Armadillo's Not So Trigger Filled Journal

[Armadillo]

Since I started limiting my contact with my mom, my brain is starting to work in ways it never worked before. This is exciting but makes me feel really sad too. I am dissociating much less frequently and severely. And I've written before about how I gained depth perception about a month ago, and I am getting flashes of images now too, when my brain is otherwise occupied. I still can't willingly call up an image but I think that may come, eventually.

I also have written about how I have struggled with constantly getting lost even going places I go frequently. What happens is I can't "see ahead" mentally, or really even recognize landmarks. So it isn't until I get to a turn that I am supposed to take that I recognize "oh! Is this where I'm supposed to turn?" And turn (or miss it) and so on until I find my way but it is always uncertain like looking behind closed doors...is this it? What happens if I turn here? Oh! Look there's the grocery store! Yay! I made it!!! Even when I use GPS it's pretty hit or miss. I haven't understood that this may be different than how others navigate and always just feel/felt so stupid or spacey for getting lost and feeling so disoriented.

But this past weekend I was driving somewhere and started my usual panic...ack I don't know how to get there! I then told myself my usual mantra...I'll probably recognize the right roads when I get to them. And if not, no biggie I'll turn around and figure it out eventually.

And then I was just about to turn on gps just for backup when my brain flashed me a friggin roadmap of how to get to my destination!!!! It was just this split second series of specific roads/turns and then I knew that I knew how to get there, ahead of time...first I'm going on this on ramp to the right, next merging on this freeway to the right, then staying left, then getting off here then turning left.

It was amazing and I think maybe this is how others get around so easy is they can imagine the route in their head without much effort? But I just felt so calm knowing ahead of time where I was going.

[rainydiary]

Armadillo, I appreciate you sharing these reflections.  They resonate with me too.  Our brains are amazing and I'm glad for them to use more of their capability and capacity instead of only trying to keep us safe.  I especially appreciate your reflections on navigation.  I face a similar experience and hadn't really identified it in the way you describe.  I often feel incredibly disoriented and not confident in finding my way around.  I will think on this some more, but am glad you shared about it. 

I wish you well as you continue to explore.

[laurels]

That's amazing, Armadillo, I'm happy you're gaining/re-gaining some functions that help you feel confident!

I'm wondering if this is the source of my own problems navigating... I'm notoriously terrible at it. But there is definitely something to say for removing a major stressor and how that improves our performance and quality of life. I had such a burst of creativity, insight, healing progress etc when I moved out of my hometown, where so many places had bad memories attached to them. They kept me down. I'm excited for what else you'll discover you're able to do! (And for myself too, now that I've moved countries, from one of the most homophobic ones, to one of the most open and accepting ones). Let's go!

[BeeKeeper]

Armadillo,

You will be relieved to know it is possible to recoup your spatial memory, navigational skills and a lot more too. I know because I did it! Some years ago, I consulted 6 (count 'em 6) neurologists to determine if I truly had "mild cognitive impairment." I feared early Alzheimer's.  It wasn't until the last one that everything came to a screeching (diagnostic) halt, and I was blessed with severe depression. Lots of time release RX, and not too much later, all my faculties started coming back. I too got lost going places I've been to for decades. I lost 80 pounds and if you asked me if I was depressed, I would have said no. That's not to say you are, but sometimes hiding from ourselves takes us places we don't wanna go!

It won't happen miraculously, overnight or even in a straight upward line. It will happen and the way I know is that you found your way without a map to your safe place (many posts back). Allow yourself to hope. I also dissociated so often I thought it was normal, eventually, that will improve as well. The energy freed up from guarding and protecting yourself is just ready to help you bloom and blossom.

[Jazzy]

Armadillo,

I'm very cautious about what and how much I say right now, but I am so very pleased to hear this, especially about the map in your head. As I understand it, that is your sub-conscious mind at work.

I find those experiences to be so wonderful, especially after they have been stolen away from me by trauma for so long.

Your post here brought good tears to my eyes. Thank you so much for sharing! 

<3 Jazzy

[Armadillo]

<3 Jazzy

I'm sorry you have been made to feel cautious about what you share. As long as your intention is good you don't have to be cautious here in my journal. If you would prefer I can tell you if something has been hurtful or unwelcome that way you don't have to doubt yourself.

Thank you for your enthusiasm about my mental improvements. I can tell you get it by how you express your feelings about your own physical changes too.

