Armadillo's Not So Trigger Filled Journal

[Hope67]

Hi Armee,
I just wanted to wish you the best for your EMDR session.  Maybe just focusing on a particular age that you were, rather than a specific memory might be a potential, but I don't know how specific they might wish you to be.  I relate to what you're saying about the freeze response, I get that so often, and my memories for my childhood are also really fragmented. 

You have been through so many things this last few days, taken on so many emotive things, and I wanted to send you a supportive hug   
Hope 

[Armee]

Thanks Hope. I appreciate you saying that. 

[sanmagic7]

hey, armee, as an emdr therapist, and also working with one right now, it can be very different from what you've been used to with other types of therapy.  specific memories don't necessarily have to be revisited at any time, or possibly a piece of a feeling about a memory can be a target to process.  you, the client, run the show, lead the way, can stop and start when it feels right for you.  this is your process, you hold the reins.  you can also keep a target as small or as large as you feel comfortable with.  i think the main thing is to be as honest w/ your T as possible.  that's what gives her info as to where and how to tackle anything else.

standing right beside you, armee.  sending love and a hug filled with calm.

[Armee]

 

Thanks San. That helps. I told my T too how I was feeling. His response was he's learning too and we're in this together.

[Armee]

We got a good way through EMDR today. I did end up dissociating during the eye movements though so we didn't get to the resolution part. It was after maybe 3 sets of eye movements.

I am not sure if it is because I was getting closer to feeling emotions during the eye movements which tends to make me dissociate or if it is because during the prior set before I dissociated I had the thought "make it stop I want it to stop. stop stop stop" which in the past that thought has made me massively dissociate. I think it's like a trigger thought for me to start dissociating. It's not intentional but I probably trained myself to do that as a kid.

T noticed it before I reported it to him because he said my eyes stopped moving side to side and started spinning in circles and I looked lost. But there was something different about it where normally I get a loud buzzing in my head but instead this time I didn't and instead I had these weird tingles up and down my neck and head.

I also asked my T if he thought I could get stress leave to take a couple months off work. I was a little afraid to ask because he is not a coddler and he's never quite explicitly diagnosed me with anything. He's had me read books on PTSD, he's had me attend a trauma retreat, he's talked about my symptoms being very severe and like a soldier, but when I've asked straight out if I have PTSD he has wavered a little saying "it's like PTSD but a little different because its complex trauma." So I've sort of taken liberty to assume he means complex PTSD but also have felt sheepish like I don't have permission to say I have PTSD.

But today he was very straightforward. He said absolutely it's appropriate to take time off to process this stuff and to heal from PTSD, which is absolutely what it is. It's not a stretch its 100% the truth and he wished only that I could have taken the time off earlier. And that he would sign any paperwork I needed...but that he would then need to give me a diagnosis. So, I feel relieved 1. That I have professional confirmation that it is what I think and 2. That I can take paid sick leave to recover from the repeated triggers of the past 6 years.

[rainydiary]

I hope that the leave offers you what you need in this time.  There is a lot to go through without the added pressure of work. 

[sanmagic7]

wow!  great work, armee.  i'm glad your T is seeing what you're going thru for what it is.  i've had both ptsd and c-ptsd symptoms/triggers, so i know both can be working on our brains at the same time.  here's to some well-deserved time off and health-giving progress in your process.  love and hugs, my dear.

[Armee]

I'm still pretty dissociated today...hasn't lifted by noon, since the emdr last night. It doesn't make so much sense to me as I didn't remember any additional details and felt little emotion. I want to remember and feel things. And yet my brain just seems to step in and take the reins. There's no longer a threat to me remembering or feeling things. They are all dead now there's simply no repercussion to feeling that anger and hurt anymore. But I know....acceptance and pacing. It will come. And I am encouraged by the tingling that came with the dissociation last night because I think that may be a sign that parts of my brain are activating and starting to connect.

Bee's post made me think about my own experiences with needing to excel. I remember I just flat out ran myself into the ground during grad schoolx while i was working, taking care of my kids, and caretaking my mom while she was off her medications and healing from broken bones. And yet despite it all, I got straight As with the exception of one A- because I knew more than the teacher on the subject and his test answers were incorrect (I am a national expert on the subject). Since I gave the right answers instead of his answers I got marked down on the final exam.

Unlike Bee, I don't strive because I see my worth as tied up in being smart and worthy. For me it is that I see myself as stupid and in order to do ok...to overcome my stupidity...I have to work really really hard and put in my best. And I have to do more and more of that the smarter people think I am or they will think I misled them.

The reason I believe I am stupid is frankly because of dissociation....past and present. It's hard to feel smart when your brain is blank and inaccessible so often. People think i am smart because they see what I do when my brain is connecting but they don't see the other times. It comes across more like I am the absent minded professor or so busy or brilliant that I'm sometimes spacey. And what I really want is for people to see me as stupid so don't feel like such an imposter and I can stop trying so hard. But also I know I am not stupid either. This is a really tricky one for me.

[BeeKeeper]

Armee,

These are some statements I noticed: may I propose some theories?

1.

There's no longer a threat to me remembering or feeling things.

