more recovery stuff

[jamesG.1]

Some further thoughts.

Big changes continue, with a major shift in mood as lockdown eases, the weather lifts and the cogs start moving again.

Interestingly, despite the winter being an absolute horror mood wise, this next stage is seeing a massive lift in my symptoms. C-PTSD is so nuanced tho, so its often hard to track and vocalise these shifting changes and I can see whay people rarely explain the point where a mnetal issue lifts and dissapates. My perceptions seem to be changing all the time as the wieght of the past falls away and my mind becomes free to take different paths to interpretation of the present. Often these differences are just feelings, a new lightness in being around other people, finding yourself with more energy than you expect at the end of the day because you've been able to stop thinking so hard, or flashbacks to the times in your past that were positive rather than negative.

For me, the thing that has been huge in all this is letting go of the hope that the specators and friends who'd been present but either negligent concerning support, or lazily judgemntal of my actions in response to events. Dealing with extremes is bad enough, but dealing with them not just alone, but under critical appraisal is soul sapping. I can see now that I've been desperate to alter these perceptions and have sought validation from people that were never going to give it.

Sadly, I didn't always manage this well and I think my desperation worked against me. But we are human, are we not? Who is born knowing how to please your critical audience while your life falls to pieces? I mean... really?

But it did hurt, and mostly it probably always will, but in the last few months, especially after reading Derren Brown's book "happy" I just stopped doing this. At that point things really began picking up for me. It felt very odd to stop chasing people up on social media, but it was a circle of negativity I just had to stop.

Lockdown has helped this for sure, initially forcing a slowdown in connections, making my new relationship centre stage and pushing the past into the shadows, but now, after 13 months I have a lot less desire to fire off my distress flares.

I really think that trauma is cemented in place by it's bystanders, the people who leave these yawning spaces where intervention and support should be. C-PTSD mangles your self worth, turns your ideas about decency, morality and fairness on it's head and often it could so easily have been softened, if not stopped altogether, by the intervention and support from family, friends and community close enough to see what was happening.

For me, the reason this was so severe is that every one of the four pillars of my life, family, partner, work, friends, all of them were the issue itself, and none could be anything useful to me. They wernt just a lack of support, they were negative support. Freinds were all I had, but no one came forward to stop my world spinning. My partner had pushed many away, my brother had driven the rest off and my workload finished off my social life utterly. But there were still people close enough to see me buckling and when I cracked they chose to leave me to it.

So I've started a new life.

Much to my suprise, it's worked way beyond my expectations. I say suprise, but actually now, it's clear that I'm thriving because I'm not being held back anymore. I'm not having my time and money burned off off, not having anyone running down my optimism, chipping away at my confidence, wearing me out. I'm suceeding because it's normal to see rewards for effort.

Having a new relationship after an abusive alcoholic partner has been hard. A relationship after so much negativity has been a huge challenge. I've wanted to give up way too many times, the energy required to keep my mood balanced and stop defending myself exhausting. My GF has been better than I realised, doggedly weathering my confusing and pain. My view of people has had to be rebuilt from an absolute zero.

But it does seem to be endgame now.

My head is the quietest it's been for 6 years. I'm resting better, I sleep deeper and I look better. Suddenly I look about 5 years younger.

It can be beaten.