Bee
Thank you for reassurance and sharing your experience about regaining navigation and visual/spatial skills with the right mental health treatment. I'm sorry you suffered in the dark so long. I absolutely had no clue I was depressed and anxious. So dissociated. So numb and clueless. I love the image of being ready to bloom and blossom. 💕 you give out such warm wisdom.

Laurels I'm so glad you found such peace and creativity moving and hope your latest move is even better. I'm looking forward to seeing some of your poems once you get them posted.

Rainy
It's interesting so many of us share this navigation difficulty! Thanks for sharing in my excitement. I never would have described it this way until having the experience of what it's like to have a more normal seeming experience. I just would have said I'm spacey and get lost easily or have no sense of direction.  It's only having a normal experience to compare to that I can describe it.

[Armadillo]

I don't have the energy to go into it but I tried again with my mom to do the right thing but also to protect myself and fell flat on my face again. I've tried everything and nothing nothing nothing is ok and I'm not ok with that. I ended up on the phone with my T in my car tonight sobbing. So that's one positive. Tears, check! I can actually make them! But yeah...really dissociated and I've been so much better lately. As T put it, this is the cost of trying to have any relationship, any interaction with her. I can't. I can't have a relationship. I can't abandon her. I can't do boundaries. It all just fails and I just feel mean no matter what.

[laurels]

I'm sorry you're feeling so terrible, it sounds like a really tough night. I don't have anything helpful to say about navigating your relationship with your mom, but I know you're not mean. You're kind and considerate and trying your best to heal and grow, which can't be said for everyone involved. It's a lot of work. I hope things look calmer and clearer in the morning. You said you've been better lately and this event doesn't undo all that. I'm hopeful you'll find your new equilibrium soon enough.

[rainydiary]

Armadillo, that sounds like such a difficult day.  I am thinking of you. 

[Kizzie]

Oh my dear Armadillo, I am so sorry this has happened. I can't abandon my M either so I've had to take a lot of the tools and strategies at our sister site Out of the Fog to deal with the situation. They do help as does talking with others who truly get your M's kind of behav.   

[Jazzy]

Armadillo,

I'm sorry you are feeling hurt, discouraged, overwhelmed, that you have failed, and likely more. Those feelings are so powerful, and I can see in your words that they are impacting you deeply. I understand those feelings, and I wish you peace when you have finished processing them.

I'm encouraged that throughout the hopelessness, I see positivity breaking through in your writing as well. I am glad you were sobbing tonight. I remember you have mentioned your past inability to cry numerous times, this must be so important to you! What a tremendous leap forward! No wonder it is difficult and mixed with so many negative feelings and dissociation.

I understand that you feel mean no matter what you do. I wish I knew of an easy answer to change that, but unfortunately I do not. I do not know much about your mother, but from what you have written in your journal, it sounds like that is the primary tool she uses to manipulate you. If I recall correctly, it is you who made this realization previously.

There is a lot of power in that realization. You have done very well holding off your mother's assaults with it so far. I am confident you will continue to defend yourself well in the future, when you are feeling less overwhelmed. It is totally understandable and okay for you to be feeling this way, and focusing on those feelings instead of defending against your mother's assaults. I do that sometimes too, I'm sure we all do.

While the focus here is not about me, I currently have no contact at all with my mother for the first time in my life. I wish it were not necessary, but it is. I thank you for that, as the primary motivation and example showing me the way.

I know what you mean about not having the energy to go in to details right now. I have been like that numerous times myself over the last couple of days. When you are ready, I am interested to hear what happened, if you feel comfortable sharing. I am quite sure that you have not failed, or at least not nearly so bad as you currently believe. Trauma has a way of forcing us in to extreme thinking like that, at least it does for me. Things always look better to me after some time working on improving my mood though. I hope the same holds true for you; I expect it will.

I see a lot of things you can't do right now, and that's totally fine. I'm sure you will be able to do what you need to do, when you are ready.

All the best to you as you go through this difficult struggle of processing and rebuilding your mental state and defenses. We're here for you!

Addendum: If you would like to send me a private message about this, or anything, please feel free to do so. I find messages easier to spot, which helps me with replying in a timely manner. There's also no pressure intended of course. I prefer you do whatever is best for yourself.

