Armadillo's Not So Trigger Filled Journal

[Armadillo]

Thank you, Jazzy. That was me. Not sure where I wrote that! You are right that it's a really difficult situation and yeah I was trying to grasp for some positives. In reality it might have been better for it to be fast, before I lost my ability to just take it all and be kind no matter what.

But I know I've tried, I know it isn't my fault that the relationship is how it is. I took all I could before I could not take anymore. I wish so much I could just hang on another few months just to let her die feeling unconditionally loved. I tried. I don't know why I could take it for 40 years and then couldn't anymore....but that's not true.

I know why. It was affecting me so much that it was affecting my kids. And the massive retriggering from simultaneously experiencing her self neglect and my 10yr old having suicide plans...that's the PTSD and it is awful.  And I saw that no matter what I did I could not actually help her be happy. I also started seeing my symptoms for what they were...completely not ok. Insomnia and nightmares for 4 years straight. Complete dissociation. Unable to find my way places I go to hundreds of times. Panic and terror. Self hatred. Compelte cognitive dysfunction. 

My main emotion the past week has been just anger and hurt that she took from me the single most important thing aside from my kids: being kind. It hurts me so much to not be able to care for my mom in her final months. I know actually that she knows how important it is to me to help people and be kind that she is intentionally pushing my help away to hurt me.

Once about 6 months ago I was visiting with my family during covid. Because she was getting chemo we stayed outside and brought food. First she was panicking because the bees were near her and she kept muttering at them and telling them to go bother the kids (her grandkids!). Anyway that's an aside. I noticed her bird feeders were empty and asked if she'd like me to fill them since I know she enjoys watching the birds but was really weak and tired. She insisted "no!" in a way that made me sound and feel evil for offering. As we were leaving she got this wicked smile and asked "could Mr. Armadillo come in and help me for a minute with something?" I said of course! But her smile was so wicked I had to ask my husband when he came out what she had wanted help with. Filling the bird feeders.

[BeeKeeper]

Armadillo,

"could Mr. Armadillo come in and help me for a minute with something?"

Where is that eye roll emoticon when you need it?

As sad as this is, I really love the way you already have her behavior figured out to a T. I'm so impressed! Forewarned is forearmed, and IMO you need to stay constantly armed. I'll say "guarded" for a softer touch.

And I saw that no matter what I did I could not actually help her be happy.

I am affirming your statements, your limits and boundaries, your views of yourself in this complex situation. If I could offer one more thought. Would it be possible to consider that her intentions are less about you than they are about her having ultimate control over people close to her? I know it feels very personal and directed, but someone pointed out to me that those who behave this way do not have the capacity to see others and plan how it affects them. They are caught in a bubble of self, from which they are unable to escape. The more I apply it to my own "difficult person" the more it seems to fit.  It reveals weakness instead of strength.

[Not Alone]

Your mom's cruelty is appalling. Makes me really sad, Armadillo.

[Jazzy]

Others have made great points here, which I fully agree with.

I also have a slightly different perspective to share, based on my own experience.

Armadillo, I see that not only have you grown significantly in your mastery of emotion over this past year, it is clear that you are able to use your intellect to gain a very solid understanding of your mothers behaviour, as well as the impact it has on you and your family.

This is difficult for anyone. Studying psychology and behaviour like that is an entire field of science, which many never accomplish even in a disconnected text-book way. Here you are working through all of this while it is so personal and so close to you. I'm sure if this was any sort of official study, you would not be allowed to participate due to the emotional bias which is expected.

Yet here you are, overcoming all of that and showing a thoroughly impressive understanding of everything and everyone involved. I am also quite impressed by the improvement I see in your other posts around the forum here. You have come so far! Congratulations on your hard work. I hope you are enjoying the results. 

