Armadillo's Not So Trigger Filled Journal

[Hope67]

Hi Armee,
I thought it was so great that your therapist was able to speak to you in such a reassuring way concerning your dream, and that you felt safe at the end of that. 

I also related very much to the fact that you found it so challenging to write your list for processing.  I found some things in the talk I watched yesterday (Janina Fisher & Frank Anderson about Relational trauma) and thought it related to what you said here - there was a bit where I wrote these notes: "Fear of remembering = fear of feeling.  Dangerous to put things into words.  Fear systems engage" - that resonated with me, and it seems to fit a bit to what you said about listing things.  I hope you don't mind my mentioning that.  Please disregard it, if it doesn't fit. 

I also wanted to extend a hug of support to you, if that's ok.   

Hope 

[Armee]

Hope I'm reading this a second time and what you say fits even more than I first realized. The memory we've used for emdr so far is about seeing stuff written down. Writing stuff down has the feeling of life threat to me (others' lives) and seeing things written down has contributed a lot to my trauma. And I know that is powerful because my brain is disconnecting now but thank you for sharing that.

San thank you for the warm hug and love and especially the reminder to be gentle. I'll think about telling my T about why the list was hard. I'm just a bit scared still. I guess the emdr kind of is helping to connect me enough to witness the disconnect and that is what I wanted from emdr, but the truth is uncomfortable.

----
I'm deeply triggered this week by multiple things.

[BeeKeeper]

Armee,

Bee...

I feel so sad that I hurt and triggered you with my words and forced hug. The last thing I want to do is to hurt and trigger someone here, and espeically you, as you have been so kind and supportive to me and so giving with your words and wisdom.

I appreciate you sharing how to support you. I will probably lay a little low here in your journal for awhile but I'm reading and care about you, your recovery, and everything you have been through.

I'm relieved you know that I did not mean to minimize what was happening with my words, but it felt like I was and that is not ok for me to have done. It felt like a lot to me what you were feeling and going through but I didn't have the right words. And still don't trust that I do.

I hope I didn't just make things feel worse for you but it also felt important to apologize. I'm sorry, Bee.

Just found this, and I want to reassure you that my reaction was a combination of a bunch of things. I appreciate your feeling sorry, and I feel sorry too. So, let's just call it an unfortunate collision of things and let it go.

As I've been reading about your EMDR, I have no frame of reference, so am not commenting. I can relate to the nightmares that wake you up and to all the feelings beneath the surface. You and I had much the same type of M, one that leaves long term, deeply rooted, life crunching toxic stuff in their wake. The effort to heal is worth it, despite the toughness of the journey. I hope you keep at it.

[sanmagic7]

hey, armee,

yes, be gentle.  bringing up memories, incidents, and/or situations from the past can indeed be scary.  just the idea that you've had a rough time with the assignment is like hope said.  i know that often i can't write what's going on with me even here on the forum cuz it's too overwhelming to bring it back to my consciousness.  and if it's too frightening or anxiety-producing to tell your T why it was difficult, you don't have to say.  maybe farther down the line you'll be able to explain it, but don't push yourself beyond what you can manage.  this stuff is tough to navigate, and fears are attached to so much.  i just want you to be safe as much as possible within yourself.

keep taking care of you, ok?  love and hugs, my dear.

[Armee]

Bee,

Thank you for appreciating me feeling sorry. Mostly I'm sad you got triggered at all and have had to get through a tough several days.

I know when I am triggered it is sometimes a combination of things colluding in my head but whatever trigger set it off in full can still retain a lot of the fear and bad feelings, even when I know that is not really the thing that is harmful. If that makes sense...like when i was triggered by men breathing in yoga and just lay paralyzed shaking and sobbing...i know it wasn't yoga or even the men in the class that are the problem, but also I don't want to go to a yoga class again until I'm ready. So...I am a little worried that my posts could be a bit of a re-trigger and I don't want you to have that in your journal until you are ready.

Thank you for letting it go and I do too, but let me know when it feels really comfortable to have me posting responses to you there. Until then, I'm reading and I care about your healing.

[Armee]

Thank you, San. I've learned a lot about what possibly to expect from EMDR reading your posts about your experience, even when you can't get into detail in writing and I appreciate you sharing generally. Thank you. And thanks for the welcome love and hugs. It feels nice.

Long post ahead...

-----
One of the best parts about the flash technique for EMDR has been that it involves essentially mirroring the therapist and copying their bilateral movements, while thinking of a positive experience. It feels a little like playing patty cake. And what has happened 2 out of the 3 times we've done it is I've been able to hold eye contact with my T for a little more than a few seconds while copying his hand movements and when that has happened I just got a big smile.

It feels like I am seeing this person who has been there for me in a really solid way for more than three years, like I am seeing him for the first time and really taking in that this person is safe and there for me and I feel connected to him.

