Armadillo's Not So Trigger Filled Journal

[Armee]

Picked up the ashes today and now they live in my house.

My colleague accompanied me and kept me distracted and grounded. I feel so lucky to have so many wonderful people around me and willing to help if I am just vulnerable enough to let them know I am struggling.

My doctor called today and she filled out my sick leave paperwork for 2 months (start date was sept 1) and said she is happy to extend it another month if needed but advised to start with 2 in case something happens and I need the 3rd allowable month for something else. I'll pick it up tomorrow and submit to my bosses.

I feel a little guilty but also I just simply can't work right now. Not from grief but from complete mental and physical  exhaustion. I never would have fathomed needing more than a month off cause normally I can just push and push and push through anything. But now I think recovery is tantalizingly close and I don't want to push at the expense of getting to a better place.

TW self harm fear/others


Today I remembered an upsetting dream i had in the last few nights I don't even remember when. It felt really real so much I had to reassure myself today it was not real. It involved my daughter scratching her arms up really badly. I've put so much work into healing this fear and it is so much better but then it still shows up often.

I also think i wrote this a couple days ago and deleted it but I realized that I had seen some cuts on my mom's thighs when I changed her diapers.  My thought at the time when I saw them while she was alive was "oh mom you were in so much pain. Your thighs, too."

But what I realized a day or two ago was there were only a few on her thighs, contrasted with her arm which was so so bad. I realized she chose to put it somewhere we could see. I know that says more about how much pain she was in than her not caring about her kids and yet....that realization kind of got to me. She didn't choose to be in so much pain but she chose how much we saw.

[rainydiary]

Armee, it sounds like there is so much to process.  I hope that time away from work is supportive. 

[Papa Coco]

Hey Armee,

I'm so glad your coworker went with you to pick up the ashes. Having an ally by our side can make such a difference in what we can bear. I'm also touched by all the positive friendship you have on this forum. More allies.

That's good news that you can take a couple months off from work. I agree with your statement that recovery may be tantalizingly close. Once my parents passed, and I had successfully broken free from all my manipulative, dishonest siblings, my healing took on a whole new energy. I describe it as, you can't start healing train crash survivors until after the train stops crashing. Once my abusers were finally out of my life and their manipulative voices finally left my head, only the voices of my friends and allies were left and my healing finally got traction.

I know feeling guilty about things is part of having CPTSD, so I hope you are able to get past any and all feelings of guilt, and focus on yourself now. You've been an amazing daughter. You have so much to be proud of just by being the kind, compassionate soul that you are. May you soar with the wind now, and may the next few months off work be just what you need to clear the way for a whole new trajectory toward your well-deserved healing.

[Armee]

Thank you Rainy for the empathy and Papa Coco for the reassurance about guilt and encouragement about progress once contact is over.

---
Today would be my mom's 70th birthday and tomorrow is the 1 month anniversary. I felt pretty raw yesterday on that and many other fronts.

I did my second session of EMDR with my therapist today and this time he had learned and tried the flash technique and it actually worked remarkably well. I am so encouraged by what happened.

At first I thought it was bull and that it was going to be more about saying whatever to make the therapist happy. But what happened was it let me connect different emotions to the event and actually feel them without being overwhelmed and dissociating.

We didn't get to the point of taking away the distress completely but my goal is not just to not be distressed but to reconnect parts of my brain and emotions and this did it. Normal EMDR I dissociated from and so couldn't do that processing.

[Papa Coco]

Wow. I am very glad to hear the EMDR made such a noticable difference for you.

I know we'll never be as healthy as if the abuse had never happened to us, but the goal that I cherish is when I can feel better today than I did a year ago today. I absolutely see the improvement from one year to the next. And it appears you've begun to see some incremental improvements also.

Enjoy your time off. Thanks for reporting the success of your EMDR/Flash technique appointment. It gives us all hope for ourselves when we see each other find improvements also.

[rainydiary]

Armee, I appreciate your intention of connecting to the your brain and emotions.  I hope you continue to find ways to connect and to also find ease. 

[sanmagic7]

 

[Armee]

It's lovely to get a hug from you, San. 

I startled awake again from another disturbing nightmare. I have 4 themes of nightmares and this one blended two of them. One of which is my most disturbing theme and the hardest for me to understand. At the end of it I was screaming "no."

