Understanding why I am numb. (TW past suicidal thoughts)

[Aish]

First of all numbness is so normal to me it is hard for me even to imagine what it would be like to have a normal emotional dynamic like 'normal people' do.  Knowing that numbness isn't normal is just big for me to accept.  Hah (im laughing out of anxiety), but here is my theory on my own emotional development.

Emotional and physical child abuse between the ages of 4 and 7.  How I dealt with it was being emotionally numb.  I don't think I did this conscientiously but one way or another I dulled my emotions which became second nature to me.  Something that has always stuck with me is that when emotions would get too intense I would freak out.  Classic example were rollercoasters or turbulence on an airplane.  Those experiences would turn on my emotions and I would go back to my trauma and be completely overwhelmed. 

My entire life I would anticipate how my parents or others would feel and live vicariously through them.  If they seemed happy I would act happy, if they seemed  sad I would try to console them.  If they were angry I would do anything I could think of to alleviate their anger.  As long as they earnestly knew I was trying in some way, it was harder for them to punish me.  That was my hyper vigilant response to my trauma.  Regulating other people's emotions and numbing my own.

Once I was older and I was around a lot of normal people.  They didn't need their emotions regulated.  Most people seem to be able to regulate their own emotions, but that was my only real ability.  That was all I was orient towards.  As I grew older I felt more and more useless because I could not succeed in school.  To do that you need to have a memory.  And all I know is my memory has always been horrible, because I have never truly reconciled the most influential experiences in my life.  I have either been in denial of my childhood abuse, or just trying to anticipate and 'mind read' other people to circumvent extreme feelings.

Only now when I recognize these things do actual memories come into my mind, and none of them are good.  Just thinking about my true memories now the first thing that comes up is how when I was in the 1st grade my teacher would say to me 'it takes more muscles to frown than to smile, so you should smile because it is easier.' 

I can't remember positive experiences in my childhood.  No that isn't true.  When my family came into money when I was around 8 years old.  My mother did buy me a playstation for Christmas.  That started my addiction to video games, and numbing myself with them.  I remember playing the game 'Twisted Metal' over and over again.

After the age of 8 I was addicted to tv and video games.  I remember up into my early adult years I would laugh only if other people were laughing, it didn't matter if I knew the joke or not.  And people would call me out on it.  I would laugh at inappropriate times and people would know 'I didn't get the joke'.  And people would ask me 'why are you laughing?  What are you laughing at?'

At the mental hospital as apart of my diagnosis 'laughs at inappropriate times.'  I would try so desperately to get along, I just would pretend to have emotions like everyone else, when I had none.

I truly believe I was generally raised by television and video games.  The neglect was so extreme that I remember watching a commercial while 15 or so, and there were commercials about watching too much tv.  'You shouldn't watch more than 2 hours a day'. and I was watching 8 hours a day.  Through my entire middle school and high school career.

And it wasn't like I understood what I was watching.  I remember only watching shows that other people watched because I wanted to get along.  I would misquote things or didn't understand what was actually 'funny' about the tv show.  TV and video games were just an escape from my parents.  They must have encouraged me to be addicted in some way because the more addicted I was the less they would have to take care of me.  Just neglect.

In as much as imitation of my father goes, my father does have legitimate PTSD from his mother dying when he was 13 or so.  So my role model was someone that didn't know how to handle his emotions.  I believe my father numbed his emotions too and I imitated him.

Once I started to attend college, that was when I first became suicidal.  My suicidal thoughts repeated over and over again day in day out.  I started to see a therapist.  All they gave me were analogies from their own life that helped them to help themselves.  They didn't understand me at all.  I could communicate with them and with THEIR emotional needs, but they could not communicate with me and mine. 

Because I was so afraid of my parents, instead of graduating from my university (with poor grades, Cs get degrees), I told myself.  'I won't graduate.  My parents will ask me why, and I will tell them I am suicidal and they will help me.'

4 years go by.  I haven't graduated.  I go to therapy.  I cry in therapy painfully over and over again.  My parents don't ask me why I haven't graduated.  My entire life up until this point I have been idolizing my parents.  I wanted to believe what they taught me was love.  I admired my step-father's success as a lawyer.  I thought I would do anything for them and they would do anything for me.

This was not the case.  It took me years and years to recognize this.  It took me years and years to utter a single negative word about my parents.  And when I did, I felt like crying, not in a cathartic way, but overwhelming crying that just felt like pain.  Therapists would sit there and nod , and have no idea what was going on. 

After 4 years of not graduating my unconscious fear of my mother and step-father still persisted.  All I thought about was myself negatively through their eyes.  How I was a failure, how much money they spent, how much I had wasted, how successful all of my friends from high school were...  Negative intrusive thoughts overwhelmed me day in and day out.  At the time I could link any idea, or associate any idea back to myself to criticize myself.  All my friends from high school were succeeding or had jobs or degrees.

When I would spend time with my friend's family they genuinely liked me and treated me well.  And after I left them I would break down crying in the car.  Now only knowing that they gave me true love, when my family never did.

To this day I play video games, (I don't watch tv very much, can't keep track of the plot).  But I don't play normal video games.  I play idle/clicker video games.  And the reason for this is because I never understood the games I ever played before.  I never understood how to play the quests or follow the game.  I would always play it my own way.  You see a clicker / idle video game is nothing more than pure escapism, like any drug.  It is the healthiest drug I can think of, but it is pure escapism. 

I play video games mindlessly to this very day, to escape, because reality has been too daunting.  This is what I have to change.  I have to get in touch with my feelings to over come my own past.  Slowly I am figuring it out.

I omitted several adult suicide attempt stories.  No need to think about those.

[Armadillo]

Hey

I'm glad you are still here.
I can tell you are working really hard to reconnect with your memories and process them which just shows how much you want to heal.

[Aish]

I appreciate that.  Someone told me 'hurt people hurt people' and 'healed people can heal people'.  I want to heal myself and others so bad!
Wishing you well.

[Armadillo]

That's s beautiful motivation. My own motivation is to be fully present for my kids. Sometimes we have been a bit too hurt to want to get better just for ourselves because we deserve to be ok, too. So that motivation of wanting to really deeply be there for my kids keeps me working through some really difficult therapy. Hang in there, you'll get there.