Armadillo's Not So Trigger Filled Journal

[Armee]

Thanks Libby. 

[Armee]

Ack I thought i posted something today with trigger warnings but its not here and now I feel really guilty that maybe it was flagged for review and I upset someone. But I may have also sabotaged myself from even posting it, lol. If I made anyone uncomfortable with any posting I am sorry.

On a separate topic...I was just blindsided by a call from the mortuary...we were planning on having cremains sent to my mom's sister to hold onto for us until we can scatter because we just couldn't fathom handling those ourselves. There was a place on the form and everything for where to mail. They just called me and said they were ready for pickup and they don't mail them. I'm not ready to do that and I didn't want them in my house. 😭

[BeeKeeper]

Oh Armee!

That's horrible! I'm sorry. It would be different if you'd asked and wanted them, but not too much different, because ashes/remains/urns/boxes whatever you wanna call it, are strange and uncomfortable. I know cause I've had them in brown plastic.

So, you didn't ask, and I'm just saying.....if you have a garage, a crawlspace, a shed, anything to keep that physical boundary. Just thoughts.

You're going to get through this, you're almost done. I'm with you. 

[Armee]

Bee I've gone through those locations in my head. Ugh none feel ok! I could drive them to my aunt's house. I still have to pick them up though. Ugh it all feels bad. I haven't picked her up yet.

I had a big yucky triple trigger two nights ago and ended up passing out frozen shaking speechless and dissociated so badly in front of H. I feel embarrassed.

My T is trying to help me figure out how to treat this so it doesn't happen as much but really his training is how to fix my negative thoughts so I don't feel bad that it happens. But I want it to stop. I don't want to fix my thoughts about it, I want to fix IT. I don't want to accept being reduced to a shaking dissociated puddle without any explanation. Anyway I had sent him an article by Janina Fischer on adapting EMDR for dissociation and he said he was going to reach out to her to ask about consultation. He really wants to learn more about treating complex trauma and I actually prefer working with someone who is learning.

I was feeling already very dissociated and shaken today so we skipped the EMDR today and did more cognitive stuff.

Little family is good. And my stack of unopened sympathy cards continues to grow. I feel like an ***.

[rainydiary]

Armee, I hope that you find the root of this.  It is so disorienting to dissociate and experience things now that are most likely about the past and not see why. 

[Armee]

Thank you, Rainy. 

And that's weird rereading now what I wrote after seeing your response, I didn't mean to write this:

I don't want to accept being reduced to a shaking dissociated puddle without any explanation.

2 of the 3 triggers I know exactly what they are from. The third is a mystery trigger that has no home and has gotten me before.

[BeeKeeper]

Armee,

(sigh) It feels so bad to read your post. I can fully appreciate the "disintegration", since I've experienced it myself. That's really proactive of you to connect your T to Janina.  She may have some thoughts on it.

It may be the cumulative effect of the past months which caused this. And it may be that the ashes were the straw that either caused a backup of all the emotions, or just the weight of a "cherry on top" which although not physically heavy, presents a very symbolic and weighty issue. The whole mountain came down. I get mad at the unfairness of it all, considering everything from day one. That doesn't solve anything, I know.

If possible, be kind to yourself. Not sure how you feel about that. By kind, I mean, say no to requests, say yes to rest. Say no to anything that doesn't absolutely need to be done. Say yes to delegating even the simplest things. I'm sure you are the same person inside, but one or more parts of yourself are feeling pain. Don't know which ones, only you do.

You're gonna make it through and learn something from all of it too. Perhaps even a small sliver lining.

[Armee]

 

Thank you Bee for saying that. For acknowledging the yucky feelings and the weight of many things adding up. And for giving a name to what happened as "disintegration"...that is what it feels like, like mental and physical body just disintegrated.

What happened there with H was related to the fundamentalist boyfriend situation from 20 years ago. Even though I feel 100% safe with my H, the specific triggers still have the ability to take over even though I feel safe and it happens periodically but this time was extra bad because there were three triggers back to back. It's frustrating as all get out to not have that control over my reactions.

