Deppression or CPTSD?

[jamesG.1]

As I'm coming out of C-PTSD I seem to be prone to sudden deppresive episodes, sometimes lasting about 5 days.

This is new. These episodes feel very different and come with a blankness quite different to the post trauma phase which was much more about obsessional thinking. It also doesn't feel like the dissociative feeling from before. I'm pretty analytical so I'm trying to pull the thing apart and the best I can come up with is that now I'm breaking free of the panicked chaos of the trauma era, I'm starting to mourn the life it wrecked, the people it lost me, the material costs etc. The sheer unfairness of it all is big in my mind, but seeing it without the raging C-PTSD symptoms means I feel it differentlly. It's a bruise rather than a cut, maybe?

Lockdown is certainly a component. I've not wanted to be in a relationship while this dip has been raging, but now I'm out of it its all fine again. Some emotional flashback in that but more controlled. I get WHY, so that's a different process to when I was just reeling with bewilderment at people's behaviour.

It's all such a lot to digest, it's not really suprising, espcially in this weird bubble we all find ourselves in. It would make sense that you can have a period where you just have to FEEL the thing without the C-PTSD before you can square it away. Deppresion is bound to be a part of that. I've so many dark things to remember, things that just can't end in closure. A busier life would help that I think, because sometimes distraction is the better cure. In lockdown you are just forced back into either isolation or a mess of relationship loops that bring up the emotional flashbacks. Couldn't be better designed could it? Sheesh!

However, it was a very strong and unpleasant 5 days and it needs addressing. My fear is that it's the start of a deppresive issue that will force me back down the medication road and I'm really keen to avoid that.

Just wondered if anyone else has noticed this distinct change in symptoms as the post trauma symptoms begin to wane.

[Blueberry]

I don't know. Depression is such a huge symptom of cptsd for me. Not saying that's what it is in your case, but just that I can't separate them.

[Kizzie]

Sorry you've been dealing with that James, I have too and I think in my case it's grief underlying the depression.

It's just been quite distressing to see clearly all that I have lost, especially so in the middle (or hopefully nearing the end) of COVID. There is a void, an emptiness that it (the trauma) used to fill, but not much opportunity to fill that space with happier, more positive things to fill in that space right now.

In my case I have been talking with my T about this and it does help me to both grieve and comfort myself. I'm also beginning to think ahead to what I and my family will do once the rates come down enough to be able to do more things and that helps a lot. 

[Jazzy]

Sorry to hear you're struggling with depression still, and that you're afraid of going down the medication road again. I can relate to that fear.

I'm not sure exactly where you're at in the "post trauma symptoms" stage, so I'm not sure where to compare it with in my own journey. I was depressed a lot over the years, and yes it did change as I began to get better, but it still stuck around for a long time.

It sounds like you still have a lot of things to feel about ("so many dark things, that can't end in closure"), so maybe you still have some processing to do before the depression is fully over with.

I'm not sure this is the same, but when I lost my best friend, it really set me back, and I was primarily depressed for a few weeks. The way I got past that was to find make a positive outcome from the loss. Basically, I use that loss as motivation to take care of myself better, and be more bold about speaking up and sharing my feelings. So, maybe you can do something similar?

Regardless, I hope you feel better soon, and that things are generally better than those unpleasant 5 days.

[jamesG.1]

Thanks Jazzy.

We shall see

[jamesG.1]

I hear you Kizzie,

Sometimes you are so smothered in trauma you forget to mourn your life. Trauma is a nasty thing, more than the sum of its parts.

I had a walk with an old friend last weekend, proper day in the sun. Huge tonic.

Finally paid off my credit card too today, it's all progress

[Kizzie]

       and     

Here's to more lovely walks in the fresh air and 

[Rainydaze]

i'm sorry you've been feeling depressed, it really is horrible. Coping with life seems to be pretty much about having things to look forward to and the regular dopamine hit from achieving goals and experiencing new things. With lockdown it's just been...flat. I think perhaps when you've done a lot of the hard work of processing trauma you do get left with a lot of resentment and hopelessness for the current state of things, because you then have the really hard task of trying to find your place in a world where your experiences have really given you a disadvantage. Lockdown restrictions have made it very hard to make any improvements to your circumstances where they might be needed, so you're left stuck in a state of inertia. I think this YouTube video explains the function of depression quite well, if it's of any interest: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UVVWcfnnlmU I find that with some understanding of what my brain and body are trying to achieve by experiencing depression, its relation to C-PTSD and the current situation in the world makes a lot of sense.

Good to see you've been able to get out and about in the sun and got your credit card paid off too, little successes do add up and help with overall wellbeing. 

[jamesG.1]

Some great stuff on that channel. Thanks you.

You are right on the lockdown emotions, especially the inertia. Personally, I'm finding it worse the nearer the end gets, so near yet so far and all that. Puts huge pressure on expectations. Still, we've made it this far,just have to weather the final stages.  Need less wine, that's been going up, not helpful.

Am hoping that the release will provide a proper slingshot out of some old ruts, could be a possibility.

[Rainagain]

I have had a report from a psychiatrist which might relate to this subject.

The psychiatrist thought that my cptsd was almost protective to some extent where my depression was concerned as it blunted some of my depressive symptoms.

The two conditions are frequently found together, there is an association between them.

But cptsd may mask depression.

I have certainly been experiencing regular depressive episodes in recent years as my cptsd has calmed down a bit.

In earlier times I suspect my high anxiety levels prevented the detached/disinterested feelings I get during depressions.

I dont find the depression as difficult as the cptsd to live with so it is an improvement for me.

Worth considering.

[jamesG.1]

I think with me it's about going from a fear of people to a dissalusionment with it all. I find people deppresing, the game playing, tactics and selfishness, I just see it everywhere. Lowering my expectations has been important, but it involves letting go of things I thought I could have and which people rarely deliver.

Sometimes, I feel like relationships are hostile places where youre best chance at happiness is a thick skin and chronic insensitivity.

But it's not C-PTSD panic anymore at least, just a weary feeling of resignation.

[BeeKeeper]

JamesG,

realize this is considered an "old" post. You and Kizzie both mentioned grief.

Sometimes you are so smothered in trauma you forget to mourn your life.

I had one of these depressive episodes yesterday and I was able to pinpoint the feeling, and it was mourning, grief and loss. If it's possible to "go with it" -by finding your own unique way of coping and then giving yourself total permission to do so, it may end "sooner." By that I mean hours or maybe a day.

Congrats on paying off the credit card. Increased creditworthiness, here you come! 

[Libby183]

So pleased that you found this older post, Beekeeper. It really made sense to me, as did your response. Getting past the acute cptsd anxiety and panic definitely leaves room for other feelings, and I think that your identification of grief and loss seems very familiar.

That seems to be very much where I am at the moment. In the midst of CPTSD, it's all threat and coping, usually badly, with the threat and the stress.

Now that I am the other side, so to speak, it is definitely more of a depression, and a grief and sadness at what could have been my life, if it wasn't for trauma and cptsd. And, of course, grief for the pain of my children.

I agree also with James, that the depression is easier to cope with than the full blown cptsd. I would never have got to this place without the complete change in my life, as a result of my husband's death. I will never trust people and am depressed by a lot of aspects of human nature. But it is a an easier way to live. And I am finding peace in this life, that I never had in my previous life.

I suppose it is a life long process, and we have come a long way already.