<3 Jazzy

[Jazzy]

For when the time is right:

I'm sorry you have been made to feel cautious about what you share. As long as your intention is good you don't have to be cautious here in my journal. If you would prefer I can tell you if something has been hurtful or unwelcome that way you don't have to doubt yourself.

Thank you for your enthusiasm about my mental improvements. I can tell you get it by how you express your feelings about your own physical changes too.

Thank you! I do prefer it for you to gently tell me that when you can.

You're welcome. I'm so happy to hear it, and am looking forward to hearing more instances like this! The power of the mind, especially when healing, is such an amazing topic to me.

I've said so many times about how my sub-conscious mind is "smarter" than my logical mind. I'm happy that you have an example in your own life of what I mean. It's one thing to be able to talk about it, but for both of us to have an experience like that is a different level of understanding entirely.

<3 Jazzy

[Armadillo]

Thank you for the understanding and support today everyone. I really appreciated how you all in your own ways reassured me it was ok to feel this way and it was temporary. That really helped while I waited to rebound.

This is obnoxiously long and self indulgent and you do not need to feel obligated to read or respond any further...I'm just writing this for me

That's a trigger for you, eh? Something relatively small throws you all out of whack. I had tried to venture out and offer again to help if she needed it and to let her know I was thinking about her before her appointments, but at the same time I tried to lay down my boundary when I offered. I didn't mean it unkindly but it was worded unkindly and controllingly (I'm happy to do x but I need you to tell me what you want clearly and specifically. And then I gave the reason why being that I had wasted time and money and food in the past because she didn't want the food I prepared.)

I should have done it differently.  Should have just offered. She just responded very matter of fact. She was fine. She didn't need any help. She hoped her appointments would be short. She had always eaten my food in the past it has always been good.

So anyway, I felt like I should have done it different but I also know I've always done it differently, kindly, and it always ends up bad no matter what I do. So i just kept trying to figure out...well if I did this, this would happen because that's how it has been, and if this then that, and this and this and this. All paths end with me being hurt and feeling mean.

But I think some of what my therapist said on the phone really helped while I slept, especially when he made the point that my mom has had her 20s, 30s, 40s, 50s, and 60s to try to fix things but she chose not to and that is her choice. He also pointed out how I am not allowed to make mistakes but she has made thousands in our relationship,  so there was a big (self) forgiveness piece there too in our conversation. Anyway I woke up feeling less trapped and stuck and a little bit angry at her (which is good, for me). I was able to stay pretty regulated through the day.

And then in the evening...I'm assuming all of you have these intrusive negative thoughts about yourself? Not the ones where you consciously think "I'm bad* or "I'm worthless" or whatever, but the ones where your brain is telling you things and you aren't thinking them at all and maybe don't even believe them? Well the past couple months I noticed that voice/thoughts were pretty silent. This evening though the voice was back with intrusive thoughts that come on their own except it was a positive voice, not a negative one! It told me "you're not mean. That's stupid!" There was also a bit of backlash to that but shortlived. This positive voice seems like the surest sign of healing yet.

The rest of this is just a rant, no one has to read this.

****Tw****physical punishment, food

<3 Jazzy's post in their journal made me start thinking about food issues.

How some of my hurt toward my mom right now centers around her rude behaviors around meal deliveries for her. How resentful I feel when she is rude about this stuff and all the effort I put into feeding her, because she was not caring toward us with food as kids and adults.

When I had my second baby she acted wounded when she found out our friend had delivered a meal. She pouted "what? K brought you a meal? But I haven't even brought you a meal and I'm your mother!" (She never brought me a meal).

One year for my birthday...18 or 19... she offered to make me whatever I wanted to eat for a birthday dinner. I asked for pot roast. She responded "I don't like pot roast I'm not making that."

For awhile before she got sick we were having dinner at each other's homes about once a week  so she could see the grandkids. We made a deal that when we were the host we would clean the dishes too that way the guest could just rest and enjoy a night off. As soon as that happened she stopped inviting us to her house and just came to ours for dinners.

As a teen there was rarely food in the house. I often lived on a weird diet of raw potatoes and apples I'd get at the produce store on my school lunch break.

As a kid she worked late till 7 or 730 much of the year. We'd be really hungry and when she came home we'd  say "mom...we're hungry...when's dinner?" And she would scream and curse about how she just got home from work and couldn't she just relax for 5 minutes? Sorry mom.

