. Kicked myself into gear today to respond to the kind messages (been hiding a little bit.)

I am still in acute care, Niko! Every day feels almost the same so it feels difficult to notice any progress, but I know I'm making some. I hope everybody's doing okay!

ETA: Today I had a chance to think about why I'm so dissociated and realized there's a lot of lingering resentment towards myself. Sometimes, it's things as simple as realizing how easily upset I was as a preteen and that I had to numb things down to feel "strong"- that I would get upset at myself if I wasn't numb, until it didn't feel like there was much left. Resentment towards crying in particular- I hated crying in front of people. I have hope that it won't always be like that (and I think I could spend time figuring out where I got the idea from.) Taking it easy today.