Armadillo's Journal *TW: suicide, self-harm*

[Armadillo]

5. Angel's Landing

So after that first therapist, things seemed... ok.  He seemed ok. I took comfort in the therapist's opinion and discounted my fears as being maybe a bit more reactive because of what I went through as a kid.

We went on a nice spring break road trip after that to Zion National Park in Utah (US). My son and all of us just loved it. It was so beautiful. We had younger sis with us, and she's a bit wild so we stuck with easy hikes but my son really wanted to head back to hike the Narrows and Angel's Landing.

This made me so happy because he was happy and looking forward to things and making plans. And nature...it's so good for our mental health. So we started making plans for him to return with Dad for his 11th birthday.

Then a month or so later I got a call from the mom of one of my son's classmates. Her daughter had overheard my son talking with another kid. He had suicide plans.

Wow. That didn't just break my heart it broke me. Plans are different than wanting to die.

The mom continued to tell me his plans. He was going to jump off Angel's Landing on his 11th birthday. I thanked her for telling me, reassured her I had experience with dealing with suicide, and hung up.

The next few days I desperately tried to find a therapist. That was hands down the hardest thing I have ever had to do. Calling randomly on the phone, saying my 10 yr old has plans to kill himself and can you please help him. And all I was getting in return AFTER going through the painful story was: "I'm sorry I don't treat that problem" or "I'm sorry I don't work with that age group" or "I'm sorry I'm not accepting new clients."

Eventually I found someone through a friend. When I talked with him on the phone he took it seriously but also confidently. Yes we need to be careful given the family history. Yes I can help you. Yes I know how to fix this. It will be ok.

My son connected with him and his dog. He worked with him for 6 months and came out a different kid. That was 4 years ago. Even through the pandemic and lockdown...he's good. He's happy. I'm relieved.

But as I admitted to some friends: I was NOT ok. I was broken. Night after night I sat in a corner of my living room floor dissociated. I'd make it through the day somehow but after that just shutdown and panic were my two states. With my mom and Father In Law's histories, I thought: I will NEVER not be afraid for him. I panicked going to work. Every day. I panicked when he was late getting home. I panicked if he was unhappy. I panicked if he got a bad grade. A headache. I panicked if I heard a chair skooch across the floor. I could not parent being so afraid of upsetting him. Nightmares. I needed help. I did not think about getting help though for this because I did not think for one second I even had the option of not being panicked about this. I would ALWAYS live in terror of someone I love killing themselves. Of it being my fault.

[Armadillo]

6. A Friend and an Ex

At the same time an old friend from college popped up in my inbox. He wanted me to use my career position to help him with something. I offered some advice but not what he wanted. It escalates to suicide threats. He was so desperate if I didn't help him in this unethical way he was going to kill himself. I of course wanted desperately to stop this to fix it to save him so I got too involved. He was in another country one without mental health services. It became very manipulative but I couldn't see that. So I was just enmeshed in this. It was everywhere I turned. Oh, I had also found out somewhere in there an ex-boyfriend had jumped in front of a train. There's more. Jeez I'm not done yet.

[Armadillo]

Armadillo, I don't have a lot to say right now, but you're doing great sharing things that you've been struggling with for so long, despite your own fears. You're also doing a wonderful job of stopping when it becomes too much (dissociation).

Thanks Jazzy. That means a lot. I'm trying and realizing that the way to start feeling emotions instead of hating myself is to just go slow and stay within that window of tolerance.

[PhoenixA]

Wow Armadillo that is a LOT to process and try to live with.  I am so sorry you have held all this pain alone for so long.  Very glad that you're able to start sharing some of it here with us.   We can hold space for you here so you can share at your own pace and as you say, stay within your window of tolerance.

As to words having power, I can relate to that.  I was both emotionally and physically abused (apart from the RA) and I would 100% rather be physically assaulted than emotionally assaulted.  The emotional wounds are so deep and pervasive and no one can see them.  At least broken bones heal with time and are visible evidence of the damage done.  I am glad you are able to acknowledge the power that words have and my biggest hope for you is that you find ways to make words work as tools of healing power.

As someone who was also raised by a mentally ill mother who was undiagnosed (certainly BPD ++) and made me the parent long before I was able to be I can relate to how deep this fear and damage runs. The 'if only's' drove me for a VERY long time and that line from The Wall really speaks to me "Momma put all her fears into you", as does the song "Because of You", especially the line "and now I cry for the same **** things".

