Hi Everyone

[shuffles]

Hi everyone, it's nice to meet you all. This is my first time making any sort of post online in a really long time so I'm pretty excited. I first found out about CPTSD about 2 years ago and it definitely felt like it was me. I brought it up with my therapist, who had actually never heard of it before, but after looking into it she definitely agreed. My trauma started with me having an abusive childhood which left a lot of damage on me that I never realized. As a kid you don't really realize that things are bad since that's all you know of life.

Things got better for me after high school for awhile, at least a couple of years, and I thought I was doing okay. Then I had some traumatic experiences with people I considered extremely close friends, which I was still able to get through, as I was starting at a new university soon.

The experience turned out to be completely different than what I expected, and this combined with isolation from my friends started to really affect me, which I unfortunately didn't realize at the time. All the issues I never addressed from my childhood came back plus interest, and that combined with the trauma from the experience with my friends sunk me to new lows. I started medication, something I thought I'd never do, and found a hobby I really loved doing which finally had me beginning to feel complete again.

Unfortunately, COVID happened, and I was unable to do any of what I previously enjoyed doing. My school insurance ran out so I stopped seeing my therapist, and I got a job which was terrible for me as it had a real strict working environment and my interactions with my boss brought back flashbacks of my childhood, which brought up even more trauma. This combined with the mental damage from the pandemic completely broke me down and I started having severe anxiety and depression which completely destroyed my memory. I ended up quitting the job after 4 months as it was literally becoming hazardous to my health.

I started a new job which I'm currently at right now, but it's also taking a toll on my mental health. I'm getting to my fifth month and am trying to stick it out, but lately I've been feeling extremely disassociated and on the verge of a mental breakdown. My already terrible memory has been getting even worse and anxiety has been crippling, to the point where it's hard for me to even talk to people on the phone. I have amazing friends who have been incredibly supportive and are always here for me, but I live alone and we are all busy with our lives and jobs. Additionally, they themselves do not have personal experiences with mental illness, so they feel helpless at times on how to help me.

I don't have a significant other for company, so I've gone entire weekends without talking to someone, and I have an internalized abusive voice stemming from my childhood, which constantly breaks me down and tears me apart with no one to distract me from it.

While I've been in a really bad place, finding this community is giving me some hope. I haven't been social online after a traumatic online experience, but I actually went through with making an account and this post because I'm honestly excited to begin to heal, something I really hope I can do with this community. My mind is a mess so it's been hard to consistently stick with a method for recovery and healing, but I am completely open to suggestions from all of you who are more familiar with CPTSD than I am.

I just checked some of the other introduction posts and realized my post is wayyy longer than the rest, so thank you if you've made it this far, I'm looking forward to healing with you all! I hope we can all get better and achieve the peace and happiness we all deserve.

[Hope67]

Welcome Shuffles 
Hope 

[Blue Rose]

Hey shuffles, welcome and good to see you. I just wanted to say I so relate to the crippling anxiety that makes it hard to even talk to people on the phone. Also I find my efforts at recovery and healing can get hijacked just trying to survive each minute. But I'm hoping that coming here to OOTS will keep me on track at least with self-compassion for my CPTSD and I hope that for you too.

[Armadillo]

It's not too long, it's perfect. Welcome. it has been a tough year for you and the fact you are still hanging in there and reaching out for support and taking that risk shows just how much strength you have to pour into your recovery.

[Kizzie]

Hi and a very warm welcome to OOTS Shuffles     Glad you found your way to us because it does help in not feeling quite so alone and bonus, chatting with others who totally get what you're sharing about is so validating and reassuring.  That for me was and is the best feeling, like a big cyber hug and a sense finally of not being so different. 

I hope your experience here is a positive and healing one 

[Not Alone]

Welcome Shuffles.  So glad you found OOTS and that you posted. Your post is not too long.

[Blueberry]

Hello Shuffles, welcome to OOTS 

[Jazzy]

Hi Shuffles, and welcome!

I have a habit of writing long posts too, so don't worry, you're not the only one! I'm really glad you're excited about finding this community. While it sounds like you've been through some very difficult things, and life is still really challenging right now, I see a lot of hope in your post, and that's great.

Thanks for sharing with us! Remembering, understanding, and processing things that happened in the past is an important part of healing, and it can be helpful to share with others. If you would like to write more, please feel free to start a journal here. I have a few, and so do others. It was difficult for me to write some of those things, but very helpful overall.

I hear you that your mind is a mess, which makes it more challenging to "do what you're supposed to do". That's understandable considering the things you've been through, and how things you're going through now is triggering memories, and likely emotional flashbacks. You mentioned that voice in your head that breaks you down. I think we're all familiar with that, unfortunately. For me, it has been very important to treat myself the opposite way. I need to be understanding and compassionate towards myself, and teach my mind that there is a better way to deal with things than that voice.

All the best to you, and I hope your healing journey goes well. There is a lot of good people and information here you may find helpful. Please take your time to look around and reach out.

[shuffles]

Thanks Hope, notalone, Blueberry, and everyone for the warm welcome!

Blue Rose: I'm rooting for you! I completely relate with recovery efforts being completely undone by just trying to survive, one thing a friend told me recently is that recovery will not be a singular event, but a process. The process will consist of both ebbs and flows, progress and regression, but it will always be ongoing. We'll have days where we make progress, others where our progress will feel completely negated, and still others where we reset and feel like we're back at square one. Typing this now is making me realize I think I'm back at square one, but what's important is we keep moving forward. Keep at it, we can do this!