It's a little weird because having that feeling makes me aware that I've been disconnected from his presence the rest of the time.

I had a joint therapy session last night with my T and the creator of the flash technique because this is who my T was paired up with as part of his recent EMDR training. Mostly we ended up staying in a consultation mode in terms of formulating a plan and did just a little actual EMDR. His take was that my fears of suicide are kind of warranted and not really the target but that the target needs to go back much earlier to get somewhere. We talked about how I don't visualize anything and don't have sound memories. He checked to see if it appeared that I was visualizing but not letting myself see because he said that can happen to. I described what my memories are like in terms of spatial orientation and facts. I forgot to mention sometimes I get velocity too if it involves being moved through space. But also that I can get physical reactions and can feel the emotion in my body sometimes.

So he instructed me just to think about what it was like as a very young kid to have her as my mom and fear and nausea came up and we just are supposed to focus on that, no memory needed other than sensing the feeling.

But he also confirmed that he thinks my theory is probably correct that those parts of my brain that don't function normally are there and ready to work and that EMDR will strengthen the connections and possibly allow me to do things like visualize or hear things in my head.  (like hello I love playing music and sometimes play the same piece over and over for hours on end every day for months and can not hear it in my head, know what it sounds like, and definitely cannot play it from memory).

When I came home last night I felt really joyful and connected to the present moment. That is so important to me because my present life is just as I want it and it feels like the past just keeps intruding on it against my will. No amount of being told to ground and stay present and not ruminate has gotten me to that point. But this has. It doesn't last too long maybe a day but with time I think it will last longer.

Trigger warnings for suicide.


But after I went to bed last night I was startled awake after about 1.5 hours by my son moving his chair and moving around his room. This sound has often made me panic and I associate it with a fear that he is going to kill himself and that the sound is him pushing a chair out from under him.  I became fairly distressed while also knowing he is ok.

But then what happened was I started reliving a memory from when i was a kid with my mom. There have only been a couple times where i have been in a memory rather than remembering as a fact that something happened. But i was in it and i was having all the actual reactions and emotions and fear. It felt awful while I was going through it....like a nightmare but awake and I thought I was going to actually throw up and that maybe it was food poisoning not memory. I had to eventually get up because the feelings were overwhelming.

But I'm glad it happened because it helps me see that I am not reacting to the present moment and fear for my son because I know he's ok. I'm reliving stuff but it is dissociated so I am trying to pin the reaction onto what is currently happening because I'm unaware of what is really playing in my brain.

I had a scare earlier this week because he was late coming home, his phone was out of charge, and it had put him in an odd deserted spot about 15 min from his school. It turned out the road had been closed due to multiple accidents and I only panicked a little while he was gone but after he came home and I knew he was safe for the next several hours I was stuck in an emotional flashback with terrible thoughts about myself.

I'm also trying to manage how I feel about my Ts reaction to my nightmares that I shared a week ago, which was to very firmly believe that they are something that actually happened based on the totality of symptoms and what he's observed over the years. I don't know what to think. But at least I feel safe and that if something does come up he would believe me and like I don't have to feel stupid about having the same concern that all these things ...the hallucinations, the body reactions etc... are pointing to something.

Finally, wrapping my head around the extent of dissociation, which is hard because I don't want to be like her and I don't want to harm my children.

[BeeKeeper]

Thank you Armee,

When and if you feel up to it, you're certainly welcome to reply IN my journal.

What you said about the EMDR

we just are supposed to focus on that, no memory needed other than sensing the feeling.

follows with all the trauma research, it's the feeling, not the memory.

It sounds very scary to me, and I don't think I could handle it until well into the future. I'm inspired by your work, which I think is so courageous. Enduring these vivid nightmares, I don't know how you do it. Perhaps Piney and H?  Having someone to talk to, despite feeling that 3 year gap, writing your experiences here hopefully helps you get to better feelings.  I spent 5 years holding my current T at arms length, so you're 2 years faster!

Your current strategy of using the white out in the midst of your TW sections is excellent. It really helps me, since reading about those r****s set me back about a month ago. Obviously there's history there. Anyway, thanks for being willing to work it out with me.

[sanmagic7]

hey, armee, what a great experience you had with the instructor/creator of flash technique.  i felt a sense of hope myself after reading your account of the meeting.  it's also something i do quite a bit now, mainly because the emotions that come up are often overwhelming to me since i didn't have them at the time of the memory or situation.  it's like having to process something twice at one time, and can be too big, but flash cuts thru it nicely.  well done!   

that sounds like quite an intense experience you had, the memory of your M and the reaction to it.  one thing i've noticed with emdr is that it gets the brain/mind moving in a different direction, gets it out of the loop it may have been stuck in, and that's what's able to release other thoughts, feelings, and memories, whether asleep or awake.  it may be painful or frightening at times, but i think it's a valuable sign of hope for the future.  sending love and a hug filled with gentle but strong support.   

