Letter to my 13 year old self

[Panda]

TW hints at abuse, chronic illness, death








Dear me,


today is the day that will change your life forever. At about 9:30 pm, your mother will die. Suddenly, with no warning.


It will hurt but it'll take twenty years to get to the worst of it. That doesn't mean your grief isn't valid, it just means that at the moment, you're still so deep in trauma that you can't feel all of it. That's okay, you're 13 years old, you don't need to.


She had been sick for a while, with a disease that would sadly become a running joke thanks to a popular TV show and that'll hurt too, for a long time. You don't remember her not being sick, it was normal for you. And it was normal to treat it the way you did because no one included you in anything or gave you any sort of support through it. You didn't mess up, you were a child not knowing better.


Please remember that even with the things she did to you (and to dad too) it's okay to grieve. It's okay to be hurting, it's okay to need support, it's okay to let adults know you need someone to guide you through this.
I know that's what you think right now, but they're not all like her. They want to help, some of them do at least, but I know you're still so deep in it you can only think they won't be able to help or be just like her. It's okay, I don't blame you. You're just a lost child and I know how bad everything hurt back then.


Also, the thing you said, the one you still feel guilty about? It's okay. Forgive yourself. You didn't know she was going to die. You had no way of knowing. I know it sucks and you wish you hadn't said it but it's okay, you can forgive yourself.


I have so much advice to give you, so many things I wish I could change for you but at least be sure that at 33, I'm getting better and recovering more every day. Could it have happened faster? Probably, if I'd had the right support network and more help and things like that but better now than ever.


Kid, I know you're hurting, I know it'll be another while until it gets easier and it'll probably never stop but... you did what you could. You worked with the little resources you had and I'm so proud of you for holding on despite how difficult it was. You're a good kid and you are very, very loved.


We'll be okay. It takes time, it takes a lot of work, but we'll be okay.

[Not Alone]

Beautiful.