My mother has been gone now for over 10 years and I cannot tell you the relief I felt when she died (and the underlying low-grade guilt for being relieved).  To this day she is the most prolific negative voice in my head, but at least her voice is getting much weaker.

I applaud your courage in speaking out here and hope that this is cathartic for you.  I'm so glad you have a good support with your T.  Very much looking forward to witnessing your healing journey.

Sitting with you - with your permission - in your fears and holding space for you to process in whatever way helps you the most.

[PhoenixA]

Something else I wanted to add. Thank you Armadillo for advocating and standing up for your son and getting him help. That is not an easy thing to do especially when dealing with your own trauma.

And thank you for being one to break the generational cycle of trauma as well!  That's huge. I hope if nothing else you can see what big pieces those are in your story that you've shared so far.

[Armadillo]

PhoenixA thank you for the empathy, encouragement and kindness. It means a lot. You know, you see all these painful things people have gone through here and well yeah...I feel like this is not that bad and get over it and stuff. And you've just reminded myself to be kind to myself. Thanks.

But the most meaningful thing you said...about helping my son and breaking the cycle. Thank you. Brings tears to my eyes in a good way because that is the single most important thing to me...breaking this cycle and helping my kids be safe, healthy, and happy.

[Not Alone]

Something else I wanted to add. Thank you Armadillo for advocating and standing up for your son and getting him help. That is not an easy thing to do especially when dealing with your own trauma.

And thank you for being one to break the generational cycle of trauma as well!  That's huge. I hope if nothing else you can see what big pieces those are in your story that you've shared so far.

I agree!!!

[Armadillo]

Part 7. No therapy for me


My mom went to therapy when I was a kid. Through the self harm and suicide threats. I remember her therapy journals about talking about how she would kill herself at the therapist's house.

I remember one time she was leaving the house late in the evening and I asked her "when are you going to be back?" and she angrily said "I. Don't. Know." Then I asked "where are you going mom?" She screamed at me "none of your goddamed business" and slammed the door and left.

My memory tagged that for a long time that I was a * for asking because i remembered that I probably KNEW she was going to therapy so why was I being a * and asking? Later (when triggered by my therapist going on vacation and not knowing when he was coming back)...I had a more complete version of that memory complete with emotions. It was a trip...I've never had a memory with emotions before?

Anyway I realized how I probably did know she was going to therapy and I wanted to know how long to expect her to be gone, so I'd have some time bounds on when I should worry. I was terrified that she was going to go and kill herself and not come back. I wasn't being a *, I was a scared kid, alone with this huge responsibility and no power.

The other association I had with therapy was that just one time my mom dragged me and my sis to her therapist for a family talk. She never acknowledged what was happening and I was terrified of showing any emotions about it.

Anger or disappointment were scary cause they might trigger her, and sadness and fear were so so painful to admit or show because it made her happy I was sad or scared but didn't stop the behavior so it made me feel hurt and powerless.

So I find myself in a therapy room with her and my sis. It feels dangerous. The therapist starts with my older sis and asks her what she thinks about "what's going on with your mom" and she was always aggressively angry and blunt so her answer was not what he was looking for to get things started. Bless her I love her. So so much.

Then he turned to me. So small and cautious and frightened and asked me the same question. I just remember feeling so trapped and not knowing what was safe to say. Then I made some weird animal wail and my recollection is feeling like I was hit by lightening...everything going dark, and I don't remember anything that happened after that except a vague sensation of walking out of the building to the car after awhile. I know now that what happened was dissociation. I had no idea then what had happened. I didn't know what it was until I started going to therapy myself when I was just a couple months shy of 40. 

[Armadillo]

 

Thank you notalone. I love my kids so much.

[Not Alone]

   Armadillo, I have tears in my eyes from reading your last post. I have so many emotions. My biggest feeling is of wanting to take that little girl on my lap, wrap my arms around her and hold her and comfort her.

[Eidolon]

I'm so sorry for what you went through, Armadillo. You didn't deserve to have to deal with your mother at all. It wasn't fair to you.

[Armadillo]

Thank you Eidolon and notalone. It really means a lot and is very healing to hear these things from you all. I don't know all you've been through but it sounds like...a LOT. And probably like many others on here...i think..."I didn't have it that bad, so what is WRONG with me that this is so hard to get over." So this empathy from all of you is really validating to the extreme and helps me feel kinder toward myself. Thank you. 

