Armadillo's Not So Trigger Filled Journal

[Armadillo]

Ok...I'm not done telling my story and getting it out of me and on "paper" but I wanted to start a recovery journal that won't be so trigger filled where I can share progress and get support. This one should more or less be a safe zone.

[Blueberry]

but I wanted to start a recovery journal that won't be so trigger filled where I can share progress and get support.

Sounds like a good idea! Good luck. Sharing progress and getting support are important things in recovery ime.

[Armadillo]

Heh I've been trying to write a post all day and keep getting distracted by other tasks and losing my progress.

I wanted to share that I had an interesting therapy session last night and didn't really dissociate much during or after!  I told my T I wanted to work on feeling emotions but I didn't really know how we could do that (we've been trying different things off and on for a long time) .

One of my challenges is that it seems a lot of parts of my brain don't really talk to each other. So like I can't visualize, my memories are essentially just a list of facts and a physical sensation of where I am in space, and that's about it. I can't do any exercise that requires visualizing like a safe space or anything like that.

But my T was pretty on his game last night and found a way for me to physically sense happiness and safety through imagining my son hugging me and that gave me a physical sensation to work with.

Then he just kind of used the concepts of somatic experiencing for me to lightly touch into a sad and fearful sensation and then to go back to imagining my son hugging me. We essentially did that for an hour. And the more we did it the closer I got to being able to feel a little sadness. Whoot!

It's so slow! But we made lots of mistakes going fast and that slows things down in the end.

It's hard to believe I've known him for 3 yrs, first working with him with my son and then me for the past 2.5 yrs and I can still barely make eye contact.

[Jazzy]

Sounds like you're making some great progress. Healing may be slow, yes, but it isn't a race, it's a journey!

It's easy to over look this, but you and your T found a new method that works for you. It even had notable results in one session. I wouldn't call that slow at all! That is a massive accomplishment. Congratulations! 

It's hard to believe I've known him for 3 yrs, first working with him with my son and then me for the past 2.5 yrs and I can still barely make eye contact.

That's not hard for me to believe at all.    I'm sure you will be able to make eye contact in time, as you continue to progress on your healing journey. I expect that you're excited, and impatient. That's totally understandable, but as you said, it's a long term game, and important to move at a proper pace. That's also a big realization. You're doing great! Keep it up!

[woodsgnome]

Often what we call 'small' steps can in fact be more like leaps. Regardless of what we label them -- it's even more wonderful if we don't notice them immediately. On several issues, that's how it's worked for me.

When I look back it's pleasantly surprising that I actually accessed feelings I didn't think I'd ever encounter. Positive thoughts were especially hard to come by. Since finally attaining this at least a few times, one thing that's stuck is that it's not always entirely hopeless.

I hope you'll continue the progress you've noticed. It might seem slow, but maybe that's a good thing?

So I'll echo Jazzy's voice in lauding what looks to be solid progress for you.  May it continue on the upswing.

[Not Alone]

Armadillo, this sounds like significant movement. The journey is painfully slow, but I also have found that going too fast can be harmful. There are many times that I can't make eye contact with my T. I understand that and I'm sure he does too.

[Eidolon]

Congrats on feeling sadness! It's a big step, even if it feels like a little one at times. I'm proud of you!

[CactusFlower]

Sounds like progress, congrats! it's not the size of the achievement, it's that you did it. Great job!  More will come with time. You'll get there.

[sanmagic7]

as difficult as it may be to begin connecting networks in our brains, it does sound like progress to me, too.  i've been working on this reconnection process for over 5 years, and it really is slow going.  when i first began, a therapist gave me exercises to do, but also told me that having to make those connections is a difficult process.  he said it's harder to make these connections from scratch than rebuilding or strengthening ones that were already there, but to stick with it.  i'm pleased to say it has been working.

i agree that going to fast can end up taking more time - when i do recovery work now, in little chunks, sometimes little pieces, i can proceed more easily, hit more goals , and continue progressing, rather than getting overwhelmed and having to take time to recover before beginning again.  i think you're on the right track, and i'm right there with you.  love and hugs

[Blueberry]

Armadillo, I agree with everybody else on here that it sounds as if you're making a lot of progress rn. 

[Armadillo]

Thank you everyone for your support!

I wanted to share how PROUD I am of myself!

Punchline:
Yesterday was Mother's Day where I am. I sent my mom a very very bland card and bland text. I did not buy a gift I did not go visit her I did not call or take the kids to see her.

Now here's the part that I am proud of: I did not question myself. I did not feel guilty. I had no problem defending myself to my husband or other family who asked about what I was doing for my mom. This is HUGE for me. So huge. I can't even believe I've gotten to this point.

Background
My mom lives alone. She has no friends although she now basks in her neighbors fawning on her. She has a history of self harm but as she's older now she has subbed in self neglect as her form of self harm. I'm the only person here to help her though again her neighbors are fawning on her so that's a relief.

She has multiple mental health issues and is very difficult and the ways in which she is difficult is very very triggering to me. In fact I can't be in her presence without feeling trapped. My brain breaks in some substantial ways. I can't be present with my family.

But I haven't been able to break away and protect myself. I have had nothing but guilt and self hatred and shame. I can't stop thinking "I'm not trying hard enough" or "I'm bad and wrong" or "I'm crazy" or "I need to try something different."

But no matter what I tried I couldn't make it work. I couldn't help her without harming myself. I've worked on this in therapy for 2.5 yrs and drove my therapist crazy for not being able to get past this self hatred and inability to just accept things as they are.

I'll write more about this another time. But in February we tried something different that had an unexpected result and coupled with a massive lie-fest and manipulation-fest by my mom at the same time, something just clicked.

Mother's Day was a real test for me. And now I know, I am ok. I am making the right decision. I can't fix her. And for now, I am not ok enough to be able to be around her. And my husband (who comes from a culture with very strong family obligations) also has my back on this and doesnt think I am bad or a terrible person. 

I can't even believe I've finally gotten to this point. Phew. What a relief. I'm a totally different person the past couple months because of this break through.

[woodsgnome]

  You followed your heart, walked past any diversionary self-guilt about it, and realized that you're ok now, and always were. Thanks for sharing this inspiring step towards unlocking a bit of the pain you've held inside for so long. 

[Jazzy]

I did not question myself. I did not feel guilty. I had no problem defending myself to my husband or other family who asked about what I was doing for my mom.

That's phenomenal! 

[Eidolon]

Mother's Day was a real test for me. And now I know, I am ok. I am making the right decision. I can't fix her. And for now, I am not ok enough to be able to be around her. And my husband (who comes from a culture with very strong family obligations) also has my back on this and doesnt think I am bad or a terrible person. 

I can't even believe I've finally gotten to this point. Phew. What a relief. I'm a totally different person the past couple months because of this break through.

That's wonderful! Realizing when you can/can't help someone is huge!  You're doing a great job!

[Not Alone]

Now here's the part that I am proud of: I did not question myself. I did not feel guilty. I had no problem defending myself to my husband or other family who asked about what I was doing for my mom. This is HUGE for me. So huge. I can't even believe I've gotten to this point.

                                                                        

I'm proud of you too. Yes, it is huge!!