[Armee]

Thank you Bee for letting me know the white font helps. I don't remember who uses it here but I noticed it in someone's posts and thought I'd try.

It may take me a bit of time to feel ok posting in your journal but it isn't because I'm upset you were honest about what triggered you and how. I'm glad you did and I know that it was a lot of things and not just my poor choice of words. It's just I'm so fearful of hurting people or causing them to not be ok with my words or behaviors, so I'm just going to wait till I feel confident and trusting of myself again.

Thank you for the encouragement about EMDR. I don't think of it as courageous* so thank you for saying that.

San...wow that is really helpful to think of it as processing twice at once. That is what it is like. It was very very intense. But so helpful to see truly I'm not reacting to the present moment but am triggered by it and reacting to the past.

----
I managed to sleep for 12.5 hours saturday night!!! 😯 An 8 hr stretch is rare. 12 hours is whatwhat??? I do feel better this week as a result but yesterday I was tired all day and passed out on the stairs like a toddler with my butt in the air my cheek smooshed into the carpet and my hands tucked under my chest. I hope this is the start of my rest period. I'm supposed to go back to work at the end of October and at this point am not sure I can or will. I'm not sure I will not quit. But I'll see how I'm feeling in a couple weeks, and if I'm leaning toward quitting I'll take another month off.

After my flashback Friday night after I jumped out of bed because I couldn't take the intensity anymore I made tea and took a bath. I wrote down in a draft email what had happened so I could remember. When I opened it this morning I was really surprised to see the time stamp. The trigger happened at 1130pm and I drafted the email at 230am. I had no idea so much time passed. And after that I had drained the water, gotten stuck in the empty tub for some additional time (which happens and I've started avoiding baths because I do this), and then went to bed and listened to yoga nidra and had some more stuff come up. All in all I must have been up 4 hrs. I would have guessed 1.5 hrs.
----
*I do feel lucky because of the support of H and many friends, getting really lucky in finding a good T even though he isn't technically a trauma therapist, having a solid extended family with my sister and my mom's sisters, and not having as many severe traumas probably all help make this more tolerable.

[BeeKeeper]

Armee,

Re: journal posting; do what feels best and right for you. My thought about courageous for doing the EMDR came from my absolute terror of it, but in thinking about what someone might say about my choices for therapy, I see how it doesn't compute.

It's so good to know you had a 12.5 hour rest period and glad to know you felt better for it, even if temporary. Time passage is a tricky thing, especially during times of demands and decisions.

[Hope67]

Hi Armee,
You sound like you were incredibly tired, and I'm so glad you were able to rest and sleep - especially for that 12.5 hour rest period - I think you really needed that.  You've been through so much, so many demands and decisions (as BeeKeeper mentioned), it's such a lot to process and go through.

Sending you a supportive hug, if that's ok 
Hope 

[rainydiary]

Armee, I notice how odd time is when we are experiencing different things.  I wish you well as you navigate how to handle your job and managing all that is coming up. 

[Armee]

I love supportive hugs. Thank you, Hope.

Thanks Bee for understanding

Thank you Rainy for the empathy.

[Armee]

As part of EMDR today my T was trying to get me to assign a number to how much I believe it was my fault and responsibility to keep my mom alive. 1-7. I get really stuck on things like this and end up dissociating. I tried to explain how I believe it is true completely (so a 7) and I believe it is not true compeltely (so a 1). He tried to tell me that then I believe it a little bit like in the middle so let's call it a 3 or 4. And I was kind of dumbfounded because the belief is not a 3 or 4. It is a 1 or a 7. It is both. I said sure so we could move on but it struck me that...can some people just kind of a average it out like that?

We've gotten stuck on this same thorn many many times and he thinks of it like resistance or something. But it's not really. So as I was mulling this over at my D's lessons I was inspired to draw a comic to show my T what it's like. That in and of itself is remarkable because i don't think in pictures at all. So i think that this may be a sign that this EMDR is actually starting to reach into dead areas of my brain.

I'm going to try to attach it when Kizzie can approve.

[sanmagic7]

armee, i get what you're saying about the 1 and 7, get it completely.  i will respectfully disagree with your T on calling your fault/responsibility level as somewhere in the middle.  i don't know how comfortable you are with suggesting something to your T, but, as an emdr therapist, i would have just told you to 'go with that'.  you could ask your T if you can just go with whatever comes up rather than attempting to change it into something it isn't.  just an observation, my own opinion.  i'm not you or your T, so don't want to disrupt a dynamic you're comfortable with,

i love that you're beginning to draw, to visualize.  i've found it so helpful to me when i couldn't put something into words.  it does sound like the emdr is working, your brain is beginning to become unstuck from the loop it had been forced into.  so very happy for you.  it's like seeing a flower begin to bloom.  a lovely yellow ranunculus.  love and hugs, my dear