[Armadillo]

Part 8. Cracks

I have to rewind a little bit and explain that the 2 or 3 year period before my son started talking about suicide was very rough for me, though I was in complete denial....not intentionally but just completely unaware, you know?

I decided I wanted to go to grad school, while working, and I wanted to rush through to try to qualify for a career that had age limits and a degree requirement. At the same time that I got accepted into the grad school program, I found out that my mom had stage 3 breast cancer. She lives alone, has no friends or other support, and I'm the only family nearby. But at that point in my life I felt pretty confident that I could handle it all.

And I did. In the end I graduated in less than 2 yrs with a 3.9 GPA. Kids had less mom time than they wanted but I still took good care of them. Took my mom to radiation, chemo, surgery. And dealt with a lot of the other stuff that comes with caretaking someone like her.

But after the cancer treatment was complete she fell a couple times and broke her back, lied about it, and wouldn't see a doctor. Just laid on the couch barely able to move. For a month. When I found out how bad it was I took a day off work and forced her to a clinic which set off a whole series of appointments to try to figure out what was wrong. Cause she wouldn't say she fell! So many appointments. For so many days. So much time off work. Hospital trips. Doctors thinking her cancer came back.

All based on lies. Then the pain was so bad she had to be on hardcore pain meds which interacted with other meds. She was a complete risk for her to live alone for awhile. She couldn't even operate a phone. So I told her she had to come stay with me for awhile.

Many days I'd take the kids to school, spend the day at medical appointments for my mom, pick up my kids in the late afternoon, take my online classes while making dinner, spend time with the kids and put them to bed, work from 9 to midnight, then move on to school work from midnight to 2am, and then watch a couple comedy shows to unwind before sleeping a few hours.

All while having my biggest trigger in my space. She could tell it was so much work for me and she appeared to absolutely delight in me bending over backwards for her during this time. Having her near me even on decent behavior makes me very stressed and extremely uncomfortable and there she was all the time. I was a total mess. Her behavior and lies were awful. Her pain was awful. The medications were awful and I found out eventually she was not taking any of her psychiatric medication.

This period of time strained our relationship so much that when she went to live back at her own home I could barely speak to her. And this came with a lot of fear....she's going to die or commit suicide and it'll be all my fault. I spent a few months in low contact with her, feeling extremely guilty, ashamed, and terrified but also angry underneath it all and hurt.

My husband didn't understand her impacts on me at the time and wanted me to just be nice and do whatever she needed. So I felt extra ashamed that I couldn't do that. I didn't know at the time so he couldn't either that this was trauma and PTSD and triggers.

A couple months into this is when my son started talking about wanting to die. It was a situation that would have been extremely distressing to any parent. But for me it came on top of my own unrecognized trauma, active present moment triggers from that person and the backdrop that my father in law...my son's grandpa...had died by suicide.

I was a mess but I really had no understanding for myself of what was happening. I didn't have the language of PTSD to apply to myself, I didn't understand or know about dissociation let alone have any awareness I was triggered and majorly dissociated, and I felt nothing except shame and guilt and fear,  and total complete overwhelm. Nonstop. Literally nonstop for a year.

Finally, as my son was wrapping up with therapy and was deemed all better, I approached his therapist to see if he could recommend someone for me to see....to help me set boundaries with my mom. He very wisely suggested himself and my son generously agreed that would be ok with him too. I expected a couple months working with him at most.

I didn't even think to ask about healing my suicide fears because it did not seem at all like even a remote possibility I could ever live free of this fear. I would always be terrified of someone I love killing themselves. There's no fixing that. And I was so dissociated and numb without knowing it I had no idea there was anything else wrong. I was happy. My life was good. All good here. 

[Eidolon]

Armadillo, that sounds incredibly difficult to live through. I've been through something similar- it's one of the roughest things in life, to have a parent like that. Self neglect/self abandonment is one of my biggest fleas and I feel like it was one of yours, too. Please be compassionate towards yourself in these times. You're doing a great job at journaling!

[Armadillo]

Thank you for the reminder Eidolon. It's easier to take it in from you all than from others. Yes. I neglect myself.  More than that I'm just mean to myself. I'm sorry you went through similar on top of everything else, E. I hope there is just a whole world of peace waiting for you once you get through these memories.