<3 Jazzy

[Armadillo]

Bee, thank you for the kindness and for pointing out the behavior comes from a place of weakness and not having much to do with me at all. You are absolutely correct and I've always known her behavior isn't intended to be cruel, it's just her need to protect herself from hurt and abandonment is so great as to blur out everything else, including an ability to be empathetic with her own children. It is a new thing for me to "try on" viewing her behavior as cruel instead of excusing it due to mental illness and her own needs being so deep. But what that did was kept me tied to her and the poor treatment and blaming myself. I'm trying to find my way to the balanced view and am a little on the side of blaming and anger right now. I'll get to the middle soon enough I hope. But feeling anger at her treatment of me and my sis has allowed me to stop harming myself physically and emotionally because I was absorbing it all myself. So right now I kind of need to see it as mean and cruel. But you are 100000000% right and I know that without a doubt.

NotAlone - thank you for your empathy and affirmation.

<3 Jazzy
I like the way you've been including a heart so now you will not just be Jazzy, but <3 Jazzy Thank you for the compliment. That is kind because I think you might remember one of my core beliefs is that I am stupid and tricking people unintentionally that I am not. I also have become very good at predicting her cycle to be prepared for it...armored...like Bee said and that's been important too in learning to be kind to myself...being able to see it coming 1000 miles away I can be more certain it isn't my fault. At the same time the intellectual understanding is an intentional wall. I still haven't cried visible tears. Though I have gone from "my eyes are stinging but I don't feel sad" to "I feel sad and my eyes feel watery" so I know I am getting there.

[Kizzie]

feeling anger at her treatment of me and my sis has allowed me to stop harming myself physically and emotionally because I was absorbing it all myself. So right now I kind of need to see it as mean and cruel.

  IMO it's essential that we allow our protective/guardian part to rise up and feel the anger over being abused/traumatized because for most of us it got squashed, shoved deep down so we could survive. We need it though, everyone does, it's healthy (when it's regulated) and allows us to protect ourselves.  As you say Armadillo since you allowed yourself to feel the anger you've stopped hurting/blaming yourself. 

There's time enough to understand, have compassion/understanding for those who abused us IMO, first we have to (re)ignite and develop our protective parts to stop blaming/shaming/hurting ourselves.

[Armadillo]

Thank you, Kizzie. This (your response) makes me feel protected by a nice mama bear presence.

[Libby183]

Hi Armadillo.

I really do feel for you, dealing as you are with your mother. It brings back many memories of my H. They both seem to have huge difficulties in accepting care, even when they need it, and especially receiving care from us. Your story about the bird feeders was so interesting. It was when my H was ill that I could really see his personality. Am I right, maybe, in thinking that you have experienced this?

It actually helps to see them how they are, deep down. But it is still so sad.

Keep strong. You seem to be coping with all of this with great fortitude.

[Jazzy]

... so I know I am getting there

Absolutely; you're doing great!

<3 Jazzy

P.S. I'm relieved and encouraged to hear you like the heart. It was extremely challenging for me to start using that, especially with the whole "gotta be a tough guy thing" I've been taught my whole life.

Thank you so much for expressing that!

[Armadillo]

I <3 the <3. It suits you well.

In good news.  I had to find a new hair cutter. Well I didn't have to but it became painful to keep going to the same person because a long time ago my mom asked who I go to so I told her and now she goes to the same person. And then when I go to him he tells me about how he just saw my mom and how funny she is and she shares a lot doesn't she and she was telling me about her cute neighbor kid etc. It just got too painful to hear because she is so closed off and private with us, and because she replaced having a relationship with us with casual relationships with her neighbors and her neighbors kids, rather than her own grandkids. Anyway...too painful to go and hear this stuff and it made me feel very guarded.

So I went to a guy who has been cutting my son's hair and it turned out super super cute. It's short (it had been since I cut it myself during covid) and he cut in these thick bangs and my hair is wavy so the bangs kind of bounce and curl up all awkward and uneven and it suits me well. Kind of a '70s look. Plus I think it looks nice with the grays I have. So I am happy with my cute haircut.