• I looked at your posts and see that you were raised by a narcissistic mother. I have a similar situation of being raised by a narcissist, which is the reason for this harsh inner voice that prevents self-compassion. One of the things my therapist would always tell me is to not be so hard on myself (my friends always tell me this as well). Speaking from personal experience, this is much easier said than done (which is why it's something my therapist would always have to repeat), but if this is related to your self-compassion, I hope that you too are not too hard on yourself. We're all learning and trying to better ourselves as people in order to progress, and we are doing this with a fundamentally altered perspective which makes this process even tougher. Be understanding of yourself, be kind to yourself, you deserve it!

Armadillo: Thank you, I really needed that and appreciate the support.

Kizzie: Thank you, I'm already feeling less alone!

Jazzy: Thank you so much for the kind words and especially the journal suggestion. Yeah this inner voice is terrible, the first therapist I saw told me that it was an internalized abusive figure who raised me. I hope that you have been able to receive lots of support in your life so you can recognize the inner voice as as the foreign entity it is. You don't deserve the harsh things it tells you, you deserve the kind words of support those who want to help you tell you! I've had a long day so it's a bit hard to express my thoughts but I hope I'm getting the point across.

• I saw your journal entry about altruism and wanted to give my thoughts. A lot of people and friends would describe me as an extremely nice person, to the point where it becomes detrimental as I almost always put others before myself. It sounds like you may have similar qualities from your post. I've had the same thoughts about whether I'm nice for others because I want to be, or if it's for myself and therefore selfish because it makes me feel good, thereby making me "bad" because this niceness is "fake". Being selfish is not necessarily a bad thing; we need to be selfish in order to take care of ourselves as we all have our own needs that we must prioritize. However, in my case, I'm so selfless because I've viewed any form of selfishness as "bad", but again, selfishness is not inherently bad, as again, there are things we must do for ourselves. Therefore, if how we choose to be selfish is by helping others, is that really a bad thing? Again, it's been a long day and I've spent a lot of time on this post, so I hope it makes sense.

[Jazzy]

Your post is very kind shuffles, thank you. I appreciate the time and effort you put in to it, especially after a long day.

Thankfully, both of my sisters married men who are good guys, so they have been a positive brotherly influence in my life which is extremely helpful. I hope you're getting some good support, and realize that you don't deserve what your IC tells you either!

Thank you as well for your thoughts on altruism. It is a complex topic. At this point, I believe it is critically important to take good care of oneself. That may sound selfish, but I don't think it is. We can best help others, when we're at our own best. So, constantly focusing on ourselves and our own desires may be selfish, but improving ourselves, then sharing our time (compassion, empathy, actions etc.) with others is not. Personally, I was taught a lot of very bad things, and my general understanding of pretty much everything was quite twisted. This led me to believe things like basic self-care was selfish and bad, but I've learned (and still am learning) better!

I'm glad to see that you are learning to see things in a better way too. It sounds like you're well on your way to making some positive changes in your life. Keep up the good work! I hope your days get easier soon.

EDIT: Just adding a bit.

I realize that people with CPTSD have been badly wounded, and it is likely best for them to focus on themselves until they are in a better place. Even this, I would say, is not selfish. Take care of yourself, and when you are better, then you can take care of others. In my opinion, when it becomes selfish is when you can help someone, while remaining healthy yourself, but don't.

[shuffles]

Your post is very kind shuffles, thank you. I appreciate the time and effort you put in to it, especially after a long day.

Thankfully, both of my sisters married men who are good guys, so they have been a positive brotherly influence in my life which is extremely helpful. I hope you're getting some good support, and realize that you don't deserve what your IC tells you either!

Thank you as well for your thoughts on altruism. It is a complex topic. At this point, I believe it is critically important to take good care of oneself. That may sound selfish, but I don't think it is. We can best help others, when we're at our own best. So, constantly focusing on ourselves and our own desires may be selfish, but improving ourselves, then sharing our time (compassion, empathy, actions etc.) with others is not. Personally, I was taught a lot of very bad things, and my general understanding of pretty much everything was quite twisted. This led me to believe things like basic self-care was selfish and bad, but I've learned (and still am learning) better!

I'm glad to see that you are learning to see things in a better way too. It sounds like you're well on your way to making some positive changes in your life. Keep up the good work! I hope your days get easier soon.

EDIT: Just adding a bit.

I realize that people with CPTSD have been badly wounded, and it is likely best for them to focus on themselves until they are in a better place. Even this, I would say, is not selfish. Take care of yourself, and when you are better, then you can take care of others. In my opinion, when it becomes selfish is when you can help someone, while remaining healthy yourself, but don't.

Yes! You perfectly captured the point I was trying to make regarding altruism, my brain was a potato by the time I made my post so I wasn't sure if I'd be able to get it across. And I definitely agree with you on how important it is to take care of ourselves, I'm in the same boat as you with regards to how I used to think putting myself before others in terms of self-care is bad and am trying to get past this way of thinking. You're not alone!

Thank you for the kind words, I'm really glad to hear you have great positive influences in your life now and are able to recover from the past. It gives me hope that I can one day get better too, so I'm trying to keep my head up as much as I can.