It is true that the primary threat which might be the reason you have trouble remembering or feeling is "no longer", but there are parts of yourself which haven't "gotten the memo", so be generous with yourself as you take time to process.

2.

I just flat out ran myself into the ground during grad school

Exhaustion and running yourself into the ground is burnout. You probably already know that, but it can also take time to recover from it, and some parts may not in the same way as you experienced them before.

3.

The reason I believe I am stupid is frankly because of dissociation....past and present. It's hard to feel smart when your brain is blank and inaccessible so often

Perceptions of intellect change over time, and right now, you might "believe" you are stupid, but in objective reality, that's not the case. I agree 150% that dissociation causes blankness and inaccessibility. As that lessens, other skills will improve.

4.

what I really want is for people to see me as stupid so don't feel like such an imposter

Many trauma writers talk about "imposter syndrome" which is caused by the splitting of the self and Fisher calls it "internal alienation." There is hope and the answer may be in integration. That happens slowly, over time too.

Your writing, thoughts and abilities to navigate and continue through horrendous circumstances all weigh on the side of the scale which is not "stupid." Could you think about another more neutral word which lacks judgment?

Finally, the finest trauma writers, including Bessel Van Der Kolk, definitely throw their weight behind the concept of right brain processing when children experience continued threats to survival. Words and a narrative are never formed because that part of the brain is not developed yet. It's common for traumatized people, regardless of age to be "without words." This is often interpreted by those affected by a "blank" mind.

P.S. Everything I've said here also applies to my experience, as I've lived it. No high horse, just one person to another. 
This feels a bit risky for me, so if I step over any line, speak out.

[Armee]

I love every bit of what you have written Bee and until I got to your last line was just feeling um...i guess guilty (for taking your time), ashamed because I haven't been able to really give in return lately, but deeply honored to receive your wisdom. It's the thing that makes me cry predictably... when someone shows care toward me, in this case taking time to hear what I am struggling with and respond in depth with great insight.

Insight 1 is probably quite true, and an insight I would not have come to on my own. Not at all. It's part of my way I've kept going. Everything is ok right now so keep moving. And that's what has gotten me to burnout land and so I also appreciate your Insight 2. I hadn't thought about it before but you pointing it out to me probably will make that acceptance easier to find when this truth bites me on the tush.

Insight 3...yeah that falls in the realm of EFs versus normal. Normal brain knows I'm not really stupid but that functioning in a chronic state of dissociation and untreated trauma can cause some difficulties with processing and executive functioning. But when under threat in the form of receiving praise for my work performance those thoughts that I am stupid feel very real and very protective.

Insight 4 gives me the most to think about. I know this is true. I know the core issue is my brain...I can feel it...is separated and some of those pieces can't talk to each other, and some parts of the brain are just completely locked up to me. And it doesn't make sense...the traumas were not the kind that should have had that affect, and it does make sense as I have nearly every risk factor for developing dissociation. So yes, integration as you write, is the answer and I think that last missing link for me.

[BeeKeeper]

Oh...    Armee.

I'm not sure what part of the last line got you, but I meant that I didn't want to sound "preachy" or "know it all." The thought of it being perceived like that made me anxious. I'm glad you think the things I say are worthwhile, and if they light the way, even a little bit, all the better. There is no contractual agreement or unstated expectation. You don't need to return or reciprocate. Period.

As time goes on, I learn more and more from people here. Your experiences and feelings help me sort out my own stuff.

[Armee]

Sorry. My writing is not so clear some days. I didn't quite finish the thought. I was feeling guilty and ashamed about taking space and receiving so much good from you. And then got to your last line...that you felt a little anxious about how your insights might come across and realized we are all just here trying to help each other and ourselves and then who ever might be lurking and learning. Your last line just sort of washed away the guilt and shame I had been feeling about receiving from you.

[BeeKeeper]

Thanks! 

[Armee]

As I'm starting to catch up on the urgent tasks my days are getting ever so slightly quieter. I still have a ton to do and haven't paid any of her bills or dealt with the finances yet.  But I'm starting to make a dent in the pile of urgent things and wonder how the quietness will sit with me.

I spent a few minutes in bed today thinking about emdr and some memories that might be good to practice with. While I did this i had my eyes closed and was moving them back and forth and I ended up getting a couple flashes of images that may be related to stuff. They were ever so brief and non contextual but enough to give me hope that emdr may help with what I hope it will help with. Which frankly isn't so much about resolving trauma as it is about breaking through my dissociative barriers. I don't really care about the installation of positive thoughts yet. I just want my brain to work.

My life now fully belongs to me and my little family that I love. I don't need to give anything to any more toxic people ever again. No one currently in my life is like that and I never need to let one in again and if I accidentally do, I can kick them out.  That's a freedom that is too big to wrap my head around fully but it feels amazing. 

[sanmagic7]

hey, armee, so glad to hear you're thinking emdr will be helpful. be careful doing eye movements on your own, especially after having a dissociative session so soon before.  gentle advice - speak to your T about it, make sure it's safe for you to do it yourself. said with love and caring.  i really love to hear the hope in your voice, tho.  so positive.  love and hugs