Also I went to a makeup store this weekend and I normally avoid the sales people offering to help but this time I accepted help and admitted I had no idea what shade to get for an eyebrow pencil and didn't even know how to get the shapes to match each other. And she hooked me up with a blond!!!!! pencil saying it would look more natural with the grays. (I have very dark brown hair...or....had....now it's probably 40% silver gray). But that looks really good too (the blond pencil).

And I've gotten a lot of compliments this week on my gray hair so I'm feeling pretty good and cute. In a frumpy kind of way, Lol.😃

Also I went for a really nice run this weekend with my friend on the trails. Lots of steep hills so even when walking it was a very good workout. It was my first time running in 3 weeks. My body periodically breaks down...some combo of stress plus hormones gets me...and causes bad physical pain and then I get out of shape and have to start from 0 again. It's frustrating but at least I got back out as soon as I felt better. Often it takes a couple weeks to realize I feel well enough to run again and then the cycle repeats pretty soon after.

[Kizzie]

it became painful to keep going to the same person because a long time ago my mom asked who I go to so I told her and now she goes to the same person. And then when I go to him he tells me about how he just saw my mom and how funny she is and she shares a lot doesn't she and she was telling me about her cute neighbor kid etc. It just got too painful to hear because she is so closed off and private with us, and because she replaced having a relationship with us with casual relationships with her neighbors and her neighbors kids, rather than her own grandkids. Anyway...too painful to go and hear this stuff and it made me feel very guarded.

Oh yuk, no kidding that would be triggering and painful. My M used to do things like this and it felt like she would constantly steal anything good I/we had for herself - hobbies, clothes, people, you name it. If it was people they would rave over what a wonderful person she was and how lucky I was to have her. I hated it because it was not at all the mother we got at home.

In this case it worked out well in the sense that you have a cute haircut you really like but still ... 

[laurels]

Ahh congrats on the new look, Armadillo! I'm happy you took the step to change your hairdresser, eliminating the risk and stress of having to listen about painful things. Very responsible and self-caring. And yay for trying out the sales' people's help. I'm still not up to date with everything so I don't know if that's something that you'd normally struggle with, but I know it's something I would find very intimidating and stressful, so it's still impressive to me. And it turned out great for you!

I hope you can figure out a way to exercise that makes you happy and doesn't include the physical break down.

[Armadillo]

I haven't talked about it here cause I'm so overwhelmed by my mom's dramas and dealing with getting over my bigger trauma. But yeah I take one step in a store and if a sales person comes at me asking if I need any help I spin around and high tail it out of there immediately. I think I feel very self conscious about some flaws and worry that like my feet smell bad and stuff so I don't want them near me to see/smell my flaws? It's fairly buried for me. But I think that's what's driving that behavior. God it feels weird to write that down.

But yeah, I seem to have some body dysmorphia and I haven't even been able to talk to my therapist about it. Well once, I disclosed to him that that was why I wouldn't tell him what my form of self harm was, because that would require disclosing the flaw. And he sent me some assessment for BDD (I did the assessment, it was severe) and he offered we could work on it and i massively freaked out. I'll work on it with him when I'm all better and solved it on my own, lol.

[rainydiary]

I appreciate you sharing your journey of exploring body dysmorphia.  I think I experience this too and haven't ever called it that.  As I reflect on the way I see my body and on experiences that I've had with my parents that have led to the way I see my body, body dysmorphia seems part of my story too.  I can relate to what a sensitive topic it is - we can't get away from our bodies.  I hope that you find ways to explore and find ease in your body. 

[CactusFlower]

Thank you for sharing that, it makes a lot of sense. We're the ones inhabiting these suits and sometimes they don't fit right, or we don't see them like they are. I read back a little bit and how cool it was that someone helped you pick an eyebrow pencil you wouldn't have tried otherwise! I pencil mine in when going out and some of the best advice I ever heard was on a youtuber (she did them because of alopecia) about symmetry. (my one eye is slightly higher than the other) She said "They don't have to be twins, just sisters."  That made me laugh and loosen up just a little about how I drew them. No one has ever commented negatively on them, so they must be good enough!