Hi - New - Not sure if I belong

[Michie]

Hi all – I'm new here and am struggling to come to terms with whatever is wrong with me. I don't know if I actually belong here but am hoping at least one person out there can relate.

I don't have childhood trauma issues but, for four years, I went through a constant stream of crisis that I was helpless to control and the experience seems to have broken me.

A key part of my story is that I spent 16 years living in a country on the other side of the world. I had a full life there including a business and a family. And then crisis after crisis hit.

The short list (and it is seriously short, I could easily double it):
•   My mother in America almost died from a sudden, very rare illness.
•   My business partner committed major tax fraud and a criminal investigation and significant jail-time and/or deportation loomed.
•   While cleaning up the tax mess, I was thrown into poverty. Because of the terms of my Visa, I was not allowed to work for anyone outside my own company and because of an already looming criminal investigation, I couldn't risk it. So I had to watch, powerless, as everything slipped away.
•   I couldn't leave the country because my five children are informally adopted. The only informal part is the legal paperwork. I had been their fulltime, primary caregiver for seven years. To leave would mean leaving them.
•   I lost a child. He isn't dead but I lost him all the same. He was and remains my heart. I can't bear to think about it, let alone grieve.

I survived was rebuilding my life when my body suddenly started shutting down. Vertigo, vitiligo, polyuria, arthritis, confusion, headaches, violent reactions to foods ranging from wheat to potatoes. I couldn't stay awake for more than six hours a day and even those hours were broken into two hour increments. My bones hurt and neuropathy started to develop in my feet. I could no longer take care of myself or anyone else and had no choice but to come back to the States where I had a better support system. For six months, I was virtually bedridden. Not overweight to begin with, I lost 40 pounds.

When I started to heal physically, I looked around and everything was gone. The life that I had built, my identity, my independence, everything. I retreated into a shell. And then I went back 'home' for three months to be with my youngest child. I was alive again. But I no longer have long-term residence in that country because it was all based on my business. It couldn't last. I broke down. Completely. Even before I left.

Now I am a hollow shell. I go through periods of extreme numbness. It can last for weeks. I don't answer my phone or check my email. I eventually come out of it but the barest hint of risk has me running back. I have so little left, I can't bear to lose even that because, if I do, I will never recover.

For months, I was paralyzed because to get back home means rebuilding a life here. The two are mutually incompatible. I've moved on from much of the paralysis and have come to terms with various aspects of painful loss, but I am still completely disabled by triggers. I never know when they are going to strike but, when they do, I can count on disappearing into a protective shell again for weeks.

People, on both sides of the world, don't understand that I have become fragmented. Shattered. They push me and mean well. They want me to get over it. I hear them and understand what they are saying. But it is too much. All I can do is retreat again. Sometimes, I shake all over first.

I don't know if I belong here. I am not dealing with childhood trauma. But I think I am suffering from a form of PTSD that doesn't fit the normal DSM parameters. I just want to be able to connect with someone else who understands.

[Rrecovery]

Hi Michie and Welcome    Sounds like you developed PTSD as a result of what you experienced during those difficult years. My heart goes out to you. There are many commonalities between PTSD and Cptsd, and some differences. I would encourage you to read the threads here and see if you relate enough for it to be helpful. Trauma and its impact is something we all have in common. Many of us have also experienced physical illnesses as a result of trauma's impact on the body. This is a safe and nourishing place. I hope it will provide you the comfort, support and understanding you seek.

[seasaw_]

I just want to let you know that I heard your story, and I feel for how much you have gone through. It sounds like there has been a lot of pain, loneliness, and physical pain to boot.

I hope you find peace and serenity bit by bit, day by day and wish you well on your path. The only advice I can offer is that you look up tools and activities for practicing compassion towards yourself - your deserve lots of it!!

[Kizzie]

Hi Michie and a very warm welcome to OOTS     I am so sorry for all that you have gone through and where you have come to be as a result.  While most of us suffered from trauma in our childhood, that is not the case for everyone. You may well have PTSD and CPTSD. While many of the things you endured were single traumas on their own (PTSD), collectively they accumulated over time and that's how CPTSD typically develops - an accumulation of trauma over time over which we feel we have no control.  We have a member here who underwent a protracted battle in the legal system, it was ongoing, traumatic, he could not escape from it and it resulted in CPTSD. 

Much of what we talk about here relates to childhood abuse, but when you begin to read about the symptoms most of us deal with you may find they resonate. So please have a look around as Rrecovery has suggested.  No-one needs an official diagnosis to be here, it just needs to feel right to you.