But between being startled awake by my screaming and opening my eyes and jumping out of bed I had a series of images quickly flashing through my brain. I was awake so it wasn't quite dreams. I take it as maybe an encouraging sign that perhaps my brain is going to offer up some connections and maybe even allow me to see images.

It's an experiment in a way but I trust myself and my T to navigate any issues that come up.

[rainydiary]

Armee, I am thinking of you as you explore the images and dreams that are coming up. 

[sanmagic7]

hey, armee,

so glad that flash technique worked well for you - it's been a blessing for me as well, especially when processing something about my ex.  for some reason thoughts/memories of him can be so overwhelming, also to the point of dissociating.  so very glad your T has invested in this technique.  so happy for you!

i've been noticing, too, that i'm able to connect emotions/feelings during dreams or near dreams, even if i can't feel them in real life.  our brains are so amazing.  i wouldn't doubt some of this stuff you're experiencing is because your brain is being activated differently thru the emdr processing.  i have faith in you and your T as well, to navigate all your experiencing.  well done, my dear!  sending love and a hug filled with hope.

[Armee]

Thank you both. 

I had another really positive experience with flash EMDR Monday. I went to therapy and T asked what had come up since our previous session  and I mentioned some positive feeling and also the graphic imagery that matched a prior hallucination and that I had a really disturbing nightmare. I thought I'd be able to tell him about the nightmare but I couldn't....it was too upsetting to think about telling him.

So we ended up experimenting with using flash EMDR just on the fear of telling him. It took maybe 30 minutes of processing that fear but eventually I got to a place where my brain told me "he's probably safe to tell" and I was just able to say it.

I mean I was still upset and stuff saying it but I've been having nightmares like this for over a year and haven't been able to tell him though this latest one took it up about 100 notches.

More remarkably I was worried he'd think I was stupid and anxious for being upset by a bad dream but no. He really validated why it was upsetting and heard the message underneath and responded to both the dream and the underneath part. I don't know what it all means but I felt really safe.

I have a session with my T and the guy who created flash emdr later this week who's training my T. I'm nervous but grateful.

In other news..mom's house goes on market in a day. closer to closure.

[sanmagic7]

it warms my heart as both a friend and a clinician to hear how the flash technique has been helping.  that fear thing can be insurmountable for many people, so the idea that you were able to get thru it in a half hour is remarkable.   i'm so glad for you, too, that your T is validating, listens, and 'gets' it.  you are on your way!!!  and, yep, closer to closure - i hope it's feeling good for you.  sending love and a hug filled with wonderfulness for you

[Armee]

Apology to Bee

I put this originally in Bee's journal but panicked and decided to move it here in case it makes things feel worse instead of better for Bee, which makes me feel sad and sick to just think about.

Bee...

I feel so sad that I hurt and triggered you with my words and forced hug. The last thing I want to do is to hurt and trigger someone here, and espeically you, as you have been so kind and supportive to me and so giving with your words and wisdom.

I appreciate you sharing how to support you. I will probably lay a little low here in your journal for awhile but I'm reading and care about you, your recovery, and everything you have been through.

I'm relieved you know that I did not mean to minimize what was happening with my words, but it felt like I was and that is not ok for me to have done. It felt like a lot to me what you were feeling and going through but I didn't have the right words. And still don't trust that I do.

I hope I didn't just make things feel worse for you but it also felt important to apologize. I'm sorry, Bee.

[rainydiary]

Armee, I appreciate this reflection.  After reading Bee's post, I wondered if I had offered hugs too and spent time reflecting on this.  Our hearts are so big and yet so tender from our experiences.  We are tender in different ways.  I think it's great that we are here to learn from one another.

[sanmagic7]

armee,

i think the struggles you've had with this list is an excellent target to bring to your T for processing.  it sounds like making an actual list right now is just too big to manage, but the thoughts, feelings, and emotions around what you experienced with the attempt are worth exploring, possibly processing.  just my thoughts.  personally, if i was the T, i'd be glad to hear about it - it could give clues as to how to proceed.  and, please remember, you cannot fail at doing a therapy assignment.  every step of the way, everything you go thru is another piece of information (including feeling scared) that your T can utilize to help you and also to make decisions on what's going to be best for you in therapy.  best to you with this - i'll be interested to hear how it goes, if you care to share.  you've got a lot going on, so i hope you can be as gentle with yourself as possible.  love and hugs