As kids, I wrote in <3 Jazzy's journal that my stepdad was vegetarian and my mom would make awful vegetarian meals that made us physically gag. But we were forced to eat it all, or it would be breakfast, lunch dinner, until we ate all that was served or it went moldy. We had tricks to hide most of our food but then would be hungry and ate toothpaste. One night I had stomach flu and was ecstatic that I didn't have to eat dinner.

My sister told me this story recently, I don't remember it but I remember the spot on the wall. We weren't allowed to have much sweets but I guess there was a point in time we were allowed to have 2 cookies if we ate our dinner. But one night maybe i hadn't eaten enough so my stepdad wouldn't give me the 2 cookies. My sister was indignant on my behalf and called him a barf bag. He apparently picked her up by the neck as a scrawny 9 yr old and slammed her into the wall in a chokehold and screamed at her.

She also remembers our mom burning a grilled cheese for dinner and throwing it across the room screaming about how she could never * do anything right * * it.

I remember the fight mom and stepdad had the day before Easter because my stepdad didn't dye the eggs with us or boil them and my mom came home in a rage and started throwing all the eggs. I don't remember where I was or what I was doing but my sister remembers hiding under her desk (they were throwing other things at each other too and spitting and swearing) and stabbing her legs with scissors.

I think there was another fight too around xmas time when we were staying at my grandma's and my mom got mad at her for giving us a treat. I'm not sure what happened but there was a lot of screaming and this may be a different time but i remember my docile aunt screaming at her "You deserve to go to jail for what you are doing to those girls."

Anyway, sorry for the trip down memory lane if you read that. A lot of what's happening now with my mom are about food.

She wants me to make a 1 hr round trip for 3 things at the store she has already said she can order, she asks me to purchase and prepare her ingredients to make a dish over and over and over and then I find 5 bags of my careful labor stashed in the freezer never eaten while she asks for the same thing again.

I stay up till 2 am to make her something flipping delicious and she says she won't even try it because she doesn't like x ingredient. So then I beat myself up for not making her something I know for sure she likes.

I bring her the homecooked meals she does like, the expensive take out, maneuvering around the indirect asks like "you can bring me x, if you want" instead of saying "i would love it if you would bring x." Then she goes on and on and on about the one meal her neighbor brought 3 months ago, bringing it up everytime I see her, raving to her sister and my sister about it, all while never acknowledging the 3 meals a week I was bringing from an hour away. They didn't even know i was bringing her food and groceries but they knew every act of kindness from the neighbors, heard about the same act over and over for months.

I don't want to seem petty. These are the minor annoyances, not the main thing. I can overlook that stuff. It's my raw trauma reactions to the flaunted self-neglect and the intentional lies and manipulations that pull me away from my own family that really get me messed up.

Thoughts: she doesn't care about me, at all. She doesn't care about her grandkids. She's going to get hurt or die or she's going to hurt someone, I have to fix this or it'll be all my fault.

[Not Alone]

I don't want to seem petty. These are the minor annoyances, not the main thing. I can overlook that stuff. It's my raw trauma reactions to the flaunted self-neglect and the intentional lies and manipulations that pull me away from my own family that really get me messed up.

Not minor at all. I have tears in my eyes---now I can't see. What your sister and you endured was horrendous. Your aunt was correct, she did deserve to go to jail. Horrendous.

She's going to get hurt or die or she's going to hurt someone, I have to fix this or it'll be all my fault.

Your mom is responsible for herself and her actions. Not your fault at all.

But I think some of what my therapist said on the phone really helped while I slept, especially when he made the point that my mom has had her 20s, 30s, 40s, 50s, and 60s to try to fix things but she chose not to and that is her choice. He also pointed out how I am not allowed to make mistakes but she has made thousands in our relationship,  so there was a big (self) forgiveness piece there too in our conversation. Anyway I woke up feeling less trapped and stuck and a little bit angry at her (which is good, for me). I was able to stay pretty regulated through the day.

Read this as much as you need to. Your T was right.

[Jazzy]

 Armadillo 

I read your entire post, as it, and you, are very important to me. However as you said, you are writing it for yourself. Out of respect for that, I will keep my reply brief.

I'm very glad to see you are remembering and processing these things. They strike me as very important as well as terribly hurtful and damaging. I'm glad to see you making such progress, though I wish it came with less of a price.

You have endured so much though, and I'm confident you will endure healing from it as well. 

<3 Jazzy