But the ashes situation did take up residence in my neck muscles. So that is also playing around in my head and body.

I'm going to take my sick leave paperwork to my primary caregiver as T ended up thinking it's better for these to be from an MD. I briefly described the situation over messaging and my doctor said it was perfectly reasonable for her to sign off on me taking a couple months of sick leave,  so I'll take that paperwork by her office tomorrow morning.

In clarifying the diagnosis with T before making the request with my primary dr he was very explicit that the correct diagnosis is complex PTSD. I feel relieved that I haven't been incorrectly self-diagnosing.

I'm not remotely ready to go back to work and it feels weird because it's a long period for grieving esp considering there have been many tragic deaths for my colleagues and they have come back quickly.

[BeeKeeper]

Armee, it's so powerful in all ways that you are asking for sick leave, doing it through an MD and allowing yourself some breathing space.  Yeah, you! 

Comparing grieving time periods is . Everybody is different like apples, oranges, avocados and tangerines, kiwis, kumquats, tomatoes. 

I'm glad to read that you can separate the periodic triggers and their rapid fire succession from your objective view of your H. I think that helps a lot. Maybe not as much as you want it to, but still very very important to you and your marriage.

Slow gentle movement of the neck is recommended by credentialed people.  (not me)

Hang in there. 

[Snowdrop]

Well done for asking for sick leave. It must have felt validating for your doctor to say it was reasonable.

Your colleagues may have come back quickly, but as Bee says, everyone is different. Plus you have the added extra of cptsd, which makes everything harder.

Sending you gentle hugs of support.

[Armee]

Thank you snowdrop and bee. 

Bee i love the advice for slow gentle movement. I'm going to let that be my mantra today. Not just for my neck.

[Hope67]

Hi Armee,
I've read some things you've written in the last few days, and wanted to say that I admire your strength and resiliency through all of the things you've encountered and faced, and I'm glad that you've got some support regarding your sick leave, and I would like to send you some supportive hugs 
Hope 

[Armee]

Phew. My T is in his training for EMDR this weekend and had some questions about our last/first EMDR attempt to bring to the class for coaching. Just going thru that on text replayed the whole scenario down to a seemingly unrelated reaction. So it must be connected. He also was learning about EMDR for preverbal stuff so we went thru the circumstances of that period too. San he brought up needing to learn flash emdr and going slow and gentle and I remember that was what you recommended too.

The dissociation has been bad this week but I learned something new and helpful. I've always used nature and senses to ground but this variation helps. So often when I notice I'm slipping into dissociation it happens super fast and I don't see it coming and am having no distressing thought. So my normal reaction once I notice is something like "no no no why is this happening? What happened?" And then i sink deeper and get stuck.

Instead... no thoughts just action. T handed me a rock and told me to smash it on the table to make a loud sound. I really did not want to do that because my body just wanted to disappear not be loud. But that trick has stuck with me this week. I just immediately do something to make a sound no matter how badly i don't want to. Don't even think "wait what's happening???" The dissociation may keep coming back again and again but I don't sink so deep.

[BeeKeeper]

 

Yeah to you and your T!

Instead... no thoughts just action. T handed me a rock and told me to smash it on the table to make a loud sound. The dissociation may keep coming back again and again but I don't sink so deep.

I'm smiling as I read this because you did it, and have adopted it as your (maybe temporary, maybe permanent) method. The point is, it worked and that's valuable and Gr-r-r-r-e-a-t! To echo Tony the Tiger! 

[Armee]

I think my coworker friend is going to go with me maybe today to get my mom's ashes. I know once I have them here and in a place it'll be ok. It's just the act of getting them and bringing them into my home that is hard. Like...another boundary crossed. I had decided I wasn't going to take them and would ship them instead but the mortuary blindsided me saying they wouldn't ship them.

But anyway friend's mom is mentally ill too, abandoned her when she was 3 but then came back in touch and she'd have to go hang out with her mom when she was a kid and didn't want to. Now mom is older and friend understands the lack of love and I can just speak truthfully.

Yuck.